A guy falls for the woman he’s in a “friends with benefits” relationship with… What now?
This Letter to Headquarters comes from Dwayne. He’s 36, from Seattle, Washington:
Love the show, man. I got a question for you, though. Right now, I’m in a very shaky situation. I met this woman about a year ago. When I met her, she was involved with some guy who she had been with for over three years. At that time, they were having a lot of problems, and even though she told me she was attracted to me, she opted to stay with him instead to see if they could “work it out”.
Anyway, cut to three months later and guess what? She called me out of the blue! We got to talking and she told me that her and the guy had broken up. So, of course I saw that as her giving me the green light, so I went for it. Our physical attraction was so strong that we only went out on one date before our sex drives took over. We began having sex often, and I began to really like her on a lot of other levels too. But whenever I tried to get close, she’d always pull back. She shied away from me whenever I tried to let her know that I was interested in her for more than just the sex.
As a matter of fact, one day when I called her on the fact that she kept pulling back from me, she flat out told me point blank that she wasn’t interested in having a real relationship, but she was open to just continuing to hook up with me from time to time as long as I didn’t start pressuring her for anything more.
Since then, we don’t go out as much, but we still have sex fairly regularly. I know most guys in my position would probably be thinking, “Well, what’s the problem”? Well, the problem is that I’m not really the casual sex, F-Buddy, hookup-type of guy.
I’m in my thirties. I’m not some horny teenaged guy who only thinks about sex. I’m past that phase. There’s a lot of other things I want from a woman besides just sex. For almost a year now, I’ve tried to play the FWB roll, but now I’m about played out. The sex just doesn’t seem to be doing it for me anymore.
On top of that, she seems to be acting more and more distant afterwards. At first, this whole Friends With Benefits arrangement seemed like a good idea, but now it’s driving me crazy. All I think about now is her, what’s she’s doing when she’s not with me, and who she might be doing it with.
Victory, can you please tell me what the rules are for these Friends With Benefitssituations? Somehow, this whole thing has gotten all screwed up. My head is real messed up right now.
Victory Unlimited writes:
So…you want to know the “rules” to the Friends With Benefits scenario? Well, unfortunately for you, the rule to the Friends With Benefits scenario is that there “are” no real rules——–which is why it almost always leads to a crash and burn eventually.
Why is that?
Well, it’s because usually, if two people have sex, and they keep having sex long enough, one of them will eventually want more out of the relationship than the other. Also, contrary to popular belief, pickup artist propaganda, and testosterone-driven delusion, this is true for “men” as well as it is for women.
If you’re a man with an emotionally available heart and you haven’t burned your conscience beyond recognition, you WILL begin to have some feelings for the woman you’re consistently having sex with———whether you want to or not. What you’ve written here shows that you’re obviously already emotionally attached to a woman who has shown you repeatedly that she’s NOT emotionally attached to you.
What you’re experiencing firsthand is the reality that it’s extremely difficult for a normal, emotionally healthy man to participate indefinitely in a F-Buddy relationship without feeling something for the woman he’s having sex with. Now keep in mind, this statement is not true for men who have little regard for women as a gender, or for men who fit the description of sociopath or psychopath.
Please understand that having sex with the same woman repeatedly and feeling absolutely nothing for her as time marches on, usually takes a level of desensitization that doesn’t come naturally. Guys who’re able to do this don’t usually get to that dehumanized point by accident. They have to work on it.
So again, unless you’re one of those types of guys, which I doubt, FWB relationships will come with a built-in time limit. Yes, it’s only a matter of time before you feel the fallout that results from repeatedly detonating the Casual Sex Bomb.
This is what I call the Serial Sex Scenario———and this is how the Serial Sex Scenario goes:
- First, the two people meet and they become sexually attracted to each other.
- Second, the two people have sex.
- Third, the bonding aspect of sex occurs and tends to increase every time the sex act occurs.
- Then finally, either consciously or unconsciously, the two people discover that instead of having sex——–NOW, the sex has them.
Understand that sex is not just a physical, emotional, and spiritual bonding process that’s designed to bring men and women together, it also continues to bind those two people together long after the sex act itself is over. In other words, sex has the ability to create a lasting, residual, and an ever-increasing bond.
If you have any doubts as to the truth of the above statements, all you have to do to put to death your doubts is to simply ask yourself the following question:
“If the Serial Sex Scenario is NOT the gateway to multifaceted human bonding, then why is it that most people who keep having sex with the same person, yet aren’t looking to have exclusive, long term relationships——-have to fight AGAINST developing an emotional attachment rather than FOR it?
We, as men, like to act like only women get emotionally attached after sex, but that’s far from the truth. Men can experience that connection too. Some just loathe to admit it. Usually this is just a result of years of societal and cultural programming meant to brainwash us into believing that having feelings for women is somehow a sign of weakness. This also, is a lie.
Emotional attachments aren’t the problem. It’s the effects that those emotions have on us that’s the issue. Rational thought tells us that the more multifaceted the connections are that we have with women, the stronger the relationship will be, No doubt, if it’s a bad relationship, the worse it’ll be. However, if it’s a good relationship, then the better it’ll be.
It is because of this inevitability of forming some kind of emotional attachment that men should pick the women that they become sexually involved with more wisely. In lieu of this, you now know why a lot of guys who don’t want relationships usually just try to “hit it and quit it” when it comes to their dealings with women.
Indeed, they view sex with women as a repetitive cycle of “getting in” and “getting out” over and over again——running like horny hamsters stuck on a slippery wheel powered by their own freewill. You see, these guys instinctively know that the longer they stay with any given woman, the more they run the risk of emotionality ruining their routine.
However Dwayne, you, unlike those guys, didn’t get “caught up” because you were trying to avoid emotional attachment———you got caught up because you kept having sex with a woman that you were hoping would get just as caught up with youtoo. What you’ve been doing is gambling. You’ve been playing roulette———-but unfortunately, it’s turned out to be the “Russian” kind.
The depth of the interest and attraction that you had for this woman was out of proportion to the amount of interest and attraction she had for you.
The hardcore truth is that only Emotional Unavailability can empower a woman to repeatedly have sex with a man and never want anything more.
What are the reasons for her emotional unavailability?
- It could be that she’s still hung up on her old boyfriend.
- It could be that she has more multifaceted interest and attraction towards other men than she has for you.
- It could be that she doesn’t see you as a whole man, but rather as just a tool——adevice that she uses to scratch her sexual itch, and NOTHING more.
It could be a variety of different things…only she knows for sure. The critical Intel that you need to extract from this experience is that for whatever reason, that particular woman has proven for almost a whole year that she is emotionally unavailable to you.
No doubt, for certain kinds of men, just getting sex from a woman is enough for them. But—-you are NOT that kind of man. So what if you’re getting “the sex”? At the end of the day you’re still unhappy. And why is that? It’s because you’re a man who is interested in having more than just a series of One Night Stands——–you’re looking for just one relationship that could stand the test of time.
What you need to realize is that what you have now is far less than what you really want. Also recognize that any man who continues to settle for less than what he wants out of a relationship will continue to receive…only that.
Now is the time when you have to decide whether you’ll continue to drown your sorrows in relationship ambiguity, or rise up and go find the kind of relationship that you really want with the kind of woman who is emotionally available enough to give it to you.
~Victory Unlimited 2011
Originally appeared at Victory Unlimited
Photo: Wikimedia Commons