How to Avoid Losing Yourself in Dating as Someone with an Anxious Attachment

I once liked a guy who was crazy about Rock and Roll. Not only he listened to it, but he was also obsessed with talking about it. He wouldn’t wear anything else other than black t-shirts with some “rock” words on them.

The thing is, I hate it. I never liked Rock and Roll and still don’t.

But I was too young to understand self-love. I mean, fuck it. What matters is how to get and keep a guy, right?

Well, that one mindset has successfully put me into hell.

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How it feels to be in a dating pool with an anxious attachment style

Dating was hard back then, and now it’s even harder. But if you’re someone with anxious attachment, there are more hiccups along the way you need to face.

It took me a while to realize that my anxious attachment was the main reason my dating experiences were very much complicated and full of drama.

Remember the Rock and Roll guy? I ended up staying with him because I was so worried I wouldn’t find someone better.

I had such low self-worth that I didn’t even think I deserved him.

So I had to keep making him interested in me. I put up with low efforts from his end because I was grateful enough that he wanted to be my boyfriend.

That’s stupid. You can’t be any lower than that.

But I also noticed this is common for someone with anxious attachment.

They mostly feel:

Unworthy of love but have the urge to keep giving it to others
Like it’s hard to say “no” or speak up on the things they feel most uncomfortable with
It’s needed to always please other people so they’ll stay
Very much dependent and always need validations
Clingy and need more attention

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Overall, someone with this attachment finds it hard to be themselves, when they’re in a relationship.

Even when they’re still in a dating pool, they have a habit of adjusting to what their potential partner likes rather than trying to find a balance.

Compromising too much is no longer new. That’s why you see many people with this attachment end up in an unhealthy relationship — compared to more secure ones.

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How to not lose yourself in dating when you’re someone with an anxious attachment

The most common advice you’ll hear out there is to go to therapy. While it helps a lot (it’s what I did, too), it’s not always guaranteed.

Aside from that, therapy can also be very costly. And not everyone has the budget for it.

Before I went for one, there was a lot of work beforehand that I did on my own. At the time, my main and only goal was to find someone with whom I could be myself 100%.

In sum, I didn’t have to try too hard to please him and beat myself up for it. I started by cutting off early those I knew would only waste my time.

I started saying “no” to some potential partners when I figured they didn’t have the same values or too much incompatibility with me. I stopped romanticizing bad behaviors and accepted them as they were.

One of the hardest parts about being an anxious person in dating is how hard it is to actually set some boundaries.

There are some reasons behind it; a need for validation, scared of being alone, afraid of hurting someone’s feelings, etc.

I’ve felt them all. And the longer you don’t realize how unhealthy those feelings are, the harder it is for you to be in a healthy relationship.

Another thing to think about is your reason for wanting to be with someone.

Let’s say you just met a guy you truly like. As an anxious person, you probably want to jump right away and have an official relationship with him.

Instead of doing that, you need to give yourself more time and ask yourself some uncomfortable questions:

Do I want to be with this person, or am I just lonely?
Do I actually want to be with this person, or am I just scared I won’t find someone who’s a better fit?
Can I see myself growing with this person, or is this just a casual date?
Will I be OK if I don’t end up with this person?

All of those questions might seem too straightforward. However, if you give an honest answer, you’ll be surprised by the clarity you get.

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One thing you need to avoid at all costs…

Many anxious people say how they always end up meeting avoidants, especially on dating apps. It’s a trap that’s hard to break.

That’s why it’s a lot easier to avoid it in the first place.

How do you do it? By becoming more aware of your core needs in a partner.

This means, whenever you find someone you think won’t be compatible in building a healthy relationship, you walk away.

Even if that person gives you the strongest chemistry or those high feelings. Compatibility matters a lot, and the honeymoon period expires sooner than you think.

Once you prioritize that, you no longer cling to that person who’s emotionally unavailable, yet gives you butterflies whenever he/she comes back.

You start being more practical. You make decisions not only based on how you feel but also on how you think of it in the long term.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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