During my early adult life, I saw all sorts of behavior during conflicts — from people throwing lamps at me to actually trying to jump out of a window. But rest assured, those weren’t exactly best practices when it comes to arguing.
They were immature cases of losing self-control and desperate attempts of gaining the upper hand by manipulation, driven by an even more desperate need for victory.
And they caused permanent damage to the relationships they manifested in.
Which brings me to something the French essayist Joseph Joubert once said:
“The aim of argument, or of discussion, should not be victory, but progress.”
Getting to that progress, instead of cumulatively destroying your relationship, requires you to methodically use certain practices while simultaneously avoiding others. Let’s have a look at them.
Taking responsibility
First and foremost, you should always be open to the possibility that you might be wrong. And if it dawns to you that you are, be ready to clearly admit it as well.
The same applies to hurting your partner — admit and apologize. Always.
If you never feel that you could be wrong — or that you have done wrong, the problem most likely lies in you. And you’re actively injecting anger and resentment into your partner every time you deny being accountable.
Choice of words and tone
You know this person. There are triggers and topics towards which they are sensitive. There are things that you know are sacred to them. And there are insecurities that you are aware of.
Never weaponize any of those things, and if you really have to bring up something sensitive, be gentle.
It should go without saying that insulting someone on purpose is also off the table. It’s a way of being destructive, not constructive. And a sure way of making a major withdrawal from their emotional bank account.
It’s also worth noting that you can’t take back your words or the hurt caused by them. In some cases, what you say is likely to linger for a long time — if not eternally — in the mind of your partner.
Your partner might accept your apology and life might seemingly go on, but they will remember. And over time, that stuff is likely to add up. It’s a subconscious process that even they themselves can’t entirely control.
Plus, you should also watch your tone. A shouting match requires two people. When at least one keeps calm and peaceful, it’s less likely for the argument to escalate.
Topics
Argue only over the current matter.
It’s very human to experience flashbacks of past issues — especially when the situation gets heated.
That thing they said or did two months ago and which you apparently forgave them for — it has quite a high probability to piss you off again.
And you might feel the urge to bring it up once more.
But don’t! Because, if you do, you might bring about a snowball effect.
Your partner probably has an equal amount of stuff they could drag out again. And soon the two of you would be exhausted and all over the place, having forgotten what the current argument was actually about.
Just try to stick to the topic at hand. You can discuss other matters when things have cooled down — that is if they still bother you at all.
Timing
In some conditions, arguments tend to be harsher and last longer. For instance, when people are tired. Because, mental fatigue amplifies negative thoughts and emotions, and makes it harder to let go of them.
One gets easily stuck on repeat in some negative thought and their reduced brainpower inhibits objective processing of incoming information.
Consequently, it’s easy to become deaf to information that, in other conditions, would help to de-escalate the situation.
Thus, try not to argue when you’re tired.
A mutual agreement of discussing explosive subjects only with a fresh head — even if that means pausing and postponing arguments when they arise — is a wise move.
Interruptions
Patience to hear the other person out, especially when you’re angry and don’t agree with what they’re saying, may be hard to find.
Nevertheless, try to.
Because constantly interrupting someone to disprove their point or to present yours is another short way to a shouting contest.
With some self-discipline, you can learn to wait ten seconds before you open your mouth.
It makes a hell of a difference in the noise you two create.
And it also helps to de-escalate the situation as being heard out gives the other person the assumption of being understood (even if it’s not the case).
Affirmations
Have you ever said “I love you” to your partner in the middle of a fight? Warmly, preferably while simultaneously hugging them?
Although it might seem like a controversial idea, it’s actually a way of shifting their attention onto what really matters. Namely, to the very glue that holds you two together.
It’s difficult to respond with hostility when someone declares their love for you. And it can change one’s perspective regarding the perceived relevance of the matter under discussion.
Furthermore, it’s a way of making your partner feel safe — despite the argument they’re having with you. Feeling safe is something that helps to survive arguments more easily and facilitates giving each other space, if ever needed.
Giving space
Which brings us here.
If things get really emotional, one of you might need to cool off or process things alone. And a temporary pause is ok — if asked for politely and without drama (e.g., running away and banging doors).
If your partner needs a moment to be alone, don’t follow them. Let them know that you’re available and ready to talk when they feel they’re ready.
If you have reached your limit, calmly ask for the same.
But under no circumstances force yourself or processing the situation upon your partner if they need to take a breather. Just wait, be available and let the air clear.
Then you can continue in a calmer manner afterwards.
Respecting the other’s standpoint
Acknowledge the other’s opinions and feelings and express respect towards them — even if you’re having difficulties with understanding them.
That doesn’t mean that you have to agree with your partner if, in reality, you don’t.
But it almost certainly helps to ease the tension as for most people being heard is more important than being agreed with.
Rephrasing your partner’s standpoint — mirroring, with other words — is a good way to confirm that you have gotten their point.
Then, you can even politely agree to disagree (if you still feel like it).
Sincerity
There is no better way to destroy a relationship than using theatrics and manipulation in conflicts. If you intend to maintain the relationship, avoid them.
Always lay your cards on the table openly, honestly, and without excessive emotion.
If you’re hurt, state clearly but calmly what and why hurt you. You can make yourself perfectly understandable without drama.
If you see that your partner is hurt but hesitant to open up, encourage them by saying that you care and would like to know what’s bothering them.
Avoidance
Some people might try to avoid directly confronting the issue at hand. They might try to postpone talking about it perpetually or just sidestep and swallow it.
Not addressing an evident conflict, however, is dangerous and will lead to an explosive build-up of tensions and resentment.
Occasional withdrawal can be used as a viable conflict resolution strategy — as long as it remains occasional. But the general aim should be to talk things straight in a calm and open dialogue.
Otherwise, there will be no resolutions — and with no resolutions, there can’t be progress in your relationship either.
In most relationships, conflicts can’t be entirely avoided — at least not without suppressing emotions. And they don’t have to be. Furthermore — they shouldn’t be.
A well-resolved conflict can provide the participants not only ease of mind but tremendous growth.
But the participants must know the difference between constructive and destructive tactics of arguing.
Doing it peacefully and constructively is actually quite simple. Assumed that one isn’t dealing with somebody like a narcissist or a borderliner (in those cases you just can’t), and assumed that both sides are relatively mature and solution-oriented, it doesn’t take much more than following the above-mentioned guidelines.
Those principles probably won’t overcome serious compatibility issues, but if you have something to build from, they’re likely to produce a significant positive change in the way tensions are handled in your relationship.
Following them has kept the arguments in my relationship at bay for more than a year now. And there have been no emotional scars whatsoever.
That’s why I dare to recommend them to everyone who is looking for peace and stability.
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Previously published on medium
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Photo credit: by Matt Ragland on Unsplash