We met at a local park for coffee and a walk. We laughed, we kissed, we had deep conversations, the stuff of first date fairy tales. Soon we were having dinners, cocktails, movie nights at each other’s houses (per-pandemic mind you), and things were going…well..just great(or so I thought.) We talked on the phone regularly, had inside jokes, a ton of things in common, basically all the makings of a good relationship starter pack.
The Disappearing Act
Then, one day, with no explanation “Poof”. He was gone. I had noticed a general decline in texts and invites for outings, but hadn’t thought much of it, then suddenly no calls, no texts, no invites not even a response. I got Moonwalked. He very awkwardly and without tact disappeared from my life. I was devastated. There I sat, alone in my living room, surrounded by the pictures and memories of our time together, wondering what in the world had gone wrong.
“Call him, you deserve closure!” my friend insisted, and the old me would have done just that. I would have called him, letting it ring incessantly. Then when he didn’t answer I would have sent him a seething text message about his insensitivity, all his faults, and how much of a jerk I thought he was.
But the truth is, yes, ending something by slowly moonwalking out of the situation is being a jerk, but you know what else is? Blow-torching my anger and need for “closure” all over his phone, his friends, or his Facebook.
Because here’s the thing, we don’t need the “closure.”
If they stopped calling, texting, wanting to see us…that’s the closure.
The Truth
That is ultimately our answer: that they do not want to be with us. That is the answer to the question of if the relationship is over. I know, it’s infuriating, and the mind begins going through a Rolodex of a million different possibilities: was it something you did, something you said, did they meet someone else, did they get back with that ex they kept talking about, did their grandmother die, did they get abducted by aliens? The possibilities are endless, and the truth is it could be any one of those things, or all of those things, or some combination of those things (although the alien thing is probably less likely.)
We think we have to know why, but we don’t.
Even if we do get ahold of them and corner them into giving us an answer, they may not tell us the truth, or they may not even know themselves. Why we suddenly lose interest in someone can be one of the great mysteries of the universe, so often it is something we can’t put our finger on. Or maybe they can, and it is truly shallow, irrelevant, and hurtful information that you are better off not knowing anyway. You don’t need to know they dumped you because they thought your voice was annoying, or that you smelled like their grandmother, or that you had too big of a gap in your teeth. Besides, all those things are completely subjective. Someone else may love your voice, your perfume, and even that cute little gap in your teeth.
So, instead of chasing them down for a potentially hurtful, or untrue answer, we can create our own closure. We can begin to accept that for whatever reason they are no longer interested, and accept that them no longer speaking to us, as the closure we seek.
But honestly, I like to even take it one step further and find the humor in it all. I mean a grown person who can’t even say they are no longer interested, and instead literally runs away, that’s a little funny. And also not a person you would want to spend the rest of your life or any more of your time with. And why not keep going with the humor, and make up funny reasons for why they might have disappeared, things like they got abducted by aliens, they had a weird foot fungus that took over their apartment, they got on the wrong bus and it took them to Iceland. It’s kind of a fun game and it can help take the seriousness and pressure out of the situation. I know initially, it may not be so funny, but with a little time and perspective, you will come to see the bullet you dodged and the humor in it all.
The Choice Is Yours
We do have a choice. I know when someone makes a unilateral decision about our relationship, it can feel like we have no control. Perhaps we don’t have control over the outcome, but we have complete control over our response, and therein lies our power.
So, yes, we could comb over every minutia of text messages, conversations, and dates to see what, if anything, we did wrong. We could analyze everything they said about an ex or the hot waitress (could he have slipped her his number when I went to the bathroom?!) We could call or text them incessantly or heaven forbid show up at their house or place of work to coerce them into an answer. We could do all of those things.
Or we could do none of those things. We could simply, move on. Cut our losses, take a week or two to mourn it, have a good laugh, then try again. Find someone new who is interested in us, appreciates that gap in our teeth, isn’t hung up on their ex, and is careful to avoid UFOs. But most importantly, someone who is far too mature to simply disappear from someone’s life without the courtesy of an explanation.
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This post was previously published on Modern Identities.
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