It started with my wife making a list and sharing it with me when I was relaxing for the first time all day. I nodded my head back and stared silently at the ceiling, listening to the list.
Her minimum standard of care was much different than mine, so I’d quietly disagree with what needed to be done. I’d usually delay it until I pulled in one day and saw her working on it alone. That’s when I knew I was in trouble.
I’d pitch in, and about half the list would get done. My wife would resent me for at least a few days. Deservingly so. Clearly, this is unhealthy, but it doesn’t happen anymore. We have systems in place that work like a charm.
Here are four ideas to help you avoid arguing about spring cleaning from someone who spent years doing it wrong.
1. You Make the List
Take the initiative to make your own list of spring cleaning tasks. Review it with your spouse for feedback during your weekly household management and money date meeting.
Tackling the ownership of this task comes with a mental load. If this is followed by a spouse who wants nothing to do with the list, then there will be an argument.
2. Use Coexist
We love Coexist, the mobile app that simplifies home management. One of our favorite features is the task tab, where we can add one-off tasks we don’t have time to tackle at the moment but know need to be done.
We usually tackle these tasks together a few times a year, such as during the spring. Below is a screenshot of our list on Coexist.
3. Stick to a System
My wife and I use the Fair Play System, developed by Eve Rodsky, to structure our home management responsibilities, so we’re usually on the same page. We’ll still overstep from time to time, which previously led to an exhausting argument or my wife just taking the task over and giving me the cold shoulder of resentment for the rest of the day.
Now, whenever someone oversteps, I can just throw Eve under the bus as long as I stay true to the principles of her system (😊). Yes, I’m being a facetious, but thus far, it’s worked every time. And of course Hope and I adore Eve.
Anyhow, before our conversation can gain enough steam to evolve into an argument, I can change the subject by simply stating jovially, “That’s not what Eve would say. Boundaries.”
Beyond my wife responding with an occasional deep breath, we move forward without lingering frustrations. We’re teammates with a system we agree to use, so it’s not as if I’ve won an argument; we’ve successfully avoided it.
Here are the essential ground rules that work for us.
Establish a minimum standard of care
Establishing a minimum standard of care is difficult for us, as it is in many marriages. In a previous post, Why spouses argue about whether a chore needs to be done, we highlighted recent research out of the University of Cambridge that argues that:
“Through societal norms, women are more likely to see crumbs on the counter, believe the kitchen is not clean, and feel it needs to be cleaned right now. Whereas men don’t see the crumbs.”
A friend once told me that when he was a child, and his grandmother would visit, she would slap on a white glove and search for dust throughout the house, judging his mother, who worked full time. Ugh, imagine how women feel, the societal and sometimes generational pressures of being perceived as responsible for the home while working hard in their careers.
Empathy is in order, and so is defending our wives. The home should be our responsibility, not hers. When folks say otherwise, it’s up to husbands to defend their wives.One important caveat regarding spring cleaning is that we establish an acceptable amount of time we will devote to it before we begin.
Consider all that is required to get the job done. For example, a common frustration originating from spring cleaning is when someone ends up with a bag of clothes intended for Goodwill, a bag that stays in the trunk for six months. Include the time to take it to Goodwill.
Ownership
This has been the most important aspect of the system for our relationship. When you own a card, you own everything about that task. I don’t assume the mental load of ensuring my wife’s tasks are finished, and she doesn’t do that for me.
I cannot stress enough how liberating it is for both spouses when you accept the responsibility of ownership and trust your partner to do the same.
Boundaries
We all have our own way of getting things done. My way might be different from my spouse’s, and your way might be different from yours. Set boundaries. Do not micromanage your spouse and vice versa.
4. Hire Help
Hire a Professional Organizing & Decluttering Service
Common Spring Cleaning Tasks
Decluttering
Dusting and Wiping
Vacuuming and Mopping
Deep Cleaning Appliances
Organizing Cabinets and Closets
Freshening Up Bedding and Linens
Cleaning Windows and Mirrors
Purging Unused Items
Outdoor Maintenance
Extend your spring cleaning efforts to outdoor spaces as well. Sweep patios, decks, and walkways to remove debris and dirt. Clean outdoor furniture, grill grates, and gardening tools to prepare for outdoor gatherings and activities.
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Previously Published on Modern Husbands and is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
