My partner and I are almost 11 years apart in age. When we met on my 26th birthday, he was the oldest guy I had ever dated.
In the early days, the age difference weighed on me quite a bit. If only he was a couple of years younger, I thought to myself.
I noticed that many of his friends were older and had kids, while none of my closest friends had even gotten married yet. There was also a silly catastrophizing voice in my head that said, he’s probably going to die before you and you’re going to end up alone.
While the age gap did give me initial anxiety, I’m not sure if I can pinpoint it to a logical reason beyond the feeling that the age gap shouldn’t be that large in dating.
…
The Standard Creepiness Rule
You might have heard of the rule to determine a socially acceptable age difference in partners — half your age plus seven.
My partner was 36 when we met, so 36/2 = 18 and 18 + 7 = 25. I had just turned 26 when we met, so we had just made the cutoff.
The rule’s origin is attributed to a French author named Max O’Rell in his 1901 book titled “Her Royal Highness Woman and His Majesty Cupid,” where it was presented as a formula for a bride’s ideal age relative to the groom.
But the rule is an oversimplification of many things and also has a gender bias as it focuses on the man’s age and limits dating options for women.
So, why are we still using a rule from the 1900s? And what other factors should we be considering?
…
Exploring the why behind age gap anxieties
Life stage
In my opinion, it’s more about life stage than age. If I had still been in college and he’d been working when we met, I wouldn’t have the same experiences to connect and draw on.
To give another example, in the early days of our relationship, he asked me if I’d consider dating him if he’d been married previously.
No, I answered. Not because it’s taboo, but because you would have all these experiences that I wouldn’t be able to relate to and the life experience gap would be too wide.
But because we’re both working professionals who have finished our Master’s, despite the decade gap, we had life stage compatibility.
Friends and family concerns
As human beings, we’re naturally dispositioned to care about how others may view and judge us.
Like many couples with an age gap, we faced initial skepticism from my partner’s mom. She might have worried that the relationship wasn’t serious.
But upon spending time together, it became clear our relationship was serious and the notion was dispelled.
Power and communication gaps
With large age differences, there’s the concern of power imbalances, as the older person generally has more experience, financial resources, social status, or even emotional maturity.
While that can be the case, we play to our strengths in our relationship. We emphasize that we’re equals and partners, and just because one person is older, doesn’t mean they hold power over the other person.
Even in healthy relationships, communication is key to addressing any potential power imbalances that might arise, ensuring all parties feel heard and respected.
Future planning
Planning for the future together, such as where to live and settle and life goals, can differ depending on your age.
When I met my partner, he had been comfortable in San Francisco for 10 years and was likely going to settle there, while I was a gypsy bouncing around the world with no permanent address.
I wasn’t ready to “settle” yet and he was open to moving to a new country with me and that’s how we ended up making it work.
As long as you can find common ground on future planning, age differences shouldn’t be an issue.
…
Focus on Compatibility
When I asked my partner if the age difference bothered him in the beginning of our relationship, he answered, no, I judged you for the person you are and how you present yourself.
I think that sums it up beautifully.
We’re so quick to judge each other based on so many factors such as race, nationality, height, and of course, age.
But what we should be doing is seeing each other as people and focusing on important things like shared values, visions, interests, and goals.
It’s natural to feel apprehensive about an age difference given the social conditioning, but it’s time to focus on what really matters.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
From The Good Men Project on Medium
What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean? | My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence |
***
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—–
Photo credit: Toa Heftiba on Unsplash