How Romantic Attraction Actually Works

If you’re not in control of who you date, who (or what) is?

And how did you end up losing that control? Don’t you have free will?

No matter how much you consciously desire a healthy relationship, to the point where you’d do anything to meet the right person everything just seems to work against you.

You routinely end up with the same toxic people and the same crappy relationships just with different names and faces.

I’ve spent the last two years analyzing my relationship struggles since my last major breakup.

And it all came down to three main paradigms. These core patterns don’t just affect my dating life, but every aspect of who I am.

Once I identified and understood what was going on, everything clicked into place, and breaking the cycle became far simpler than I could have imagined.

Stop following the programming and this will happen

1. Reduced anxiety in your life and your relationships

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There was a point in my life where I was dating insecure and avoidant women.

In an anxious-avoidant relationship, both people trigger each other.

The avoidant pulls away, and the other person’s anxiety sky-rockets.

Which continues the cycle. The anxious person chases, the avoidant continues to distance themselves

Once I realized this was a significant pattern, I stopped chasing after avoidants. I knew I couldn’t control their behavior, but I could do something about my own.

Two things will happen here:

You’ll stop trying to control the outcome of the relationship (control over things you have no control over is a huge factor in anxiety)
With awareness, you’ll stop dating people who will naturally trigger anxiety and who are clearly unavailable from the start

2. Your partner will treat you with more respect.

The funny thing with toxic people is that one of the main reasons they’re a problem in your life is that they know they can get away with treating you poorly.

By being clear and direct with most people, they’ll either exit your life out of their own volition, or they will start treating you better.

Even if the process leading up to it isn’t pretty.

What you can do right now

1. Audit your past relationships

Write down the names of your past three to five romantic partners. The length of your relationships doesn’t matter.

Even a two-week stint with someone can reveal more than you think.

If you don’t have any relationship experience that’s fine:

Think about and write down the patterns in any friendships you have or your experience with your parents or caregivers.

If you only had one relationship, consider what those patterns might be.

Potential patterns you might notice:

You were dating unavailable people
You were routinely the caretaker, fixer, or as I like to call it, the “emotional foster partner”
Obvious toxicity, abuse, manipulation, or control (often a sign you have low self-respect)
Overlooked red flags
Someone had commitment phobia

Also, important here: consider how you respond to conflict or closeness.

Pick the behavior you’re more likely to do.

Do you:

A) Create space with others?
B) Lean in even further?

This thought experiment will reveal your general attachment patterns.

Attachment patterns dictate a huge portion of your relationships.

2. Set boundaries asap

Hold your partner accountable.

If you’re single, consider how you might respond to someone in the future.

For example, through self-exploration, you might come to find out you prefer seeing someone on a regular basis than just once in a while.

“I want to see the person I’m dating often — perhaps multiple times a week or even every day if we’re in agreement. I’d rather be upfront about this now and see if we mesh than wait until things get serious to discuss our needs.”

If they dismiss this request, can’t agree, or don’t take it seriously, you’re not obligated to continue seeing them.

In fact, it’s better to hold a boundary and leave now than to waste time.

Also, don’t give people extra chances if they ghost, flake or play games with you.

People make time for those they care about.

(Even if there’s a lot going on)

So you don’t need a dramatic confrontation. Just leave them.

Yes, it might hurt. Yes, they might not like it.

But none of this is about being mean or selfish. It’s about being brutally honest with yourself and following through with what’s right for you.

You can walk away. That’s it. (And I know… it’s far easier said than done, I totally get it)

But you can make the first steps today.

For advice on how to take the lead and set boundaries in your relationships, I’d suggest reading my 9-page PDF on this topic, which you can download here.

Why most of your relationships are the way they are

All of your relationships mirror your current emotional state, your self-esteem, and who you think you ‘are.’

But you’ve probably been telling yourself that these relationships just happen and it’s bad luck.

It’s not.

The interesting thing about romantic relationships is… you don’t have to be in one…

So, whatever it is you’re experiencing on a long-term basis, is something you’re tolerating. It’s something you’re saying “I’m okay with this. This is fine.”

You’re unconsciously seeking out familiar patterns, even if these patterns are miserable experiences.

And every relationship has a lesson to be learned if you dig deep enough.

Maybe it’s about:

Learning how to set boundaries and stand up for yourself
Emotional independence and the freedom of choice
Knowing you’re not responsible for anyone else and the freedom that comes with that

…

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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