How Much Trust Is Enough?

Sitting cross-legged on the floor in the silence of a wee small hour of the morning, my heart and mind engage in a “winner takes all” battle desperate to find some sort of negotiated peace in the whirlwind of this storm in my heart. My purring kitten turns into an attentive night watchman as the rapidly approaching sunrise indicates the much-needed sleep would remain elusive.

It is an utterly ridiculous space to be in the first place. During a quick scroll of a social media page, an unexpected picture of my partner’s ex popped up in my feed. She is alone in the provocative image before me. The sick feeling in the pit of my stomach makes no sense in any logical way.

My relationship with my boyfriend is open. In fact, we are both married to other people who know about our relationship. We also have agreements on how and when we discuss any desires that may arise to pursue someone else in a romantic or sexual way. Clear communication is a foundational part of our relationship. He has been forthright and open with me about his past relationship with this person. She presents no challenge or threat to our connection, so I logged out of the social media page and went on with my evening.

Unfortunately, my subconscious went on a deep dive in the background trying to understand the source of my unrest over something so completely benign. Hours later with great fanfare and an almost audible “Aha! Found it!” my mind announces the source of the trouble. “She is on his guest bed!” My initial reaction is this is clearly a mistake, but my picture collection shows my dearest stretched out on that same distinctive comforter.

This realization sends my body’s alarm system into full life-saving mode. Waves of nausea and cold sweats rush through my trembling body as I fight to regain some control of the autopilot reactions that this realization triggers. Wrapping my body in my favorite blanket as the gale-force whirlwinds of emotions swirl, I began to name the feelings appearing and attempt to give each a voice. After what felt like a very long time, a silent echo remains in my heart and I feel nothing.

Sitting with the emptiness is all that was needed for Fear to launch scathing accusations at my boyfriend about this photo and all it could mean. After listening to all that of the possibilities it could represent, my heart acknowledges that trusting anyone has risks but my confidence remains that his ex had simply posted an old photo for reasons that were unclear.

Fear reminded me that there were other possibilities but Logic and Reason could find no credence to this line of thinking. In fact, if any of what Fear wanted me to believe was true, this was a much bigger issue than a single photograph of unknown origin or purpose. To believe anything Fear was saying would mean that my lover is not who he claims to be, that he has intentionally lied to me or misled me, and perhaps worse still that he is someone who has no integrity. This simply is not the case.

“But what IF you are wrong? What if it is a recent picture? What if it is from today?” Fear offered her best arguments and called me naive for being unwilling to consider the possibility that I had in fact gotten it all wrong about the relationship I have with this man. Maybe there was something that had been missed. Maybe there were things that had not been clear in our agreements. Maybe….

In order to get a resolution, I need to talk with him, and swirling it through my mind another time would offer nothing new to the conversation. The late hour made that less than ideal, so it would wait until the morning. Fear wants my silence. She is empowered by my shame and the darkness only fuels her power.

“What if you are right and this is nothing? He’s going to be disappointed that you doubted him,” she taunted. It is a familiar mindset that allows for no winners and only builds wedges into me and my relationships.

Two phrases fix this problem — courageous honesty and fearless vulnerability. These are the core agreements in our relationship. I would ask my questions and hear his response. If it was an old picture like I assumed, then he would welcome my courage to ask for what I needed to be safe. If it was a recent picture, then other questions would need to be answered to clarify my understanding of our boundaries and expectations for one another. In either case, Fear does not get to run this conversation or run me away from it.

I was 99.99% certain that the picture did not represent any recent connection. In truth, I was 100% certain without any doubt about the integrity of this man and the agreements we honor with each other. But Fear required me to at least acknowledge there was a possibility, no matter how infinitely small, that I could be wrong. That 0.01% was my compromise to try and get some relief from the worry. But that was not to be because the bigger, deeper dive came after my racing thoughts and emotions settled down.

…

My curiosity would not let me capture the few minutes of sleep left in the morning because I needed to know what had triggered me so badly. The obvious answer was a picture of his ex in his guest room in a compromising position. Based on all that I know and understand about him, his history with that woman and that relationship, his wants, needs, and desires, that picture was an artifact and I was certain of it, so what on earth made me fall so completely off that cliff?

There is not an easy answer so my mind begins to circle the all too familiar drain of my history and my struggle with trust. Sorting through the dark recesses of my heart trying to understand, overwhelming emotions driven by the irrational fears surfaced with a roar. Fears that my lover and all we have built together are somehow going to vanish into the mist of some misplaced fantasy. What is most frustrating about this is that there is no basis in our shared reality, his way of loving me, or how I experience this relationship that gives even a tiny bit of credence to this feeling. Determined to find and uproot the source of this unhealthy, unhelpful defense mechanism within myself, the desperately needed sleep is never going to happen.

The autopsy of my spiraling led down roads in my heart where trust and authenticity were thriving. Places where love has been a healing force — areas where the darkest places in my soul have been tilled into gardens of beautiful things. Though they are young and need nurturing, they are still lovely and the new growth is a place of light and hope where darkness and despair had once held sway. The once broken mirrors that distorted my view of self and my worth now reflect beauty — my beauty. So with all these lived truths and experiences in full view, it made the hurricane of just a few hours earlier all the more puzzling.

Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad free

Coming around the last curve on my exploration, a twisted, gnarled, knotted tree with deep roots came into view. Sitting at a distance for trying to see how it fit into the landscape of my heart, it struck me how out of place it now felt with so much light and hope and joy surrounding it.

Speaking to it, I asked, “Why are you here? What purpose do you serve?” In my naivete forgetting that when you ask ugly things questions, the answers are not pretty.

“You will never be what this man or any man wants. This is all just a lie that you are allowing yourself to believe. You are not strong enough and you are not good enough to hold him. He will see you — and he will leave just like everyone else does.”

I tried to bring reason, “You are correct in one point. I am not strong enough to hold him or to keep him. That’s the beauty of love. He is here because he chooses to be here. He is not held by me. We have agreed that we can walk away at any time, yet we continue to walk towards each other. He has assured me that if he wants something or someone else, he will tell me so. I have no need to guess at his intentions towards me or others. He loves me and is happy with who we are together. His love is nothing that I have taken — nothing I could demand or require, it can only be given freely as a gift.”

When trying to reason with ugliness, it is important to remember that it is always a war. “You will disappoint him. He is your great love, and you will be his great disappointment. You will never be who he needs or who he wants. You will never be enough. When he realizes who you are he will abandon you without a second thought.” And there it was revealed in its clever disguise — the root of fear that has held me, driven me, and overcome me time and time again.

I pulled out the ax of truth that has become my faithful companion in this war for my heart. There will be one less pocket of fear — one less cavern of distrust — one less root of self-loathing fueled by insecurities built on the fraudulent past.

“You are correct. He will be disappointed in me — as I will be in him. That’s how it works. We are imperfect, flawed, and broken in our own ways. We choose to love each other. I do not get to pick the future for either of us. What I can decide is now in this moment. I choose us and all the potential for joy and pain.”

“I will not allow fear to take any of it hostage. Fear, you no longer get even 0.01% of my trust in him. He is not deserving of even a moment of mistrust because of the scars others have left in their wake. He has proven to me time and time again that he is trustworthy and exactly who he says he is. You no longer get to measure him against some villain of my past. I am not who I was and I am not blind to the risk inherent to all of this.”

Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad free

“I willingly surrender all of my heart to him and accept his in return. I will savor this life we are building together and openly acknowledge my insecurities. You no longer get the power of silence and dark corridors in my heart to fester and infect this beautiful place.”

With the final swing of the ax of truth, the haunted tree vanishes and allows the light into the once dark corner of my heart just as the morning alarm begins to chime.

…

When he answers his phone, my voice cannot hide its tremble. He immediately knows something is off. We exchange pleasantries and with an apology for bluntness, the hard question finds a voice, “Have you been seeing your ex?” He knew immediately the source of my angst and explained it all.

It was a very old picture, she had asked for permission to post it, and he had not given any thought to me coming across it or considered that it could be a problem for me. He knew we had discussed this woman and he had been completely honest in all he had shared. He sincerely apologized for not considering how this could be viewed through my lens and held space for me to process through all the things with him over the next few days.

Shifting through the potential for destruction in all of this, it becomes clear that my definition of trust has been lacking. It has been a list split in two: “Trust with This” and “Not With That.” Perhaps as you learn to trust someone it makes sense to exercise caution in this way, much like you do as you decide how much of your heart they get to hold. But when it comes to connected, intimate relationships, this single picture has taught me that you either really trust someone or you don’t. The line really is that clear.

When Fear was allowed to create doubts in me even though it was only 0.01%, he no longer held my trust. Even if it was just for a few hours, he was not trustworthy, he lacked integrity, and perhaps worst of all he was a liar. If he had been less loving and understanding, he could have walked away and no one would have blamed him. He has been reliable, honest, transparent, and consistent in every interaction. He was not deserving of my skepticism.

Conversations about trust are often about all the things that should be done to earn the trust of another or insuring that the trust placed in someone is deserved. Perhaps it is equally important to remember that the trust someone earns in our lives should be freely given to them. When doubt enters, even in just the smallest amount, trust has been eroded. So how much trust is enough? Only 100%.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***