How to Communicate Boundaries to a Dismissive Avoidant Partner

Have you been in a dispute that became so overwhelming you gave up and walked away?

Are you in a dynamic with your partner, and you can’t get on the same page about moving forward and finding a middle ground?

Do you want to challenge your partner to improve and receive a positive response?

I know it can feel like you’re talking to a brick wall when you’re working with an avoidant to create a new pathway to communication and connection, but what if I told you it wasn’t as complicated as you’re making it?

I am not saying it is your fault, but there is a way to spin your approach so you can generate the outcome you want with your partner.

Everything starts with reframing your mindset and restructuring your method to create an environment for the mutual respect you’re looking for.

I’m not delusional. It takes both partners working together for this outcome to be possible in the first place.

It also takes inner work so you feel confident in your ability to set a boundary, enforce it with your partner, and create a structure for them to have a healthy response to your approach.

Let’s get into it.

Set the standard

It might sound like a statement when your response might be as simple as “duh,” but how can you enforce a boundary when you haven’t set it yet?

The trick is that you haven’t set it for yourself to follow.

There are two parts to boundary setting that most people don’t enforce.

When we set boundaries, be unforgiving about the consequences of violations.

When I speak to clients, I hear that “they have a boundary,” but there is no consequence for someone violating the pact. If I set a boundary around my expectations around communication, what happens when my partner fails?

It is not about controlling your partner but expressing a need and setting a standard for what proceeds if your partner does not comply. If you allow someone to offend you constantly, how strong is your boundary?

Second, we have to identify our needs. Again, it sounds obvious, but are you speaking about a need that you developed through inner work and personal development, or are you so hyper-focused on what your partner is doing wrong that it turned into a new need?

There is a difference between those two actions.

What you need from a personal perspective to make you feel safe and comfortable and what you need due to misalignment with your partner are not the same. Those are two different boundaries to enforce.

Break the wall

When working with a partner who has constantly violated our boundaries, frustration builds.

After the frustration builds, we don’t use the proper avenue to communicate with our partner. It’s nearly impossible.

When we approach someone with accusatory finger-pointing, we won’t get the proper response, especially from an avoidant.

Avoidants are highly susceptible to feeling blame and the weight and pressure of a partner approaching them with issues.

It does not mean that you’re in the wrong. It doesn’t mean we are absolving our partner of their wrongdoing.

It does mean that you have to reframe and change your approach.

When your partner is not a good communicator and isn’t receptive to you sharing feelings, what do you think is the better approach?

“You never listen to anything I have to say. When I try to share with you, all you do is shut me out. If you don’t listen to me, then I’ll stop talking to you.”

“We need a healthy and safe space to have open discussions. I need to feel a connection through communication with you, and I don’t want to sweep those moments under the rug. I feel alone.”

These are the same points but restructured and shared from a perspective of unity and explaining our need that is a result of working together.

A healthy restructuring follows a simple template.

Mutually beneficial outcome > central issue > need of yours it cures.

Return the kick

The most frustrating part of dealing with an avoidant is when it becomes a recurring problem.

We feel like we should be able to communicate something once and enforce the idea with our partner, and they should fly with it and have no problems correcting their behavior.

That is not how it works with the avoidant. Reinforce the boundaries and needs without being overbearing and pushing the idea at them.

It is not all about negative reinforcement. Use positive reinforcement when you see progress and development in your partner. They cannot constantly hear about their failures, or they will become dejected.

When you have to use negative reinforcement, return to how your need is not being met and create a consequence AND FOLLOW IT.

For example, it looks like removing yourself from a tense situation, but when you return, start at the point of contention when the conversation fell apart. If the conversation falls apart again, repeat the cycle until the conflict is resolved.

I know there is a constant loop of frustration and a feeling of underappreciation you might feel in this dynamic, but this structure is a great base to get you started and moving in the right direction.

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Do you want to huddle for a 1:1 session to work through your dynamic? If you’d like a free 15-minute information and onboarding call about my coaching offering click here. You can also reach out to me on Instagram. here. or email me at [email protected] for details.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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