It was my first day in big school. I was six and nervous but excited, and I even wore a dress for my grand entrance. Like most people, this event has a special place in my memory.
My mum and I cycled to school, but we were late. I peddled my little legs off with my mum soothing me not to worry; it was only just half-past eight. As we rocked up to the schoolyard-flustered, all the kids had gone in. I felt clammy with panic and cried with huge sobs, as only six-year-olds can.
As I recall, this wasn’t the only time I was late, hadn’t done my homework, or forgot to bring a few coins in for the charity of the month.
Helicopter parents.
When my mum and dad were young, overprotective parenting was only for the select few. Most parents didn’t have the luxury to overthink their kids’ lives. As long as children were fed, washed, and did ok at school, parents did their job.
It was the eighties, and no one had invented the term helicopter parenting yet. Well, I lie; it was coined in 1969 but not widely used until the early nineties. Helicopter parents are caregivers who hover over their children, looking for difficulties they can fix.
Curling parents who sweep a smooth path, for now.
The Scandinavians- in a nod to their love of winter sports- call overprotective caregivers curling parents, sweeping away difficulties to create a smooth life path for their children. But by doing so, they are making life harder to negotiate when they’re adults.
There was no parental naval gazing in the eighties.
Society was different in the eighties. Before the Internet, there was no platform for parental navel-gazing and fretting about relatively small things.
There was no Instagram with picture-perfect families, not a hair out of place or mismatched socks insight. Or Facebook groups with helpful suggestions from parents who you’d never in a million years socialize with, out in the real world. No What’s App class groups twitching about minute homework questions, making you wonder whether your kids (i.e., you) do anything right at all. Ever.
Essentials, not details.
Don’t get me wrong, My parents were amazing and always fully supportive of everything we did. But they focused on the essentials, leaving the details to us because they had lives to lead.
Figuring it out yourself leads to resourcefulness.
I had to solve my own problems. And so I did. I soon copped my teacher would ask us to read one line of homework by seating order. I counted out which one was mine, wrote it down, and read it. Thanks to my teacher’s predictability, I was never caught out.
If I neglected to bring in small change for charity, I made damn sure I brought extra the following month. If my siblings and I fancied pancakes for lunch, we made them ourselves.
I learned to be resourceful.
The forgotten art of raising an adult.
By leaving the minutia of my life to me, my mum taught me essential life skills and allowed me to take responsibility for my own life.
By doing so, she raised an adult, not a child.
It’s funny; my friend who works in HR tells me stories about graduates in their first job. They may have the required qualifications but have never taken a bus independently because their mum drives them to the office. Or she might receive a call from a concerned mum, demanding her to ease Johnny’s workload, as he is ever so tired since he started work.
And she still chuckles, regaling one graduate who confessed he never cooked anything in his life, not even a slice of toast. He was twenty-four. It amazes her how seemingly small things are mountains to these young adults.
Now, I know technology has transformed society since the eighties.
Attitudes have shifted, and with 24-hour media reporting on incidents from all corners of the world, we are more vigilant than our parents were.
Short term fix, long term damage.
Still, by ironing away wrinkles in the short term, we might be storing up problems for them in time. Children with overprotective parents can be prone to developing separation anxiety and panic attacks. It can also make them more entitled, with parents fulfilling their every need. And overinvolved parents raise children without basic life skills, such as cooking, or making toast.
While it is our job to love and guide our children, we should also instill confidence to make their own decisions. It’s a balancing act.
So I consider this, remember my childhood, and drop the ball on purpose now and then with my kids. They don’t need to be on time every day. It will do them good to walk in flustered. Let them forget their book, a form, or even charity money. Or I don’t make lunch and let them fix their own sandwich.
All these seemingly small things allow them to take responsibility, teaching them resourcefulness, a great life skill.
Advice to parents (and me).
I wrote this post with a nod to Donna Sheehy’s essay, Crazy Curly-Top Bed Head, Anna’s: What Do a Kid’s Mismatched Socks Reveal About the Parents? and Why I’ve Started Ignoring My Children by Jacqueline Eager.
I want to say I agree with you all. We should focus on essential things. Don’t sweat the small stuff.
And to all other parents out there: Please cut yourself some slack.
Final Thoughts
- Let go of perfect. Perfection is boring.
- Drop the ball once in a while.
- Don’t overthink every detail. (Not easy, I know.)
- Let your kids do basic chores.
If just like in curling, we sweep our kids’ life path clean before they have a chance to dirty it, they will never learn how to clean up their own mess.
Take it from an anxious six-year-old. By accidentally delaying us, my mum taught me an important lesson. It was ok to come in late. My teacher gave me a window seat, and all the other kids smiled as I ran in.
I had made my grand entrance.
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Previously Published on medium
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