I was once a people-pleaser.
Here comes Freud. Due to my upbringing and generational issues within my family, I felt a constant urge to please people. To prove my self-worth.
It’s the personality described as Prover/Pleaser.
However, after going through a tough workplace and some professional coaching, I flipped the switch.
I read and consumed content around productivity non-stop. One of the things that bemused me was how successful people protected their time.
The Good Side of the Coin
By prioritising myself, I rose fast through the career ladder.
I was constantly working through my “one thing” of the day, my 80:20 priorities and building the matrix of Eisenhower to figure out the “Urgent vs Important” tasks.
I used to feel guilty when slowing down and watching TV shows that I enjoyed. I had to be constantly on at maximum speed. Extreme.
It served me well.
Until it didn’t.
The Bad Side of Coin
Everything felt empty. Nothing mattered.
All was about me, me, me.
“How could I benefit from a certain situation?”
“What’s the best outcome that I could get from x, y and z? How could I manipulate people to my benefit?”
It got dark.
All I pursued was a material success. And I did achieve some of it. I got a flat in London, a BMW, a fit body and a gorgeous girlfriend (now ex).
But, the truth is that I was miserable. The saddest I’ve ever been.
Depression knocked on my door. I just didn’t know it at the time.
I thought that people with depression were losers, pretending and not putting real effort into getting out of that situation. Oh boy, how wrong I was. And the funny thing is that Karma would get back to me in the way I’d least expect.
I battled my depression which was still unbeknownst to me for two years.
I put my mind and soul into work. I did that to escape my thoughts.
I “self-medicated” with alcohol. It started with a glass of wine which turned into two glasses every night and I ended up with an entire bottle per night.
My long-term gorgeous girlfriend broke up with me. I fought with my dad. I was arguing with my mom even though we lived thousands of miles apart. I had no friends left.
I got fat, unhappy and lonely.
When thoughts of suicide kept circling me, I had enough.
One morning, I joined a virtual meeting at 9 am and I realised that I was still completely drunk.
That was my wake-up call.
I started therapy and took antidepressants the following day.
On the other side of Fear
“Until we make the unconscious conscious it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” — Carl Jung
After much self-reflection, I realised that I had to change my objective in life. From making money and being successful to being fulfilled.
I had the following epiphany:
All that matters to me is how I feel about myself when I am by myself.
However, happiness is only real when shared.
So I remembered my first 20 years of life, when I was a people pleaser and how happy I was. I had swung to the other extreme.
But the lesson was still there. And the lesson is:
“The Secret of Living is Giving” — Tony Robbins
I started helping people again. A lot. I introduced colleagues. I helped with projects. I supported people in the gym. I congratulated, patted, supported, offered my shoulders and a lot more.
My path was not clear. I still wondered whether people were taking advantage of me at times. Or, whether I was no longer valuing my time. Or, whether I should be packing boxes instead of focusing on complex spreadsheets.
And I still don’t have a great answer to the above.
But guess what?
I’m now the most FULFILLED that I’ve ever been.
Sure, there’s a balance to strive for. You can’t be a people pleaser only, otherwise, you build resentment as I had until my coaching sessions in my 20s. On the other hand, it can’t be only about yourself.
Human beings are social animals and we need each other.
According to CMHA, “connecting with others is more important than you might think. Social connection can lower anxiety and depression, help us regulate our emotions, lead to higher self-esteem and empathy, and improve our immune systems. By neglecting our need to connect, we put our health at risk.”
In summary, life is a lot more beautiful when shared. That’s for sure.
That’s all, folks.
One day all the people you love will die. Remember that. Make sure you give them a kiss, a hug, a thank you. It could be tomorrow, you never really know.
Let’s live to the fullest with one another and lastly, be grateful we are still alive.
Peace and farewell.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Meg Boulden on Unsplash