Sex educator Kait Scalisi says embrace the awkward and ask for what you want with these easy tips.
Let’s face it, talking about sex can be awkward, especially with your partner. You may worry about the response. Will you be called out as too adventurous? That’s when using articles like this one helps. You can bring up sex and share your desires, wants, likes, and dislikes. Reading articles about sex with your partner may even help you be more adventurous.
Books, articles, and blog posts are the best sex conversation starters. “Hey babe, I was reading this article about trying new things in the bedroom. What do you think?” Most of us already share things we find online with our partners, from news to cute animal videos. This is just another URL that happens to be about something sexy. You don’t even have to read the article. Or, maybe you looked for it because you wanted to bring it up. Regardless, think of these as communication tools to make the awkward conversation easier.
In a perfect world, sex conversations would be easy. In reality, we aren’t taught how to talk about sex and sometimes partners’ tastes differ.
|
You don’t need a reason to talk about sex, but having one helps. In a perfect world, sex conversations would be easy. In reality, we aren’t taught how to talk about sex and sometimes partners’ tastes differ. If you’re shy, worried about your partner’s reaction, or out of practice talking about sex, the article can act as a support. It reminds you that you aren’t alone and there are others out there who want the same things.
Reading about sex gives you new ideas and helps set boundaries. These articles not only give you a great introduction to talk about sex, they can also give you new ideas. For all its faults, and there are many, 50 Shades of Grey introduced legions to new ways to play. People learned something from Ana and Christian, whether it was a position to try or to reveal something that was off limits. I saw this in my coaching clients’ questions. They wanted to know about positions and practices that otherwise never crossed their minds.
Even if an article is about a sex act that isn’t for you, that’s important to know. An awareness of your dislikes and your boundaries is just as important as that of your likes, and your comfort zone. So read. And keep exploring and learning, on the page, and in the bedroom.
Reading about sex reminds you that your desires are normal. The more you read about sex, the more you realize that there is no normal. Everyone is different when it comes to what brings them pleasure, yet no one is original. No matter your desire, someone else likes it too, or at least isn’t turned off. And, you probably won’t learn this by talking with your friends unless they like all the exact same things you do and aren’t awkward talking about sex. That is not likely. But articles from The Good Men Project, my blog, and elsewhere will reveal the vast array of things people consider sexy.
Talking about sex helps you have better sex and stronger relationships. You build intimacy by learning about your partner. You also model that it’s OK to talk about these topics open and honestly, even if your answers aren’t what you would see in a Hollywood movie sex scene. Give yourselves permission to read and talk openly.
I can’t promise your partner will be into everything you bring up or that feelings will never get hurt. I can promise that your desires will never get fulfilled if you don’t take a chance and ask.
|
Embrace the awkward. There’s no way around it. Most sex educators I know, myself included, struggle to talk with their partners about sex. Do it anyway. Swallow your pride and stumble through. In a few months, you’ll laugh about the time you asked about that position right when the restaurant’s speakers broke. Or maybe not. Still, if you don’t ask, you’ll never know. I can’t promise your partner will be into everything you bring up or that feelings will never get hurt. I can promise that your desires will never get fulfilled if you don’t take a chance and ask. So, go for it.
How do you bring up sex with your partner? Leave a comment with your best tip.
Kait Scalisi, MPH wants to live in a world where sex is no longer a dirty word. She’s the founder of Passion by Kait where she helps couples have a more intimate, adventurous, and fulfilling relationship. She’s also the Director of Education & Training at My Secret Luxury , the #1 online retailer of body-safe sex toys. When she’s not reading, writing, or teaching about pleasure, she’s probably having an epic dance party in her living room or wandering NYC with a latte in hand. You can find her on all the social media platforms at @passionybykait.
Photo credit: Flickr:/pedrosimoes7
I’m in line with Sydneyboy here.
Even back when I still had somewhat of an active sexlife, any kind of conversation around it that I tried to start, ended very abruptly and always the same way.
“Would you like to do X?” “No.”
“What about we try to do Y?” “No.”
“Since I’m usually doing this to you, would you consider doing that in return?” “No.”
The question is not so much how to talk about it. The question is what do you do when your partner isn’t the least interested in neither doing it nor talking about it?
Thank you for your feedback. You bring up a great point: what to do when a partner isn’t giving you the feedback needed to have an actual conversation. This is really tough one and there’s only so many things YOU can do. You can create a welcoming, relaxing, safe space to have the conversation, avoid asking yes/no questions, be vulnerable yourself about your worries having the conversation, etc. Beyond those things, working with a sex therapist (I’m a sex educator) would be the next logical step if possible. How to have the actual conversation, versus how to get it started,… Read more »
Your article, while might be correct, is very light on. When sex (or lack of) is a problem, it’s not terribly easy to have a conversation about it. Even at the mention of it, there seems to be a feeling that I’m pressuring my wife into sex. My wife doesn’t kiss me anymore, the intimacy is gone. She DOES want to have another baby though, and I fear she will simply wait until she’s ovulating and just act interested for a while, then shut down until well after the baby is born. How does that make me feel? Should I… Read more »
Thank you so much for your comment. And you’re right: the focus of this was how to get the conversation started, especially around things like fantasies or desires you haven’t discussed before. Books and blog posts are a great way to introduce something new into the relationship when you aren’t sure how to bring it up yourself. There are definitely other articles on here that go deeper into HOW to have the actual conversation (once you get it started), especially when it’s about a deeper issue such as a loss of intimacy and physical touch. But talking is almost always… Read more »