How to Bulletproof Your Heart: The Secrets to Being Rejection Proof!

Rejection is a fact of life; nowhere is it more prevalent than in the dating and relationship world.

We’ve all experienced it at one point—the excitement followed by the crushing disappointment of being rejected, ghosted, or flat-out blocked. Ever heard any of these before?

“No compatibility”
“I’m not looking for a relationship right now.”
“I don’t think we’re a good match.”
“I just don’t feel that spark/connection between us.”
“I’m sorry, but I’m not interested in pursuing anything further.”
“I think we should just be friends.”
“I’m still not over my ex.”
“I don’t think I’m ready to date right now.”
“I’m seeing someone else/I’ve met someone else.”
“I don’t think we have enough in common.”
“I don’t see a future with us together.”
We’re just out with friends; thanks for saying hi, though.”
“Fuck off”
“Go away”
“I’m flattered but I’m not interested.”
“No” (Before I even uttered a sentence)
“I’m married.”
“Eeww no”
**laughter**
“No way”
“As if”
“Maybe”
“I don’t know, let me think about it.”

It’s a tough pill to swallow, but rejection doesn’t have to be a negative experience. In fact, we can learn many valuable lessons from rejection that can help us in our dating lives and beyond. I encourage you to welcome rejection with a warm, sweaty hug and learn in this article how rejection isn’t just a tool you utilize, but it’s a refiners fire to build an incredibly strong mindset and deep resilience slowly.

When I was around 18 years old, I created a rejection experiment where I intentionally sought out rejection in various forms to conquer my fear of rejection. It was my first year of college, and there were so many gorgeous girls around me, but I kinda shit my pants when it came to summoning up the courage to speak to any of them. So I became a rejection conquistador, braving the treacherous waters of the college dating world with nothing but my wits and a pair of clean underwear.

Through this process, I discovered some universal truths about rejection that can be applied to all aspects of life, including dating and relationships. At first, it was like trying to win a staring contest with a brick wall, but with the added bonus of potential romantic humiliation. But after six months, I felt like I could chat with any girl.

Lesson 1: It’s not personal

You’ve probably heard this before, but it’s very true.

My partner was recently at a party held by her best friend. It was in one of those massive local convention centers. But the restroom was connected to another building.

Weird.

Anyway, as she started to head towards the restroom, there were three guys seemly doing nothing but “vaping up” and sitting on a park bench. On her back, she walked by them, and one of them got up :

Vape Guy: Hey, you’re one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen. Could I get your number?

My Partner: Sorry, I have a boyfriend; thank you.

We joked about it that night cause even if she was single; she wouldn’t be into it.

Why?

Guy didn’t read the room.

She made no eye contact or gave him any body language that would indicate interest.
He approached her while she was alone, and he was with 3 of his friends — quite intimidating for some women.
He and his friends were seemingly doing nothing. People naturally don’t trust loiterers.
He didn’t peep her engagement ring.

C’mon, man?

None of these things are personal.

Just like how someone may reject a particular flavor of ice cream because it’s not to their liking, a person may reject someone for a variety of reasons that have nothing to do with the person being rejected. No matter how often you are rejected, you must remember that rejection is not a reflection of one’s worth or value.

The vibes or circumstances just were not there.

According to a study published in the journal Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, rejection activates the same regions of the brain as physical pain. The study found that the anterior cingulate cortex, which is associated with physical pain, is also activated when a person experiences rejection.

Woah!

A survey conducted by the dating app Hinge found that the most common reason for rejection in online dating is a lack of connection or chemistry between the two people, followed by incompatible lifestyles and interests. These are good things. If you were compatible with almost everyone or had a connection with everyone, that would be worrying to say the least.

“Remember that failure is an event, not a person.” — Zig Ziglar

Rejection is simply an event or outcome and does not define your worth or identity as a person.

It happened, whatever.

You live to fight another day.

Because rejection is often a result of factors outside of one’s control, such as timing, compatibility, or personal preferences, and should never be taken as a reflection of one’s value or worth as an individual. Instead, you must choose daily to see rejection as an opportunity for growth and learning and to move forward with a positive mindset and self-confidence. A moment to sharpen your dating skills more and get excited as to who’s going to be far more receptive to them!

Lesson 2: rejection is not always final.

Sometimes, a rejection can be turned into an opportunity by asking for clarification or negotiating a compromise. For example, if someone rejects a date invitation, it’s possible to ask why and then suggest a different activity or time that may be more suitable. The key is to approach the rejection with an open mind and a willingness to find a solution. But please don’t bug people. If they say “no,” and you politely ask why, just remember they’re not obligated to give you an answer. Above all else, leave the interaction on a good note, with both people feeling respected.

Rejection is kinda like a traffic light; it can either stop you in your tracks or give you a chance to find a better route. It should never be seen as a widely negative thing. You just need a different way to get there.

You must remember it’s only building that resilient muscle fiber found within that lovely noggin of yours if you can adapt to moderate stress and adversity and bounce back from what might seem like negative experiences. You’ll find yourself mentally invincible.

When someone faces rejection, it can either break their spirit and cause them to give up or prompt them to develop that authoritarian resilience and find new ways to pursue their goals. According to the resilience theory, the ability to cope with adversity is not a fixed trait but rather a dynamic process that can be developed and strengthened over time.

People with high levels of resilience are more likely to view setbacks as challenges to be overcome rather than insurmountable obstacles. They are also better able to regulate their emotions and maintain a positive outlook in the face of adversity.

This can be you!

You can start the process today. No one is born with this, but many have forged the fires to magnify it.

Lesson 3: Rejection is a gift

It builds rejection immunity, making it easier to handle future rejections. Rejection can also serve as motivation to prove the rejector wrong, leading to personal growth and improvement.

Someone might have rejected you a couple of years ago — but now look where you are. You became more than they judged. You expanded upon your already great character!

These lessons can be applied to dating and relationships in many ways. For example, it’s common to feel rejected after a breakup or rejection from a crush or someone you thought you hit it off with, only to say they’re not interested. But it really is a gift and has nothing to do with the rejected person’s value or worth. You gotta look at it with a different lens and approach the situation with an open mind.

Rejection can also provide clues for improvement. If you consistently experience rejection in your dating life, it may be worth examining your approach and seeing if there are any areas for improvement. It’s possible that the rejection is not personal, but rather a result of ineffective communication or behavior. Sorry man, I hate to be the messenger.

If it makes you feel any better, I used to get rejected a lot cause I rambled and never got to the point. Much like this article, ha!

If you want to get the person of your dreams, you must warmly embrace rejection as part of the human experience. Everyone experiences it at some point, and it’s not something to be ashamed of or feared. By embracing rejection and learning from it, we can become more resilient and better equipped to handle future rejections.

Lesson 4: Fall in love with YOU

Sometimes rejection is projection, a projection of someone’s own fears and insecurities onto another person.

I believe that adequately handling rejection is a crucial component of ending the rising anxiety, depression, and suicide rates in the world.

In fact, one study from the Oxford handbook of social exclusion stated that rejection is both a cause and a consequence of depression. Think about it.

Those are situations that cause people to dislike themselves, give up, and gain a ton of weight from emotional eating and binge-watching Netflix.

But I’ve learned over the years to leverage our moments of rejection to produce confidence and success. I was able to see the beauty of my own difference.

I’m kind of a dork
I text back quickly as soon as I see the first message.
I laugh horrendously
I’m very verbose
Over opinionated
I’m a good dude (For the most part)
I express how I feel and don’t try and play it cool.
I’m a goofball
I’m eager if I like someone.
And I don’t put on airs and graces.

The very thing that made women reject me before had now become a crucial component of my success in dating. And it has made me effective at helping others to embrace the very nature of who they are too. Sure, I wasn’t getting the women I thought I wanted, but I was getting the women that embraced who I was from the jump and who liked me for me. It changed my whole life and opened the door to opportunities in the dating world I never thought I’d have. I learned to see rejection as a projection and figured out how to use it for my good.

Conclusion:

Please never ever take rejection as a reflection of our self-worth. If somebody rejects you or your choices, you are still that brilliant person deep inside, and you are still worth every bit as much as you would be if you had not been rejected in the first place. If you are rejected, never ever try and negotiate a better outcome. It will NOT go in your favor because the person who chose to reject you made their mind up a long time ago.

Like I said, being rejected is part of the process, sure. But never forfeit your self-esteem to another’s disapproval or rejection of who you are or what you stand for. You must always hold on to recognize the power of building up your self-esteem consistently. If you allow rejection to rob the best of who you’ve spent so long on becoming, all you’re passively doing is giving power to the worst of what’s been said about you.

You’re not for everyone. There are a lot of people that might not pick up what you’re putting down. That’s okay.

But in order to meet a person that sticks, you must be rejected…

…

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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