It’s the end of pride month and I still have questions. I hope you don’t mind me asking you one…
When did you come out straight?
Who did you tell first? Were you nervous (or trying to convince yourself you really liked your same-gendered classmates)?
Omg, did your parents, like, totally freak out when you said “Mom, I think I’m ssssstraight.” Did you feel guilty knowing *think* was not part of your truth?
Were you sure you really were interested in the opposite gender or was it just a phase? I mean straight at 9, 11, 15, 19? How can you be sure at that age? Did you ever fall in love at 10 or 12? No, how could you? Kids don’t know their hearts at 10 or 12, right?
Omg, did your parents, like, totally freak out when you said “Mom, I think I’m straight.”
When you decided you were straight did you worry…Maybe you’d grow to feel gay. Did you pray to be gay? Did you ever consider straight was really just your way of experimenting?
You probably turned straight because your best friend was straight too, right? Maybe you saw a rare straight character on TV. Did you watch Little House on the Prairie and suddenly it clicked? I see what Laura sees…Manly is, well, so manly. I must be straight.
Or maybe you saw that one couple in town and went, I’m going to do that. I want to be like them because it looks cool and unique to be straight. Gay is so predictable. So 90s. Did you choose to be straight because it’s edgy?
Did you plan how to do it? How to come out straight to your coworkers? Was it on your mind for months? What if you went to a holiday party…did you dare ask your date to show up and represent the entire straight community with you?
What about job interviews? Did you dress really gay…you wouldn’t want to come off too straight and have them think twice about “cultural fit.” You didn’t mention where you volunteer: the straight-straight alliance. Then they’d know for sure.
What about job interviews? Did you dress really gay…you wouldn’t want to come off too straight and have them think twice about “cultural fit.”
I know it’s personal but we work together; I have a right to know, right? I mean you know I’m gay…you know not because I told you or casually worked it into the conversation but because I mean, we’re all gay. So obvi, right?
Did you ever feel you had to hide as a straight cis-gendered human? How many times did you get severe depression knowing you were straight, especially since society just isn’t on board with that? Was it too much? I know my cousin wanted to kill herself for being straight.
You’re like, so brave! I’m not sure I could handle it.
Why or when did you choose to be straight? Wait, I mean, no offense. When did you choose your “straight lifestyle” and say, screw it? Did you march in the straight parade during Straight month, yelling, “I’m bettero; I’m hetero. Get used to it!”
No? Huh.
So that wasn’t your experience with being straight?
You just were. You just are.
Because “being” is not a choice, is it?
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If you have always been straight, who you were was never a question. You knew who you were. You never had to justify your right to love or date or marry who you want. No declaration had to be made; no explanations required.
If you’re CIS-gendered and straight…you didn’t choose to be that way. You just were and are straight. You likely always knew it. It didn’t cause you existential dread.
You had plenty of straight role models. You saw yourself represented everywhere. You were never afraid of telling anyone. You never felt shame or doubted yourself when you fell in love. You didn’t have to debate when and how to come out “officially” or declare your sexuality or gender to anyone. There was no pivotal moment in your path to straight. You didn’t need to lookup resources or brace yourself for rejection.
If you’re CIS-gendered and straight…you didn’t choose to be that way. You just were and are straight. You likely always knew it. It didn’t cause you existential dread.
Hopefully, now you’re continuing to learn who you are, becoming more YOU every day. Did you always know what you wanted? Maybe you ignored that inner voice occasionally. Had a crush on the wrong person (not because of gender binary but because they were an a$$hole).
Or maybe you don’t yet know fully about yourself…but you’re exploring and learning who you want to be or become someday? We learn about ourselves every day, as kids and even now as grown-ups. Growth mindsets are great.
It doesn’t actually matter how well you know yourself or if you’re just now getting to know yourself. No one can do that for you.
Be true to yourself, or deny it. That is the choice you to make, one we can all make. Often that choice, to live fully as yourself, is a much easier choice for straight people.
If you’re straight, stop assuming straight is the default. You can choose to do better. There is no default human, period.
Straight people: We know who we want to be around, be with, and get butterflies over, right? Guess what…So do your friends and colleagues, clients and teachers.
So do your kids. Don’t make your kids hide from you, or themselves. They know who they are…but sometimes society makes them hide it. Hiding parts of who we are, even from ourselves, can be detrimental. Parents, be ready.
“Having these gender issues happening to my child, who is my life, has really made a lightbulb go off — the whole binary gender system that I grew up under just doesn’t really make sense,” he said. “Fluidity between male and female makes sense. I’ve seen and felt these things throughout my life, and I think we all do, but there haven’t been words for it before. Going through this with my family really drives it home.” — Coming Out As Gay In Elementary School, Buzzfeed News
If you’re straight, stop assuming straight is the default. You can choose to do better. There is no default human, period. The founding fathers tried to make cis white men the default so much so it was in our constitution.
It’s time we all go with the flow and learn the true default: gender fluidity.
Gender isn’t binary but it sure is patriarchal. It’s time we all go with the flow and learn the true default: gender fluidity. It’s time to end White Supremacy and ban the binary. Start now undoing your bias towards heteronormativity.
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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Photo credit: Image by author; made in Canva; “Who are you?” name tag with glitter rainbow
