Active listening skills are not easy to come by. If we feel distracted during a conversation, we may find it difficult to listen. If someone expresses how they feel, and you are stuck on what you want or need, the connection will diminish. People know when you are not engaged.
When you are not engaged, it can be difficult for us to understand our partner’s needs and emotions. We may find ourselves feeling frustrated and disconnected from our partner because we weren’t listening actively enough. When we don’t listen well, we miss out on the opportunity to connect with them that helps strengthen relationships.
The byproduct of paying attention to your partner is you learn more about their feelings and thoughts. Even when a loved one might not share clear-cut or express the emotions directly, you’ll discover more insight when you observe them, connect with them, and support them.
The simple listening skills below will help you improve your communication with your partner.
The first way to engage in active listening is to pay attention to your behaviors. When someone is sharing their feelings, that is not the time to take stock of what you feel. Other than to connect on a level where you can empathize with what your mind thinks, you’ll set those emotions aside to attend to your partner. Practicing setting aside your thoughts takes time and skill to learn.
The motto is to
“Focus attention on their feelings and focus on regulating your behavior.” (Emerge Handbook).
The second step to active listening involves you to focus on what you see. Notice how your partner breathes, sighs, or holds their breath. These are signs of distress, which slip under our radar.
By keen awareness, you’ll know when to reach your hand out to touch their shoulder or when to sit closer to them or back away. Slow, deliberate kind acts impress upon your partner a gentle touch rather than a harsh, intense, demanding stance.
As you develop your observational skills, you may notice eye contact or lack thereof. Eye contact creates a special bond between couples. If your partner isn’t looking into your eyes when they are sharing, they may feel hurt, ashamed, or distant. If words or actions you shared may have injured their current emotional state, pay attention to reactions your partner shows.
Check your behavior, figure out what you might of said, did or didn’t say. And then if you are clearly not responsible, remember any number of reasons trigger the past, so definitely resist the urge to take it personally.
Thirdly, when you are using active listening, you might ask an open-ended question. These are questions geared to open up the conversation. A few closed-ended are okay for immediate yes or no responses, but open-ended help you to engage.
For instance, if you ask, “How was work?” Your partner might say, “It was fine,” and leave it at that. There’s not much exchange of thought.
If you ask, “Hey, how did that presentation go, you told me about it last week? What were the responses of the department head?”
They may perk up. Why?
Because you remembered what they shared the week before, and you wanted to know how things went in the present moment. People desire to be remembered and they feel connected when you engage with them about their life and career.
Lastly, listening actively also includes listening to yourself. What you say is important too! It’s not just about listening to your partner; it’s listening to what comes out of your mouth as well. When you pay attention to what you do, you’ll be able to sneak a peek inside of yourself and recognize when you might be triggered. When you slip up into a defensive stance you lose connection so practice ways to self-soothe the inner person.
As Dr. David Schnarch puts it, “Emotionally committed relationships respond better when each partner controls, confronts, soothes, and mobilizes himself/herself.” This is because the more partners can regulate their own emotions, the more stable the relationship becomes.
For instance, in “What Makes Love Last?,” Dr. Gottman suggests saying to yourself, In this relationship, we do not ignore one another’s pain. I have to understand this hurt. When you self-soothe, you learn to separate your relationship from the anger and hurt you’re feeling over this particular issue.
If you are nervous or stressed during conversations or notice that you sound harsh and demanding on the phone, then take a moment before picking up. Breathe. Speak slowly and take breaks to breathe in between sentences.
Doing so helps you engage, listen better, and stay connected with your partner.
To set aside feelings of anger you’ll enhance the connection and possibly see where you were wrong in the approach. Remember, you might not be wrong in how you feel, it may be the approach, which is creating a problem. Active listening doesn’t have to be scary. It more about paying attention than demanding your way.
As you move along in your relationship, recognize when you need to listen. Practice the skills of observation, ask open-ended questions, and check your behaviors while you listen to your partner’s feelings.
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Previously Published on Medium
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