Have you ever gotten into an argument where you thought you were right and your partner was convinced they were right? You fight, try to prove your side, and find the holes in their side to gain the satisfaction of being right and winning the argument?
But then, even if you win the argument, there is just greater division between you two. Even if everything appears the same on the surface, deep down, there’s just something different – a feeling of even just a little bit more friction.
A little bit of friction may not sound like much but ask yourself, how many times does that happen? And if it keeps happening, will it strengthen or weaken the connection and love of the relationship?
Be easy on yourself, we aren’t taught about this stuff – how are we to know about something we were never taught?
We are just gently bringing awareness to this now.
In most relationships, there are so many subtle and overt attempts to “beat” or “control” our partner to do something we think they should; to agree with us, to see things our way, to do something we want, and so much more.
Every time we use force to try to get things to go the way we think they should go, we are unknowingly also creating greater friction in the relationship.
In other words, when we push one way, there is an automatic push from our partner in the opposite direction.
With some introspection, you can see this playing out in your life every day.
When someone tells you to do something or even asks you with a hint of an underlying intention to control you and get their way, notice how there is an inner resistance that comes up within you.
We are all familiar with the “don’t tell me what to do” inner voice that comes up. This part also really likes to push back whenever it senses any attempt to be controlled – even if seemingly well-meaning.
There is nothing to be guilty about here. We all have this part.
It’s something we inherit being human.
It’s not personal but actually, is an impersonal pattern that arises totally automatically and spontaneously if you pay close enough attention.
This impersonal tendency of pressure and the counter-resistance it generates is the source of all conflict in relationships.
The antidote is surrender.
When we give up trying to change people and instead freely allow them to be as they are, we stop pressuring them.
When that pressure is relieved, the counter-resistance within them also decompresses.
We have all experienced this in our life at some point– that moment we drop trying to prove a point and the argument melts in laughter.
It happens in a moment of surrender.
Suddenly losing and winning lose their importance in the light of love.
We can utilise this consciously in our relationships by prioritising surrender above winning and controlling.
Instead of wanting to change our partner in any way, if we value letting go of wanting to change them – suddenly life becomes a lot easier.
Why would we want this? Not only does it make life easier and instantly more enjoyable for us, but it actually supports our partner in choosing whatever is best for them.
When we allow our partner to be as they are as the foundation, they feel that support as less pressure and greater freedom to choose.
Combined with our love for them, that freedom allows them to more rapidly discover what the best choice for them is on their own.
In other words, we give them the freedom to explore life and the support to change what isn’t working — if that’s what they want for themselves.
A lot of the time, we have a lot of difficulties admitting things or sharing vulnerabilities.
Pressure only adds to that difficulty whilst loving unconditional support, relieves that pressure and allows for healing.
Just reflect upon this for yourself, are you always 100% happy to admit when you’re wrong? Aren’t there times when it’s hard? Well, it’s even harder when you feel pressure from someone. It’s a lot easier to admit mistakes when we feel supported and loved for who we are no matter what.
So much conflict in the relationship can be dissolved if we are truly willing to see things from our partner’s eyes.
When we are willing to surrender being right and open up to the highest good of everyone involved.
It takes courage to surrender in this way. But as we continue to surrender and put love for all first, the relationship totally transforms.
The block to surrender is the fact that often, we would rather feel the satisfaction of being right than let go and open up to a different perspective.
That’s just the reality of having an ego. It’s a ferocious little beast within us.
It’s not a bad thing either. Without it, humanity would not have survived as long as it has.
There is no point in vilifying tendencies we have inherited being part of the animal kingdom.
The monkeys that rip each other to pieces have mostly the same brain we do – we just have more subtle ways of ripping into each other now.
The last thing a ferocious monkey mind wants is to surrender and let someone else “win”. Often, that’s how the mind sees it – if I don’t win, then they do. Someone has to win and someone has to lose.
So surrender is then seen as weakness. But actually, it’s not about winning or losing. Surrender is about love.
At the end of the day when you reflect on the relationship, will you care about who won or lost that argument? About who got their way and who didn’t?
Or will you smile at the moments of love, kindness, and compassion shared together?
That’s what surrender is – it’s just acknowledging the important stuff and letting go of the trivialities.
There is a lot more to say about this topic, if you’d like greater clarity you can read my free e-book here.
Enjoy the exploration.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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