How to Decide Whether to Say the Things Left Unsaid

When a relationship ends before you were ready, or on someone else’s terms, one of the hardest things to reconcile is the list of things you never got to say.

Maybe you still have nagging questions about the other person’s feelings or perspective, or you want to try to clear up a misunderstanding, or you’ve crafted a dagger-shaped one-liner you’re dying to deliver before exiting triumphantly like a character in a movie.

Whatever they are, the things left unsaid between you and a former partner — or friend, or something in between the two — can become deafeningly loud inside your head, and they often start to take on a sort of mystical significance: “Maybe saying this is the key to feeling better and moving on.” You begin to equate putting it all out there (whether face to face or over email or text) with achieving closure.

You might be right. Unfortunately, you might be very, very wrong. So what to do?

Ultimately, it comes down to your goals and what you think you can realistically accomplish by reaching out to the other person and speaking up. This requires very honest introspection and recognition of your current feelings for them and any secret lingering hope of reconciliation.

If your desire is simply to have your voice heard and the response (or lack thereof) from the other person is irrelevant, then by all means, shout it from the rooftops, send it in all-caps, whatever you need to do. Saying the things left unsaid, in that case, should come as a relief, an unburdening.

However, if the other person’s reaction or response still holds very deep significance for you, you may want to consider whether saying the unspoken things will advance or set back your healing process. How would you feel if you’re met with total silence, or instead with brutal honesty that changes how you view your history with someone you cared so much about (or simply makes you feel like shit)?

I have personally experienced the disappointment of belatedly expressing my hurt and being met with insensitivity. It added on a new layer of pain and left me filled with regret that I had yet again been openly vulnerable with someone who had a history of avoidant behavior around feelings talk. If I had been honest with myself, I would have seen that that my supposed “last words” to that person were actually a Hail-Mary attempt to restart the conversation — and relationship — between us. I eventually got over it, but the closure certainly didn’t come from that final communication; in fact, the detour temporarily halted my progress.

A broken heart represents not only a devastating loss of love, but also a blow to our pride. Something meaningful to us was taken away against our will, and there’s a deep feeling of confusion mixed with rejection. It’s tempting to think a well-articulated and artfully delivered exit speech will reinstate our sense of self-worth, but that’s just not always the case in the real world.

If you’re confident that speaking up is a cathartic act you’re performing primarily for yourself, don’t hold back. Lay it out on the table and then leave it there.

But if you’re doing it with expectations of a gratifying response from the other person, consider saving your energy. You may or may not ever get what you’re seeking from them, and either way, it doesn’t really matter in the long run. The only meaningful, lasting closure will come from the love, respect and understanding you learn to give yourself.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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