As I was complaining to my friend and colleague about the hardship of being around my family while visiting she said it loud and clear – “Sometimes being around family can be a direct dial to the Rabbit Hole”. Growing up, and years later now, being around the people I hold closest to my heart often feels like being caught in the crossfire. As we all pretend this war isn’t that big of a deal after all, I’ve seen it all too often when two people aim straight at each other’s hearts.
No fairy is going to wave her wand over your heads and say – “You, two can be happy now!”
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Most of us didn’t grow up with Hollywood love- story- happy-ending scenarios but instead had to deal with “huge elephants” in the room, divorce, mistrust, having to take sides, being caught in love triangles, growing up with emotionally unavailable parents … just to name a few. Young, yet we are fast to learn how to navigate and ride the waves with the grownups. For many the old conditioning still weighs on their consciousness and possibly messing up their own love life today. So, yes sometimes you just have to say – “No” to a ticket to that same ol’ Rabbit Hole.
Well, maybe not so surprising in my family, things have been this way for years. I tried to listen, understand, and offer a new perspective. I tried uplifting, inspiring to be better to each other and more understanding. But recently I realized that not much is shifting and this relationship keeps in circular motion no matter how much I try to “positify” it because the reality is they both have been concerned with their own needs, holding on to their own egos craze about wanting to be right and waiting for the other to become a better person. This, I write with a sense of freedom to accept that just like you, they hold the power to change things for the better.
Here is what I’ve learned from watching my parents struggle in their marriage.
1. Relationships aren’t given to you by Gods, they aren’t sent to you from above, you aren’t born destined to be blessed with love and it won’t be delivered to you at your door’s steps with a huge bow on the top.
A relationship is as simple as relating to one another. And the concept isn’t heavenly or out of anyone’s reach. Relationships are built and co-created. It simply manifests in the smallest ways you show up and treat each other. So, when it’s working it’s yours to celebrate and indulge in your togetherness and when it’s not it’s yours to take full responsibility for it. Yes, you are just like your partner, one hundred percent responsible for what’s been going on. So, pushing thirty or eighty percent onto their shoulders isn’t going to get you far but keep you running that same old blame track. And if by chance your excuse is that you are together for the kids, you are too old to divorce or divorce is too expansive, choose to grow. Be a better human not just playing the old neglected wife or misunderstood overworked husband roles. No fairy is going to wave her wand over your heads and say – “You, two can be happy now!” And maybe she could but I am afraid you’ll be waiting in line for too long before she gets to you. Which brings me to lesson two.
2. Trying to fix what’s not working with honesty, kindness, and curiosity is the way to break free from the patterns of harshness and resentment towards each other.
This takes patience but not nearly as much nerve as waiting for your partner to change. It ends the war within which in return might just surprise and reward you with openness towards your partner. The chances are, you partner is holding on to the exact same feelings towards you. So, yes screaming your opinion or waiting for them to change their ways might take years of disconnection. In case that forecast doesn’t sound enticing, ask questions, be curious, look at your problems no longer as walls that separate you but as art pieces hanging on the wall in front of both of you at your own show case exhibited in the museum of your life together. What’s painted on that canvas? Can you really see what’s been going on by looking at it without trying to deconstruct each other but seeing both of you in this struggle? Is it worth to blame and continue disconnecting or is it time to be done with grudges and create space to reconnect?
Just like you have a choice of living in the world between believing it’s on your side, against you or indifferent to you, you have a choice to show up and perceive your partner through a different lens. And sometimes it’s easier to find ways to hear each other and even let go of a relationship that isn’t working than to build one on resentment, blame, and disconnection that doesn’t serve anyone.
It takes two to play this game and you choose whether it’s a war game or the kind of game where everybody wins: your own formula for intimacy and connection.
In the name of turning my family’s struggles into inspiration: let love bring us closer and not apart.
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Photo: iStockphoto
Clearly delivered insight!
Great article! I needed to read this now and reread it tomorrow.
So good!!