How ‘Space’ Changed My Relationship

When boyfriend, “A” asked me for some space to get his head right I thought our very quick 4 month relationship was over. And now, we’re having conversations about living together and marriage and all it took was that “space” to get us there.

And before I get into the nitty gritty — when you know you know. I’m not naive, or too hopeful, and I am cautious and have a wall ready to go up when I need it. But after 8 months of bliss with a month of what the fuck thrown in there. I can say this man will most likely be my husband.

At the big age of 31 with 4 big girl relationships under my belt, all I’ve ever known when someone asked for space (myself included) it meant they needed to think about whether or not the relationship was for them. In the case of boyfriend, he needed to think on whether or not the lifestyle he was living was helpful to what could be in our relationship.

The breaking point of us working or not working was of course him getting arrested and me wondering if this is something I can handle. But after watching him for the past few months take stride in life changes and really pull himself together I realized that the 3 week long break we took is exactly what our relationship needed.

We had time to get back to what we loved doing.

3 weeks isn’t a long time, but it is enough time to remember things you like doing alone. It is enough time to realize that you may have been sacrificing your life for them.

In those 3 weeks I realized that I needed to keep my schedule to keep my sanity and I told myself in those 3 weeks that if we are to work out this isn’t something I can budge on. This was my official deal-breaker. I need to go to the gym, and rock climb on Tuesdays. I need my cardio boxing class on Thursday mornings and my walk with my aunt and our 3 dogs on Saturday morning. Now, this doesn’t mean that I can’t budge on these things — but these are the things that make me happy. Including him, so I kept them.

Communication is more important now than it ever has been.

Going weeks without talking means that now every little things gets talked about. We address everything no matter how small. I don’t think his sarcasm fits in the day with my mood? Let’s talk about it. He’s a little hangry and I’m feeling sensitive? Let’s talk about that too. I need a little more affection from him or he’s feeling overwhelmed and over loved. There is another conversation to be had.

We didn’t talk about things like this in depth before. It was more of a slight conversation about some feelings but not all and then we brushed off the big stuff. That wasn’t working.

I learned that in order to be successful in our relationship, he needs alone time and lots of it.

I’ve been alone as in single for quite some time. But I rarely have spent time alone in my life. I have 4 brothers, overbearing parents, 5 wonderful best friends and over a dozen aunts and uncles and cousins who I see more than your average family. It’s rare that I spend time alone. So rare that I’ve learned to not only love being alone but I’ve also gotten used to NEVER being alone.

He on the other hand is an only child with not much family. Alone time is exactly what he needs. I’ve learned though that it’s mental for him. He likes my physical presence — but when it’s time to think or work or in my case — write, he prefers the silence while we sit in my office with my on the sofa and him at the desk. He doesn’t want to be bothered with small talk but he does want to look over and smile at me from time to time. We may move to the living room to work together in front of the TV but it’s all a matter of what needs to be done throughout the day and our work loads.

I can’t say whether or not this change and that space go hand in hand. But what I do know is that we’re in a good place.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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