When it comes to job loss, I have some experience. I’ve lost my job a couple of times. I was married to a man who once spent a year looking for work. I’ve had several good friends who’ve lost jobs. And, thanks to the current pandemic and the consequent economic shutdown, I’ve got friends currently dealing with the situation.
So, how do you help someone who is out of work?
It’s not just about the money, but the money can be part of it.
My first job out of school was with NCR in South Carolina. Four years after I started, there was a 30% lay-off after a hostile acquisition by AT&T. It was a stupid decision by that corporation. It made no business sense. And it led to lots of people losing their jobs.
I did not get laid off, but one of my best friends did, despite the fact that he’d consistently gotten the best reviews. The problem was that he was the only person in his department that management could cut, and they had to cut someone. So he was laid off.
Unfortunately, he’d only been working for a couple of years. Not enough time to save up much of an emergency fund. And the economy was in a tough place for computer engineers, so he was out of work for a while.
He went through his savings, and his friends knew he was hurting. What did we do?
We did little things. A few people from his church surprised him by paying his utility bills one month. One friend brought over a home-cooked casserole once a week and another friend dropped off groceries. I took him out to lunch once a week.
These were small gestures, but they helped. Little things do add up.
If you have a friend or loved one who is out of work and you know they are struggling, consider helping them out financially, with the following caveats:
- Make it a gift, not a loan. If the person later gets a job and chooses to treat you back, that’s great. But don’t burden them with that requirement. They have enough of a weight on their shoulders right now with the job loss. Don’t add a loan to that mix.
- Since it’s a gift, not a loan, make sure it’s an amount you can comfortably afford. If all you can do is a $10 lunch once a week — that’s fine.
- Help in non-monetary ways too. Maybe you can proof their resume. Or, if they have to move to a smaller place, offer to store some of their stuff in your garage so they don’t have to pay a storage company.
Respect their Independence and their Pride
Don’t presume you know what they need.
When a friend lost his executive position, it took him 2 years to find a similar job. Well-meaning acquaintances asked him why he didn’t get a job at Walmart.
He didn’t want to because he would have had to work 60 hours just to cover his mortgage, and that wouldn’t leave him energy for job-hunting. He decided he’d rather spend his time looking for work.
Did I agree with his decision? Irrelevant. It’s not my life.
I know he wasn’t sitting around in his underwear drinking beer. He actively looked for work each day. He sent out over a thousand resumes. He had interviews most weeks. He was rejected over and over, but he got up every morning and tried again.
As his friend, the last thing I was going to do was to knock him down when he was fighting so hard to stay upbeat in the face of the constant rejection.
It’s about respect, and that also extends to charity.
With my friend who I treated to lunch once a week — he would not accept cash from me. I wanted to give more but didn’t want to hurt his pride.
So I asked him if he could mow my lawn, and I would pay him what I’d normally pay the kid who did it. Of course, I actually paid him more than I normally would have for the service, but he didn’t know that. He kept his pride while accepting my help.
Be Sensitive and Lower Your Expectations
For many people, their job is their identity. A job loss is therefore devastating on an emotional level.
When you’re with a friend who is in this situation, don’t expect them to be cheerful all the time. Don’t ask them how they are doing if you don’t want to hear the real answer.
Allow them to be honest with you and listen to them.
Don’t overwhelm them with your emotional needs. Realize that you have to give support, not take it.
If this is someone who you normally lean on for emotional support — find other people who can help. This is particularly true in a marriage. Don’t be afraid to ask for help for yourself so you can be there for your spouse.
Don’t Let them take Advantage of you
Finally, and I hate to say it, there are some people who will try to manipulate your sympathy for them. Thankfully they are rare, but they do exist.
If someone is out of work, it’s fine for you to help them, but it’s not fine for them to use you. You can offer help but they should not demand it.
Always make sure that when you give, you are doing so from a place of love and genuine desire to help. If you start to feel resentful or angry, then step back. Ask yourself why you feel this way.
Sometimes it’s not the other person’s fault. You might be offering more than you can afford, either monetarily or emotionally. If so, it’s your responsibility to step back.
You don’t want resentment to ruin a friendship. So be generous and kind, but do so mindfully.
Encourage them to Seek Resources
If your friend or family member is very depressed, suggest counseling services. There are low-cost or no-cost services available in most areas. If they are a member of a church, often there are options for pastoral care.
Make sure they’ve applied for unemployment and are aware of any other resources. For example, in my area there is a center that helps people with resumes and printing services as well as providing some groceries.
Help them plug into the community.
Conclusion
Hopefully this has helped you if you have a friend or family member who is dealing with job loss. It’s one of the hardest things that people have to go through and it’s important that when they’re going through it, they know they have support from their loved ones.
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Previously Published on Medium
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