If your partner or a loved one says, “we need to talk”, what are the first emotions and thoughts that would come to you?
For many of us, a potential problem in a relationship can immediately trigger stress and defensiveness, even if we are not fully aware of it. And the more emotional the relationship is, the stronger it can trigger us.
I’ve been working in the IT field for over a decade, and because I have to solve problems every day, I began to notice how I would face problems unemotionally at work, but I would feel negative about potential problems in my personal relationships.
After some time reflecting on this difference, especially as a mother of a young child, I’ve realized how our experience with interpersonal problems in childhood has shaped our perception and ability to deal with conflicts.
My experience with punishment-based discipline as a child
Like many, I grew up in a family where the only way adults knew how to correct unwanted behaviors was to punish, either physically or through words. Whether the behavior was an accident or not, such as breaking a glass cup, I would be punished and left to process the learning and emotions myself.
Like many, I used to believe in the popular “I was punished but still grew up fine”.
And yet today I can clearly see how unhealthy it is, and why for so many including myself, it has been a blindspot for such a long time.
I do believe that many parents tried to do their best based on what they knew and what patterns they inherited as they grew up. It really takes lots of awareness and learning to break free from ingrained patterns, and I feel so blessed that in my generation, information is so freely accessible now. Even so, it can take a lot of inner work to heal such inherited patterns and break the chain of suffering.
Punishment does work in diminishing unwanted behavior. The major issue is that it has many negative impacts that can really condition and limit our lives as we become adults.
Making mistakes is human. It’s part of the learning process. And yet punishment teaches us to be afraid of them.
It teaches us to permanently react with stress and flight or fight response whenever a potential problem arises. Over time, it affects our confidence and self-worth, as potential mistakes make us feel bad about ourselves and doubt our capacity.
It also makes children less inclined to seek adults’ help whenever they have a problem, as they might be afraid of being punished.
The problem with unhealthy patterns
Unhealthy patterns are like blindspots to us because we grow up so used to them being what’s normal.
For example, an abuse victim often perceives the abuse dynamic as normal, and yet someone who doesn’t share that unhealthy pattern can clearly see it as unhealthy and have the proper boundaries towards it.
This is also why, depending on the degree of healthy or unhealthy relationship patterns we inherit, some of us are able to solve conflicts together more harmoniously, while others might get into very intense emotions or even have explosive fights.
In my personal relationships, it took me many years to actually notice the toxic patterns, of how I or my ex-partners subtly used people-pleasing as a safety mechanism to protect ourselves, and how it was not ok to treat each other in certain ways.
Hurt people hurt people. Because of our inherent fear of conflicts, we often automatically reacted defensively to protect ourselves from others, seeing each other as adversaries in a win-lose situation instead of partners in a win-win situation.
And because it became so familiar, it can take many years to truly see the toxic patterns that are subtly impacting our capacity for healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
Becoming a parent myself
I used to think that I had it all figured out. I had my child when I was 32 years old, married and with a stable, growing career in IT. I used to assume that I had enough maturity, stability and emotional wisdom to be the perfect mother for him.
However, my child’s birth changed my perception of motherhood deeply. I was definitely not ready, and there was just so much to learn and relearn.
Relearning new ways for the sake of our children’s education hasn’t been only about identifying what doesn’t work.
As I grew up in a mainly punitive environment, I found myself clueless to what are the actual practical tools I could use to provide a more nurturing, positive education.
Nowadays, many parents often encounter a whole new world of information and education paradigms, showing them how much they need to heal, relearn and work on.
They are also involved in a fast-paced daily routine where they have to juggle the demands of work and the logistics of family, while often being isolated from the support of relatives and communities.
For many of us, it is definitely not easy. But it’s important to remember that we are already trying to do our best, out of the circumstances.
I used to stress about not making any mistakes as a mother. But then I learned that this is just my inherited aversion towards mistakes itself, due to my punitive upbringing.
As I shifted my mindset, I became more forgiving of the mistakes I might make, and I also started to give more importance to self-care so that I could naturally become more patient and have more energy.
This is an important lesson because as role models for our children, we are also showing them that we are understanding and loving to ourselves.
Mindset: the precious legacy we can leave for our children
Perhaps the most important aspect of letting go of punishment, and shifting to a more positive-based education, is that it teaches our children a completely different mindset.
Punishment teaches children to see mistakes (accidentally or not) as something to be feared and hidden from adults. So when they grow up, they usually perceive any potential problem or conflict as stressful.
But if instead of punishment, whenever a child makes a mistake we show them how we can fix the situation together, we show them how we can focus on problem-solving, and how they can trust the adults if anything happens.
In life, we need a level of confidence in taking risks and learning from mistakes to successfully pursue what we desire.
When children grow up less afraid, they are more resilient and confident with themselves and what they are capable of doing.
And in interpersonal relationships, they tend to focus on fixing any issues that might naturally arise, instead of reacting automatically with stress and needing to defend themselves.
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Mónica Valverde is a daydreamer navigating the experience of human life. She’s in love with Spirituality, Inner Work and Relationships.
If you find this interesting, feel free to check out other related articles:
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How Self-Love Deeply Affects Our Relationships
Different Types Of Counseling That Can Help Improving Your Life
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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