Trust is the ultimate act of courage.
It creates strong, functional, and secure bonds.
But it is also the ultimate source of disappointments, troubles, and heartbreaks.
Betrayal is the evilest deed ever.
It is the root of all evil.
It is what you find in the deepest pit at the deepest point in hell.
That makes trust a sensitive topic. A painful one.
Romantic relationships, friendships, and businesses are built on trust.
Without it, we cannot have any of that. In fact, we can have ugly versions of the most important areas in our lives.
I will explain that in seconds.
Trust is a big topic. It has its social and economic side.
But in this article, I want to talk about it in terms of relationships. Romantic relationships and, to some extent, friendships.
Let us start by answering the question…
Why should you trust anyone anyways?
Well, you probably should not!
Why should you?
The cost is too high, isn’t it?
The pain of being betrayed is devilishly hurtful. And the practical things you lose when someone betrays you are not insignificant as well. You might lose time, money, …etc.
Those are all valid arguments for why you should not trust anyone. It is too risky.
But are those the most valid arguments?
What about the cost of not trusting anyone? What would the world look like if we walked around not trusting each other?
Well, the cost is too high, and I will explain in seconds.
The cost is probably higher than trusting. The impacts it will have on your character are worse than courageously trusting trustworthy people.
The complexity of human relationships
When it comes to relationships, not all relationships are created equally.
You are not close to everybody. And you should not. Actually, you cannot.
You have many social circles.
People in outer circles are not close to you. So, you probably would not trust them with your money, for example.
People in the inner circles are close to you. And those are the people you should be able to trust. Getting someone to this circle is complicated, but I will try to touch on it.
The levels of trust between the different circles differ.
But, there is a level of trust that has to exist.
And then some total strangers would not even be in one of your circles. They are people you see on the street, for example.
Still, some level of trust has to be established between you and them.
Why?
Because you want to walk down the road knowing that the stranger next to you will not jump on you and stab you in the fucking head.
Photo by Sander Sammy on Unsplash
And the stranger walking next to you, to whom you are a stranger, wants to make sure you will not jump on his head and stab him.
Imagine this level of trust was not here.
You will walk down the road with your knives, staring suspiciously at people.
And maybe you will attack anyone who suddenly moves, or get attacked by someone who considers you a threat.
That is a chaotic world.
Walking down the road will be a dangerous adventure.
(We know that, without trust, we will dissolve and deteriorate as societies and individuals. Take the same concept and apply it to close relationships).
Trust makes everything easier. It makes processing each other an easier task, therefore saving energy to do other important things — like walking down the road to get our groceries or going to work.
It does not mean some psychopaths out there do not jump on people and stab them in the fucking head.
It does not mean all people are not threatening. Enter the wrong neighborhood, and you will understand this.
It is a naivety to give your wallet to strangers and trust they will not steal it.
But the main idea is that such situations do not happen as often, otherwise we would not have a functional society where you are reading this in the comfort of your own home or wherever you are now.
Let us take this concept and apply it to personal, close relationships.
I trust you because I want to bring the best in you forward
First, let us start with the last point we mentioned in the above argument.
Naivety.
To explain this, let us talk about taking risks in general.
There are two types of people who take risks: brave people, and naive people.
Brave people take risks out of courage.
They are aware of what can go wrong and the consequences of their risks. Yet, they go for it, and this is courage.
Naive people, on the other hand, also take risks. But they take them for the wrong reasons. They are not aware of the consequences. This is the only reason they can get up and take the risk.
Now, you do not want to trust people naively.
You want to trust people because you are courageous. You are aware of the consequences of betrayal. But you do it anyway.
Sure, you select who to trust. Those are the people who have earned your trust. And I am not talking about random strangers.
I will trust the bank with a saving account more than I would trust a random guy on the road who promises to save my money.
The second part has something to do with the point of having society functional as we discussed.
You want to bring out the best in the people you care about. And to bring that best, you have to trust them.
Without trusting them, you cannot communicate with the best of them.
But here is the thing.
To trust them, you have to bring out the best in you.
The best in you will have to believe in the best of them.
Is there any guarantee that the best in them will respond back positively to the best in you?
No.
And that is where courage comes to play.
It is a risk
If I do not trust you, I will never see the best in you.
And if I trust you, I will have a chance to see the best in you and bring it to existence.
Think of when you work under constant supervision as if the company does not trust that you are competent. And compare it to working in a place where you are trusted to get the job done.
Also, think of a partner who snoops over your phone and treats you like their property. Compare it to a partner who trusts you and respects your privacy.
You are your best self when you are trusted. Give the people you care about this gift.
The cost of losing someone’s trust that you could have had if you had treated them better is more than the cost of losing the same trust to betrayal.
By not leaning into courage, you will weaken your character, not protect yourself.
And by not bringing out the best in someone, you will not bring out the best in yourself.
Add to that the costs of not being able to trust anyone. You will be like the creepy guy with knives, looking suspiciously at people, and about to jump and stab someone in the fucking head.
People will avoid you. And you will miss opportunities. Sadly, the greatest opportunity you will miss is the human connection, rendering you lonely for the rest of your life.
I never wish that for you. And you deserve better. You deserve courage. Lean into it.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Dave Lowe on Unsplash