I have had conflict all around me for the last ten years.
In my work with young adults, there is always someone currently experiencing conflict, whether at school, work, or close relationships.
When conflict arises, how I choose to handle the situation can make things worse or better, depending on my approach.
What I have learned is that every relationship is bound to have conflicts.
Whether it’s health, work, addiction, finances, or pretty much any other central area in life, we all have conflicts and disagreements.
How I choose to react will determine the health of my relationship.
The problem is never the conflict- it is how I handle it.
In this article, I will share several helpful tips I use to handle conflict in a way that helps solve the problem and keep both sides feeling great about being in the relationship.
I don’t mistake walking away with ignoring the conflict
When I have a conflict, if possible, I ask for a time-out walk away for at least an hour- most often, I do it to create space for the other person to calm down their nervous system ( fight and flight)
Sometimes the best thing to do is sleep on it and come back tomorrow with a fresh start.
If I don’t do this, chances are I will say things that I don’t mean and hurt people, which makes me feel bad afterward.
I know my conflict style and those of others
I can manage conflict in many different ways.
I can adopt different approaches depending on what I want to get out of a conflict.
Since most of us have a clear preference for one or two conflict styles, we are accustomed to using one conflict style even when it does not provide us with what we need.
I have improved my ability to choose a conflict style by understanding more about the conflict styles, reflecting on which ones are difficult and which are easy for me, and practicing those that seem difficult.
Understanding more about the conflict styles will help you break old patterns and relate and manage conflict better for you and the people around you.
The most common division into conflict styles is based on a scale by Blake and Mouton.
Dr. Robert R. Blake received the Lifetime Achievement Award from the International Association for Conflict Management in 1994 for his groundbreaking work and outstanding professional career in the field of conflict management.
Jane S. Mouton, a long-time co-author, and collaborator would almost certainly have been among the recipients of this award were it not for her death in 1987.
The scale measures how much care you show for your interests on the vertical axis. How much respect do you offer for the other person’s interests on the horizontal axis?
This scale has changed the way I view people in conflicts.
The fighter — seeks to satisfy their interest by dominating, competing, or even forcing without taking into account the interest of the other
The avoidant — Does not engage either one’s interest or the interests of the other- often by withdrawing
The compromiser — half-heartedly engage both interests. The result is that both get some of what they want, but neither gets exactly what they want
The collaborator — means showing great concern for both your interests and the others
The accommodator — Obliges by accommodating, smoothing, and showing great concern for everyone’s else interests, except their own
I try to remind myself that conflicts are needs in disguise, and then I look for needs instead of blame.
I focus on asking questions to resolve conflicts in a good way.
Does this Conflict present A Potential Opportunity?
I don’t avoid, suppress or deny the conflicts; I see them as opportunities.
Why?
Because presents an opportunity to learn and grow
A healthy conflict resolution improves the quality of both the processes and the outcome.
Am I Choosing My Battles Wisely?
I identify how serious the conflict is and resolve it with as little intervention if possible.
Sometimes the best I can do is nothing, which means choosing my battles wisely
If possible, I walk away in love and peace.
Am I Dealing With The Conflict Head-on?
In the same way, I must choose my battles wisely, and I must identify when a conflict is significant enough to be addressed;
I don’t avoid essential conflicts — I manage them mindfully and aim to reach a peaceful resolution
When I let conflicts unresolved, it usually escalates and becomes more difficult and draining to resolve as time goes on — so I focus on resolving them sooner rather than later, even if it is uncomfortable.
Am I Calm?
Conflicts escalate, or people give up on me when I get angry.
I don’t know about you, but I tend to stop listening to understand when we get angry.
I try to approach conflicts with as little drama as possible to stay calm.
I remind myself that very few conflicts have long-lasting consequences.
Am I Listening To Understand?
One of my favorite rules from Stephen Covey’s seven rules for highly effective people is to “first I try to understand and then be understood.”
One of the best ways to resolve a conflict is with my ears — by listening.
I love actively listening, showing people that I value them, and creating a space to share their perspectives and needs thoroughly.
Am I Asking Valuable Questions And Gathering Information?
A conflict situation is most often colored graded by my interpretation.
What I perceive to be the problem or the solution is never straightforward. Therefore I need to ask good questions and gather information before jumping to conclusions.
Asking good questions focus on asking what happened and gathering relevant information
I use open-ended questions such as “Can you tell me more?”
“I would like to hear your point of view of what happened?”
The aim is to provide me with the helpful information in a non-judgmental way.
Am I Confronting The Problem Or The Person?
I used to attack in conflict all of the time, and this always backfires.
One day I realized that I was fighting fire with fire, and all I ended up with, was ashes.
I try to remember that my goal is to resolve the conflict and the underlying need and challenges
This approach has changed the quality of my relationships for the better.
Am I Identifying Areas Of Agreement And Disagreement?
Henry Ford wisely observed, “If there is any secret to success, it lies in the ability to understand the other person’s point of view and to see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.”
I strive to see both the Agreement And Disagreement without judging
It is what it is- an essential issue is where I want to go from here.
The relationship is always more important than being right.
Am I Playing A Zero-Sum Game?
Every time I catch myself trying to convince and be right, I remind myself that to be right- I must make someone wrong.
In every conflict, I hold a piece of the other persons’ life in my hands
Conflicts are not just conflicts; they are identity, investment, and values.
BE KIND — THEN REWIND
Am I Approaching This With A Growth Mindset?
Am I approaching this conflict with a growth mindset or a fixed mindset?
Am I creating space for solutions or starting a war?
Being flexible and creative with solutions and outcomes may take longer but produce zero-sum solutions.
Am I Focusing On The Future, Or The Past
One of the most rewarding ways I interact with conflict resolution is treating it as a problem-solving app and focusing on using the conflict to build good relationships.
After I handled the conflict, I analyze what went wrong and then identify areas I can improve so I will do better the next time
What can I learn from this? This is an excellent question.
Am I Honoring And Celebrating The Agreement?
Reaching a mutual agreement on what needs to be done to resolve the conflict can often be stressful and challenging work!
I tend to forget to celebrate the wins when reaching an agreement. It can be as simple as a handshake, a fist bump, or a high five or my favorite;
I appreciate your patience, and I appreciate your effort
Showing appreciation makes people feel worthy.
Do I Have A Problem-Solving Plan?
Once there is agreement on how to resolve the conflict, we often forget to take clear action steps and responsibilities.
Having a plan increases the likelihood that the solution will be implemented as agreed and makes everyone involved feel safe.
Create a plan, Implement the plan, honer the plan, and follow up the plan
Remember that plans themselves provide little to no value if they are not implemented.
Doing what you agreed to do is a good strategy.
Summary
Once the solution plan has been implemented, and the strong emotions have settled, I find great value in reflecting on lessons learned.
I derive most of the value of conflict in the aftermath of things.
My reflection and identifying lessons learned will allow me to become a better communicator when I find myself in a conflict in the future.
Reflecting and drawing lessons from the conflict put me in the driver’s seat in my own life
I am no longer a victim in a conflict- I am the co-creator of the solution.
I used to hate conflicts. Today I know they present hidden blessings, and I need to learn from them.
I wish the same for you, friend.
—
This post was previously published on Medium.com
***
If you believe in the work we are doing here at The Good Men Project and want a deeper connection with our community, please join us as a Premium Member today.
Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS. Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—
Photo credit: Foto av SHVETS production från Pexels
