How you do know when your partner crosses that line, or when you do?
_
According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, an affair is “a secret sexual relationship between two people.” However, the words secret, sexual, and relationship are all open to interpretation.
There are people who view masturbation and pornography as cheating. Others view all friendships with the sex of interest as taboo. Some of these limits may seem extreme, but cheating even happens within the context of open relationships. These issues have only become more complex in the digital age of Ashley Madison, sexting, and (supposedly) disappearing messages on apps like Snapchat.
In her TED talk “Rethinking Infidelity … ,” Esther Perel gives us a glimpse into these complications in one observation: “It’s never been easier to cheat and it’s never been more difficult to keep a secret.”
|
If you find yourself at a crossroads where you have to ask yourself “Is this cheating?”, the only person who can really answer that for you … is you.
|
In Esther’s talk, she defines an affair by three components: secrecy, emotional connection, and sexual alchemy. This got me thinking about my own definition of cheating. I realized that I don’t really have one and I’m okay with that. What I do have is an understanding of my expectations and boundaries in a relationship. I’m aware of what does and doesn’t work for me. For example, I’m okay with privacy, but not secrecy. I’m fine with friends of the opposite sex, but not with sharing flirtations, rituals, and nuances that are sacred to the bond held only with my significant other. It doesn’t really matter what anyone outside of my relationship thinks as long as my partner and I are aligned.
It’s healthy to seek guidance when we are at a loss. Other people can often provide us with valuable insights. However, the answer as to what exactly cheating is differs depending on whom you ask. What matters is that you clarify your values on the subject. If you can do this before you get into a relationship, even better! Once you have a potential partner, it’s important to make sure your values and boundaries are in sync. Even if you don’t agree on the definition of cheating, make sure you agree on the guidelines in your relationship and what you both find acceptable. Don’t wait for ambiguous situations to arise to discuss these matters. One person’s gray area may be another person’s deal breaker.
◊♦◊
If you find yourself at a crossroads where you have to ask yourself “Is this cheating?”, the only person who can really answer that for you … is you.
Did you enjoy this read?
You might also like:
What Does It Take to Make a Good Man Feel Loved?
Would you like to help us shatter stereotypes about men?
Receive stories from The Good Men Project, delivered to your inbox daily or weekly.
_
Photo: Flickr/Carsten Tolkmit
Yes! It inspired a lot of thought and conversation in my relationship too. I first heard about it on Dan Savage’s podcast. Much brain food! Thanks for your comment!
I listened to that Ted Talk about 2 weeks ago and I was fascinated by it. It was good in so many ways because it helps us to define infidelity for ourselves and see the many ways in which others look at it. My husband and I have talked about it quite a bit since then.
Interesting, fascinating and thought=provoking.