Key Points:
Some lose interest in a partner, sex, or both. After sexual activity, they often feel worse.
When one partner is less sexually interested than the other, the other may resent or hurry for solutions.
Long-term partners should be truthful and courteous while discussing sex, especially if one was forced.
Sex should be joyful. You should crave sex. Many don’t want it. Or, they don’t want it with their spouse now.
Some lack desire (“well, I could take it or leave it”), while others have an extreme dislike for having sex with their spouse. These people feel worse after sexual activity — about themselves, their partner, the relationship, and sexual behavior in general.
How can something so good become so terrible?
Sex in Romantic Relationships
Sexual desire is influenced by many elements, so there are no simple fixes or straightforward strategies for sparking things in the bedroom (I’ve addressed some of these in earlier writings).
One spouse often desires sex more than the other in relationships.
To diminish a person’s sexual urge, make them feel forced to have sex. People who can’t say no are less inclined to accept offers. Reluctantly agreeing or not saying no is not the same as an enthusiastic yes.
Sometimes their spouse pressures them to have sex. This can be apparent, such as when someone pushes on having sex with their partner after they’ve said they’re not interested.
They may be demanding, angry, or whining and unhappy. In any situation, it compels sexual activity from the companion. This may win the fight, but it will lose the war since the partner will be even less interested next time.
Sometimes the individual themselves exerts sexual pressure. They may feel they can’t say no since it would be unfair to their partner. Or they fear saying no. They may have trouble tolerating their partner’s disappointment or wrath and feel obligated to fix it.
Or they may be worried that their partner will seek sexual fulfillment elsewhere. Whether from the other partner or the uninterested person’s personal concerns, these anxieties diminish sexual desire. They’ll comply physically, but not emotionally.
Do you even want what you’re getting?
When someone is not interested in them, they won’t enjoy sex as much. They may still have an orgasm, but that doesn’t mean they’re thrilled about what’s happening.
They may be going through the motions to escape a bad circumstance. This won’t excite them for the next five, ten, or twenty encounters.
Their partner probably notices their lack of enthusiasm. Maybe their partner isn’t a fish out of the water, but they’re not performing well. Physically, everything works, but emotionally, it doesn’t.
This person may initially want more or better sexual activities. They may buy new toys or lingerie or suggest racy new postures. In general, it’s wonderful to invest in your sex life and try new things, but in this case, the issue isn’t status quo tiredness, thus thrilling novelty isn’t the cure.
Instead, it will add pressure or things to decline. Since rejection is unpleasant, the more interested partner may lose interest. Couples may have trouble getting there.
So, how can you keep sexual desire alive in your relationship?
Create situations where both parties want to be. This may require longer foreplay or different forms of contact. Altering the events before sexual engagement may help. Or it may need to resolve interpersonal or life issues influencing the bedroom.
Couples should talk about sexuality. Respectful, successful interactions are harder. In long-term partnerships, it’s impossible to pretend desire if you don’t want to be there. If someone feels forced to engage in sexual activities they don’t want to, they need help. Possible extreme listening.
Generosity is crucial to relationships and sex, but only if freely provided. The person can choose to withhold the information. Genuine sexual generosity requires more effort from both partners, but it’s worth it.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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