Martin and Janice arrived for our third couples therapy session with flushed faces. On the way to the session, they had been arguing in the car. Janice was very clear who was to blame: ‘If you didn’t always react so aggressively, we wouldn’t be sitting here’. Martin looked resigned. ‘You used to tell me that I was the kindest man you ever met. Now I can’t say anything without you feeling attacked. Do you realize that you are always angry?’
When trouble hits a relationship, most partners tend to point the finger the other way blaming any stress in the relationship on the other. Particularly in the Power Struggle Phase of the relationship, couples often engage in clashes around who is right and who always gets it wrong. Couples enter the Power Struggle phase after the initial enchantment phase — The Spark — has worn off. There had previously been an acknowledgment that the partner might not be quite as perfect as initially thought in the second phase of the relationship — The Chasm — but now things are getting a bit more heated.
In the third stage of the relationship — The Power Struggle — the partner you adored at first now shows many cracks. Janice noticed that Martin quickly flew off the handle. Martin felt that Janice often overreacted when he expressed his frustrations. Often there is a not only a sense of disappointment and disillusionment with your partner but with the relationship as a whole. This is not quite what you had in mind when dreaming of a perfect relationship.
The process that leads to this realization tends to happen over a period of time, until eventually there comes a point where you might be wondering: who is the other person I am in a relationship with? Your beloved partner from yesterday now seems to be a distant shadow from the person you are living your life with now. Often this initial sense of disappointment is proceeded by a phase of denial, where both of you are actively working at not seeing fault in each other. In the case of Janice and Martin, there had been rumblings in the relationship for a while which both shrugged off and tried to ignore.
It may be too difficult for both of you to address these difficulties and disappointments. Doing so would mean that you are openly acknowledging that there are strains in the relationship and that it is not as perfect as it used to be. Further down the line partners have a choice: they can work through their difficulties and disappointments or they choose to indefinitely engage in a mutual blame game, where the partner is the greatest source of frustration and disappointment in life. For many couples this situation can go on for quite a while, for many it goes on for years. Martin and Janice had been together for 10 years. Those couples who have not managed to enter a new phase where there is mutual acknowledgment and negotiation may spiral into a situation where they experience utter despair. Couples in this situation often feel very hurt by their partner and some subsequently develop a lot of contempt for each other. They have given up hope that their difficulties can be addressed and managed. They have also lost sight of the person who they fell in love with many years ago.
In the Power Struggle, there are often unconscious processes at work which are related to healing some of the old wounds that we experienced in our earlier life. We often chose partners who we believe to be finally offering an opportunity to fix what could not be fixed in childhood, adolescence, or early adult life. Our partner becomes the substitute for the parent, grandparent or sibling who did not offer enough love, support, encouragement, validation, or acceptance. With the help of our partner we try to create a better experience than the troubling one we had when younger. The earlier relationship might not have been troubling in every way but there might have been a longing that was not fulfilled. Janice had always hoped for a partner who would tell her that she was smart and could go a long way in life. She did not hear this often enough from Martin. Martin wished for a partner who would not hassle him so much. His dad — who had been very anxious — always criticized every little action. Now, meeting a new partner we have an opportunity for correction. The wonderful person at the beginning of the relationship offers us a giant screen onto which we can project all our desires, longing and hopes. However, the happy movie does not run for ever. Once it has ended and the screen is rolled up, our sense of disappointment at the reality that is opening up in front of our eyes can be quite devastating.
Working through the Power Struggle requires of both partners to have a more conscious relationship. In such a relationship both partners pay more attention to their unfulfilled childhood wishes and wounds and the healing that still needs to be done. Healing can start to take place if each partner takes a step back and takes stock. What is it that I am looking for? Is this a realistic expectation? In a more conscious relationship, there is an acknowledgment that both of you contribute to difficulties in the relationship either actively or passively. Partners learn to listen to what the other has to say. Partner learn to respond to criticism in a less reactive and defensive way. And both partners take responsibility for starting a constructive dialogue if they are frustrated about aspects of the relationship. There is also an acknowledgment that nobody is perfect and can offer everything to the other.
One of the most challenging aspects of a more conscious relationships is to accept that your partner is quite separate from you: he or she will often think, feel, or behave very differently. While this can be frustrating at times, “Why can’t they see things like me?” it’s also worth remembering that you benefit from each other’s perspectives. You may not agree but it might enable you to test your views or to see things in new light. Your partner may balance out areas of difficulty for you: you might be very organized and plan for everything; your partner may be wonderfully spontaneous. Being more self-aware in your relationship also entails having a greater understanding of who you are as a person. Why do your respond to situations in a particular way? Are there better ways? Do your responses serve you or your relationship well? Being more conscious entails noticing what you don’t like about yourself. In relationships, we often criticize aspects of our partner, for example behaviors or traits, that we don’t like in ourselves. Janice hated her dad’s rages and cannot tolerate her own anger. Frequently she accuses Martin of being angry rather than looking at her own.
In a conscious relationship where both partners are more self-aware, there is a mutual understanding that relationships do require continuous work, care, attention and renewed commitment. Communication — talking and listening to each other, recognizing and clarifying perspectives, even if challenging- is key to understanding each other’s inner world. Understanding your partner and being understood creates more room for connection and for having your needs met. That in turn reduces the need for conflict and enables couples to move from The Power Struggle to the next, more mature stage, The Union.
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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