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Twenty years of being in the Air Force and growing up with seven brothers can make you a tough and resilient person, but everyone has a breaking point of where they may feel victimized. After 18 months of retaliation for reporting my former agency for nepotism, prohibited personnel practices, and retaliation for filing an Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) disability discrimination case, I was utterly exhausted. Victimhood is not pretty!
When you are about to lose most of your possessions and your home because your pay is being cut off as retaliation for filing EEOC discrimination charges, your mind can go to the worst corners of despair. Stalking, home invasions, personal phone tampering and more can and does occur. I still try to figure out why it took six attempts before I could be heard on the phone by a loved one and by another worker who also spoke up about racial discrimination. That issue went away upon settling with my former agency. Hmmmm….
When people found out that I was successful and settled two days before the Formal Hearing with an EEOC Administrative Judge, they wanted my help. My ammunition was documenting and knowing the right way to hold my bullies through email trails. That was my victory and refusing to sign a gag-order to remain silent about my story, so I could help other people who are dealing with workplace bullying or discrimination.
I often heard, “they can’t break me” from clients who reached out to me. Sincerely—nearly every one of my clients has shed tears on the phone with me—including the men. Everyone has an interpretation of their experience—it’s the meaning or perception you give the matter that influences your behavior and actions.
When I was offered a shower on the third day of being admitted to the mental health ward, I came upon a metal mirror. I had a Hate-Fest with the image staring back at me. Why did you let yourself become so weak, miserable, and why in the hell are you in a mental health ward? I was furious at myself for feeling like a victim during this time. I had become my own worst bully in my life. We can all have moments of feeling out of control.
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Upon getting my act together and working on my personal growth, I share the following three tips to encourage you.
First, I was working many hours doing my research on how to hold my bullies accountable for all the infractions that were committed against me. However, I maintain the same concept that I had in the Air Force—don’t stop till you get it done right. Where I failed was having balance in my life. It’s crazy to work long hours at your job and then hold your bullies accountable. You have to put your sword down, even if it’s your ink pen, and get plenty of rest.
Second, it’s essential to have a team supporting you. No matter how strong you think you are, there may be a lot of people ganging up on you in the workplace. Many people were angry at me for reporting them for their unlawful behavior. It can be helpful to have the support of an employment attorney, spiritual or religious mentors, positive friends and family by your side. I brought in an employment attorney to be my voice after writing up most of my disability and retaliation documentation. In hindsight, I handled most of my retaliation by myself, which is not always a good thing. We may all need support to get through ugly experiences. It takes courage to ask for help.
Third, work plays a significant factor in most people’s lives. When you are discriminated or retaliated against in your workplace, it may be time to take appropriate action against those who are not abiding by the EEOC’s guidelines on discrimination and retaliation. Consider the time and energy it takes to stand up for yourself. Is it time to move on to a better job or become an entrepreneur?
I remember getting up to get some refreshments at my attorney’s office. I offered them to the bullies who were about to get deposed by my legal representative. The fear in their faces could have put a smile on my face, but I saw victims behind their fear. Struggling, I knew I felt a little sorry for them.
I am human and imperfect—it felt kinda nice to see that my bullies were fearful of what they had coming to them. Those bullies had caused me so much loss and pain during that time era.
In the end, I held them accountable through the EEOC process. You can still be civil, respectful and hold bullies responsible for their behavior.
For all my posts for more guidance on workplace bullying.
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