I almost did not marry my husband.
I love my husband but unfortunately, when it comes to friends and family he avoids conflict and confrontation. I used to find this extremely difficult to swallow because I was the opposite. I have some STRONG opinions and I usually make them known.
Over time this trait got increasingly frustrating for me. I started to ignore all the many qualities that he did have — kindness, compassion and reliability. ALL I was focused on, was his inability to be able to face into difficult conversations with the people he loved. In my mind, I started to picture myself as being trapped in a marriage where I would be subjugated to the whims and fancies of everyone around us, with him standing silently in the background — very much like a modern-day Cinderella.
I remember one day being really upset and talking to a friend and saying “He’s always trying to make everyone happy, I want him to call out things that are CLEARLY unfair or unreasonable and draw some boundaries… (describing a situation). Isn’t this CLEARLY wrong? Why doesn’t he say something?”
I’ll never forget what she said, “It’s not fair of you to expect him to deal with the situation how you would. He’s not a confrontational person and if you really loved him you would accept that.”
That moment hit home HARD. And it really changed things between us. We started working more as a team. Instead of blaming him, I was able to strategise with him to drive the outcomes that we both wanted.
I decided to RADICALLY ACCEPT the way he was. It wasn’t easy and required me to look really hard at myself and give up the need to be right and to win. I realised that somewhere along the way I had learned that self-esteem is linked to how much better or worse I was, compared to other people. In order to make our marriage work, I realised this was something that I needed to give up.
WHAT IS RADICAL ACCEPTANCE?
Radical acceptance is a potent practice. In any situation, it stops you from pushing against reality and wishing things were different. They aren’t.
Instead of focusing on the problem it allows you to focus on possible solutions. Radical acceptance doesn’t mean you give up what you want but it allows you to stop moaning about life, get really clear on what your true priorities are and get really creative with coming up with solutions…
So many of us suffer because we’ve been hurt by the people in our lives (myself included). Look I know your life would be soo much better if:
👉🏻 Your boss was compassionate
👉🏻 Your husband or partner was more affectionate
👉🏻 Your mother-in-law wasn’t so damn competitive and nit-picky
But here’s the thing. You’ve got what you’ve got. If you focus all your energy on other people and how they are hurting you, you forget the most important part of the equation. YOU! Why are you taking this behaviour so personally? What is this reminding you of?
HOW CAN YOU APPLY RADICAL ACCEPTANCE IN A MARRIAGE?
Research done by the Gottman Institute has found that:
69% of all problems in a relationship are insolvable. These may be things like personality traits your partner has that rub you the wrong way, or long-standing issues around spending and saving money
Imagine that! When we run into differences in our relationship, our tendency is to either avoid and ignore them altogether or to try and completely eliminate them. When both strategies inevitably fail we start to question the validity of the relationship and wonder whether we made the wrong choice.
So what can you do, given that these differences are bound to come in any relationship?
In order for your relationship to survive, you have to find a way to discuss differences in a positive and constructive way. Sometimes it is about expressing RADICAL ACCEPTANCE without any caveats of someone’s personality and appreciating the other’s point of view without necessarily agreeing with your partner on an issue.
Not everyone needs to see the world as we do and THAT IS ALRIGHT. Often times these differences trigger us emotionally because of past emotional injuries. In order for us to be able to move forward, it is important for us to release the pain from the past. This involves a RADICAL acceptance of what happened. The past cannot be changed no matter how painful. When we stop wishing and hoping that it was different we are able to find forgiveness. When you are able to be unemotional about differences with your partner, for the sake of your relationship, you will be able to agree to disagree. Other times you will be able to work together to find a workable compromise.
HOW CAN RAPID TRANSFORMATIONAL THERAPY (RTT) HELP?
Using hypnosis, RTT can help you access the memories of when, how and where you were first hurt so that you can release all the negativity and bad associations with those memories and start afresh. The people in your life won’t change but YOU WILL.
👉🏻You will be firmer and more assertive with your boss
👉🏻 You will be able to recognise all the ways in which your husband/partner is trying to show he loves you or communicate your needs in a healthier way
👉🏻 You’ll be able to take a step back from the competition and take your mother-in-law’s behaviour with a bigger pinch of salt and find compassion for her.
Here’s the thing — only when you change will you be able to respond to the people around you differently and only then will the outcomes you experience change.
Looking back now I find my worries about my relationship to be laughable. My husband and I will still often discuss and debate how we can balance his needs of maintaining peace and my need to have strong boundaries—but I am far from the helpless Cinderella of my nightmares. By creating a safe space between us, I can voice my reservations and frustrations and so can he. This has built trust between us that we are both committed to each other and to each other’s wellbeing.
When you choose a partner you are also inevitably choosing a particular set of unresolvable problems. No one escapes this fact — but by learning to accept these differences and learning how to manage them you can keep your relationship and the love between your couple alive and well.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean? | My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence |
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