Sex educator Kait Scalisi says embrace the awkward and ask for what you want with these easy tips.
Let’s face it, talking about sex can be awkward, especially with your partner. You may worry about the response. Will you be called out as too adventurous? That’s when using articles like this one helps. You can bring up sex and share your desires, wants, likes, and dislikes. Reading articles about sex with your partner may even help you be more adventurous.
Books, articles, and blog posts are the best sex conversation starters. “Hey babe, I was reading this article about trying new things in the bedroom. What do you think?” Most of us already share things we find online with our partners, from news to cute animal videos. This is just another URL that happens to be about something sexy. You don’t even have to read the article. Or, maybe you looked for it because you wanted to bring it up. Regardless, think of these as communication tools to make the awkward conversation easier.
You don’t need a reason to talk about sex, but having one helps. In a perfect world, sex conversations would be easy. In reality, we aren’t taught how to talk about sex and sometimes partners’ tastes differ. If you’re shy, worried about your partner’s reaction, or out of practice talking about sex, the article can act as a support. It reminds you that you aren’t alone and there are others out there who want the same things.
Reading about sex gives you new ideas and helps set boundaries. These articles not only give you a great introduction to talk about sex, they can also give you new ideas. For all its faults, and there are many, 50 Shades of Grey introduced legions to new ways to play. People learned something from Ana and Christian, whether it was a position to try or to reveal something that was off limits. I saw this in my coaching clients’ questions. They wanted to know about positions and practices that otherwise never crossed their minds.
Even if an article is about a sex act that isn’t for you, that’s important to know. An awareness of your dislikes and your boundaries is just as important as that of your likes, and your comfort zone. So read. And keep exploring and learning, on the page, and in the bedroom.
Reading about sex reminds you that your desires are normal. The more you read about sex, the more you realize that there is no normal. Everyone is different when it comes to what brings them pleasure, yet no one is original. No matter your desire, someone else likes it too, or at least isn’t turned off. And, you probably won’t learn this by talking with your friends unless they like all the exact same things you do and aren’t awkward talking about sex. That is not likely. But articles from The Good Men Project, my blog, and elsewhere will reveal the vast array of things people consider sexy.
Talking about sex helps you have better sex and stronger relationships. You build intimacy by learning about your partner. You also model that it’s OK to talk about these topics open and honestly, even if your answers aren’t what you would see in a Hollywood movie sex scene. Give yourselves permission to read and talk openly.
Embrace the awkward. There’s no way around it. Most sex educators I know, myself included, struggle to talk with their partners about sex. Do it anyway. Swallow your pride and stumble through. In a few months, you’ll laugh about the time you asked about that position right when the restaurant’s speakers broke. Or maybe not. Still, if you don’t ask, you’ll never know. I can’t promise your partner will be into everything you bring up or that feelings will never get hurt. I can promise that your desires will never get fulfilled if you don’t take a chance and ask. So, go for it.
How do you bring up sex with your partner? Leave a comment with your best tip.
Kait Scalisi, MPH wants to live in a world where sex is no longer a dirty word. She’s the founder of Passion by Kait where she helps couples have a more intimate, adventurous, and fulfilling relationship. She’s also the Director of Education & Training at My Secret Luxury , the #1 online retailer of body-safe sex toys. When she’s not reading, writing, or teaching about pleasure, she’s probably having an epic dance party in her living room or wandering NYC with a latte in hand. You can find her on all the social media platforms at @passionybykait.
Photo credit: Flickr:/pedrosimoes7