Following the release of Spare, public commentary on Prince Harry and his book have focused largely on the gossipy and sensational aspects. But not enough has been said about the striking relevance of Harry’s story to a meaningful swath of the US population–one for whom Harry’s voice and story can make a world of difference:
The 5.6 million who experience the death of a parent or sibling before age 18, as Prince Harry did. That is one in every thirteen U.S. children, or 7.7% as calculated in 2022 by the Children’s Bereavement Estimation Model. This figure marks an increase of 700,000 since it was first developed in 2018, reflecting higher death rates among people aged 27-46 from multiple causes including Covid.
Losing a parent is never easy, but for children the impact permeates their entire life and can interfere with their development if unaddressed. Their grief may not be obvious, but the suffering is real. Children grieve according to their age, but loss at any stage of growing up is an earthquake that irrevocably shifts the young person’s inner and outer terrain. Volunteering at a children’s grief center, I regularly witness such struggles firsthand, evoking my own early mother loss that I wrote about in my memoir, The Art of Reassembly.
More public conversation and education is needed about this impact– especially among boys, who typically are expected to be tough and strong, rather than express emotions. They are more likely to act out in unhealthy ways. The right steps can dramatically improve quality of life during childhood and beyond for all those who experience early loss by helping to mitigate its effects, which include:
Anxiety, loneliness and confusion
The enormity of loss can be difficult for children to absorb, so their reactions may not look like what adults expect. Young children often go in and out of grief, crying one minute and then running outside to play the next, while older children may have lots of questions at times and withdraw at others.
Grieving children of all ages often feel alone, the only one of their peers to have experienced a loss, and therefore different from all their friends and classmates. Whether they reveal it or not, fear is a significant aspect of grief for children and teens. They often worry about losing someone else. Who will take care of me now? What if someone else dies? Such anxieties may show up in trouble sleeping, separation anxiety, or new sensitivities to places or situations.
Unfortunately, many young people are alone with their emotions. Adults around them may be too grief-stricken themselves or simply unaware that avoiding painful conversations only compounds the grief. For example, although telling a child the truth about how someone died may be very hard, honest information creates trust between child and adult. Children often perceive more than adults realize, so incomplete or vague explanations leave them more afraid or confused and sometimes feeling needlessly guilty.
Upheaval and Unwanted Responsibilities (“Parentification”)
As a grieving young person grapples internally with big emotions, the parent’s death can necessitate outward changes in daily life, removing familiar stability. Besides their loss of a primary relationship, these changes create a cascade of loss in so many other areas of life that the parent touched. These secondary losses are especially painful for children, who usually have little control over such decisions.
For example, when a parent who was the primary breadwinner dies, the other parent may have to resume working, which marks a big change. A new caregiver may come into the picture. Perhaps the house is no longer affordable, so a move becomes necessary, which might require a change of schools and loss of friends. Children who lose their only parent face even greater disruption, while even small changes that affect a once reliable routine can cause distress in a grieving child.
Older children may suddenly be thrust into roles of responsibility for siblings or the household or even as emotional support for the surviving parent in the wake of the death. Constantly being stretched beyond their capacities – “parentified” – creates stress and anxiety. Children learn to ignore their own feelings in deference to others’ needs, and taking on adult concerns so young inhibits their ability to connect with peers so they miss out on normal activities. To have healthy adult relationships, these patterns often must be unlearned.
Impaired Functioning at School
With so much churning within themselves and in their home life, it’s unsurprising that bereaved children may have difficulties with concentration, which leads to a decline in academic performance. Previously accomplished students can become discouraged if their grades fall. Students who struggled before the death are at further disadvantage. Either way, it’s school stress compounding grief.
A study by the University of Pittsburgh found that children who lost a parent were more than twice as likely than nonbereaved kids to show impaired functioning at school and at home, even seven years later. This result held even after researchers adjusted for risk factors such as pre-existing mental health conditions. A 2019 review of population data found that children with parent loss were more likely to be expelled from school or repeat a grade, while they were less likely to be in a gifted program.
A Role for Prince Harry
In the UK, Prince Harry is known for caring gestures toward grieving children, writing letters to kids who lost a parent in the military and offering comfort to young grievers he meets. This is invaluable. Nothing can erase the pain of children’s grief, but having support makes a difference. It can take varied forms, from formal grief programs to spaces and grief education in schools where fortunately, grief awareness is growing. All of these are needed, including Prince Harry’s voice and empathy.
As Harry continues to write this next, American chapter of his life, he would do well to step into the role of public spokesman for children’s grief support here in the U.S. More than five and a half million children are counting on him.
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: Flickr