Meet Luke. He’s decided he is getting divorced. And he’s going to be okay.
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Luke is 47 years old, married for 19 years, 2 kids (15 and 17), a house, a dog and a condo in Florida.
He’s been trying to save his marriage for 4 years.
Starting today he is done trying and has made the decision to move on.
He isn’t going to complain to her again. No more threats of leaving. No more arguing.
And no more living in fear that the rest of his life will be miserable.
On Saturday he will simply and calmly inform her of his decision.
♦◊♦
Luke is a Bit Odd
Luke is an oddball. Women initiate divorces more often than men by a factor of 2 to 1. But Luke is a rare breed who has decided exactly how he wants his life to go and has gained the courage to take action.
He isn’t leaving for another woman.
It would be different if he thought there was a chance – the slightest glimmer of hope. But his marriage is dead and, despite his efforts, she has no intention of creating a new life with him.
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He has tried to get his wife to join him in counseling without success.
He has read countless books and attended seminars to help improve himself as a husband and a father.
He is emotionally intelligent, available and articulate.
After 4 years of personal effort and futile conversations, there has been no improvement in the cold, distant, disrespectful and indifferent attitude his wife shows toward him.
It is crystal clear now to Luke that she has no desire, willingness or capability to be the type of partner he wants and deserves in his life.
It would be different if he thought there was a chance – the slightest glimmer of hope. But his marriage is dead and, despite his efforts, she has no intention of creating a new life with him.
Saturday is the day that he will begin creating his own.
♦◊♦
Regret and Guilt
In his work to save his relationship Luke has had plenty of time to reflect. He isn’t a perfect man and he admits it. But he is man who is willing to learn and grow. He wishes his wife was too.
He regrets many of the missteps and mistakes many young couples make. He regrets being angry and confused with her. He regrets saying stupid things and being insensitive at times.
Guilt sets in each time he looks back at a time when he could have been a stronger man. More confident. More loving. More supportive. More empathetic.
He wonders if she will ever feel regret or guilt for her imperfections and bad choices.
And then the big question:
What if he knew then what he knows now? Would it have changed anything?
♦◊♦
Divorcing With Honor
The conversation lasted only about 15 minutes on Saturday. She didn’t have much to say.
Luke didn’t ask any questions this time. He didn’t wait for a rebuttal.
His calm, deliberate and kind frame of mind felt natural to him as he explained why he was ending the marriage and what the necessary next steps would be.
He didn’t try to dig up old pains or place blame. He simply explained the type of life and love he was going to pursue from this day forward and that it didn’t include her anymore.
She cried for the first time in years. Luke had finished crying months ago.
They agreed to settle amicably and used a mediator lawyer to help with the paperwork.
During his personal growth work Luke adopted some important rules that directed his energy. And over the next few months he added a few more. These rules were for him and nobody else. They were his own honor code.
I can’t control anyone or the choices they make. I can only control how I respond.
I am clear about my own values and beliefs. When I am clear, there is no need to argue about them or defend them.
I invite into my life those people who share my values for healthy, respectful, caring relationships. Those who don’t will not be in my life.
I show my kids a model of a man who acts from a place of love and compassion.
I have high expectations of myself and for the type of life I will lead.
I honor my wife and my marriage without placing blame or talking behind her back.
I accept my role in our imperfect marriage and choose to use the mistakes and the pain to become a better man.
♦◊♦
Luke’s story is shared by many men I know personally. This short account doesn’t show the depth of soul searching, personal exploration, emotional anguish and sadness they experience on their way to this kind of clarity and confidence. In fact, clarity and confidence can’t be achieved without a ton of work and anguish.
A decision to end your marriage shouldn’t be taken lightly. In most cases, men have more work to do before they see as clearly and feel as confident as Luke.
And if you think you’re ready to create a new chapter in your life, do it with your honor intact. You will never regret it.
♦◊♦
I wrote a free e-book for men trying to save their marriage. Click HERE for a free copy of
The Hard-to-Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage
Photo Dreamstime
Kudo to Luke for deciding to cut his losses and move on instead of trying to stay with a sinking ship. I wish more men were like that instead of being miserable by staying with a person for many years and getting nothing in return.
“Luke is an oddball. Women initiate divorces more often than men by a factor of 2 to 1. But Luke is a rare breed who has decided exactly how he wants his life to go and has gained the courage to take action.” Here’s drink to Luke!! I too was an “oddball.” “He didn’t try to dig up old pains or place blame. He simply explained the type of life and love he was going to pursue from this day forward and that it didn’t include her anymore.” I told my ex wife that day (among other thing), “I have… Read more »