How To Connect to Feelings and Regulate Fear as a Dismissive Avoidant

In our romantic relationships, we can often find a disconnect in our communication or the action of emotional needs with our partners.

It can be difficult to identify why you have difficulty being on the same page, but this is because we all give and receive love differently.

We express our emotions through our fears, but if reframed can be expressed through a healthy understanding of our behaviors.

For example, you might seek “closeness” with your partner but not understand that this is due to a fear of abandonment.

Our expression of giving and receiving love is due to many factors but in this case, how we display and receive love via our attachment style.

If you are dating or are a dismissive-avoidant, it is essential to understand your expression and display of romantic feelings.

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The Scale

There aren’t many fears that arise in the dating phase of a relationship as you are getting to know someone because there is no pressure around commitment.

Issues arise during the commitment phase when past experiences surface and an imbalance develops.

Think of this imbalance as an equation that uses needs and fears to create a final result.
Your needs-attraction, companionship, trust, respect, affection, etc.
Your fears as a dismissive-avoidant- vulnerability, lack of independence, high expectations, helplessness.

All attachment styles can think of how someone meets your needs on a 1–10 scale. For example, someone is doing great in that category and is a 9. Now let’s say you have untreated fears, and those show up as a 7. If you subtract your fear level from your needs, you will have an overall subconscious feeling of a 2 about the relationship.

It happens unknowingly, but this is how you are very interested in someone and also have doubts that override that sensation. In the end, this causes you to back away and seek space and independence.

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Identifying your fears

We can readily identify external fears, such as items or events we are terrified of when thinking on.

Identifying internal fears can be difficult as it requires a deep dive. In relationships, this forms not only from our view of love but our experience in the dating market.

For the dismissive-avoidant, a fear of feeling trapped takes away from the comfort of independence.
There is also fear around being vulnerable and feeling weak.
Combine that with a need for clear communication and a lack of volatility.
Using the combination above, it can become a contradictory web. Think about needing someone to be communicative and open, but you have difficulty opening yourself.

We all have fears that override our desires. Someone could love the idea of traveling but get extreme anxiety at the thought of flying.

You are subconsciously experiencing this if you are a dismissive-avoidant partner. Your fears then cause you to distance yourself by looking for flaws in your partner and amplifying them while adding unnecessary meaning.

For the dismissive-avoidant, there is a list of emotions, triggers, and relationship requirements that you must reframe to grow within your relationships.

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The dismissive-avoidant dating experience

There are subconscious alarms that go off in your head when you perceive something as a red flag.

The problem is things you perceive as red flags can be talking points with developmental communication.

In this relationship, you will see a pull into independence when harmony is lacking.
You will notice your partner is good at listening to you when you open up but has a hard time doing it.
Expectations can feel like attacks if you’re not discussing from a place of growth for “us.”
These “problems” can cause the dismissive-avoidant to future forecast and cut the problem before it can grow.

Whether you are the dismissive-avoidant or dating one, the message is to have a view and understanding of your fears and triggers and find the key to reframing them. These “red flags” do not need to end a relationship.

You can separate your needs from your fears, acknowledge that your needs are being satisfied, and express your concerns with your partner.

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Steps for a solution

Reframing your mindset will not happen overnight. It is not as dry and easy as identifying your fears, attacking them, and boom, it is all fixed.

Ok, a little dry, but you must identify your fears, triggers, and responses.
Express to your partner that these are your growth areas, and until cured, issues around these areas are more than surface-level issues within the relationship.
Identify keywords, actions, and phrases that set off your subconscious alarm. For example, “you always” sets off my criticism trigger.
Have open discussions on how reframing phrases/triggers can transition arguments into conversations.
Act it out. It may sound funny, but I had a text emoji to acknowledge the conversation was getting out of hand.

It takes practice.

It takes boundaries.

It takes patience and sometimes goofy ways to acknowledge your fears and triggers.

What does not work for people is the feeling that practice means weakness or imperfection. How can you get good at something without repetition?

Ironically, weakness and helplessness are fears of the dismissive-avoidant, making this process harder to approach.

Reframe your thinking into a desire for growth, and once you realize this is a development opportunity, you will find the strength to approach this issue.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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