One of my biggest challenges was helping my struggling child without doing too much.
I learned that I needed to support my child’s recovery rather than their continued substance use. That sounds easy enough, but it can get complicated and confusing in real life.
I know the feeling when you are so worried that you’ll do anything to try and keep your child safe. At one point, one of my children was about to become homeless. I remember the sick and desperate feeling that overcame me.
I tried many things, some of which were, in retrospect, helping the substance use to continue. I was fumbling around in the dark, trying to get answers. And yet, nothing I was doing was making an impact.
I was labeled an enabler by family members. That made me feel worse, like no matter what I did, it was wrong. Most people think enabler is another negative term that doesn’t help.
So how does a parent move from doing too much in the desperation of trying to save their child to having a helpful strategy?
Here is what Dr. Meyers has to say:
We also talk a lot about enabling behaviors, where they come from, and why it’s not such a bad thing to use them right now because they are trying to kind of keep an equilibrium in the house. Eventually, we have to get them to drop those enabling behaviors and let the drinker or the drug user suffer what I call natural consequences for his or her behavior, so they need to stop the enabling.
Naomi Sternberg explains it this way:
A parent who continuously rescues his child when he acts out is trying to be a loving parent but on a deeper level, is trying to rescue himself from the pain of seeing his child self-destruct.
Here are some things I learned about the term enabler and how to help my child.
…
Enabler is not a helpful term.
We see the people we love in trouble. At home. At school. In the office. With the law.
Because we love them, because it is our job to protect the people we love, we try to help them. We don’t know, not at first, that they are suffering from a chronic, progressive, deadly disease, and once we suspect it, we cringe from the very thought.”
Terms such as “codependency,” “tough love,” “detach with love,” and “enabling” are commonly used when talking about the disease of addiction. These words often have a negative slant, increasing the stigma and shame.
Enabling is “anything you do that reinforces or increases the likelihood of your loved one’s substance-using behavior or any other behavior you don’t want to support.”
Enabling is usually born out of parental love and concern. You do not want to see your teen or young adult suffering as a parent. Yet, there is that fine line between helping and doing too much. For each situation, that line might look a bit different.
Some people are concerned that you are enabling if you do anything nice for your struggling child, or those sincere efforts to be helpful and kind may further support substance use.
Other parents feel that the only way to interact with their kids is in an angry, aggressive, or “tough love” manner.
…
Discipline doesn’t usually work.
I’ve learned that disciplining your way out of substance use rarely works.
It is not surprising that we can all be confused about helping our child in the best way possible. Yet, there can be a middle ground between the tough love approach and enabling behaviors.
It’s called allowing for natural consequences. Rather than discipline or a tough love approach, stepping out of the way and letting the consequences happen can have a powerful effect.
…
Here are eight questions to consider if you are concerned that enabling behaviors contribute to your child’s substance use.
1. Do you ever make excuses for your child’s behavior?
2. Have you ever lied or encouraged your child to lie to cover up for their behavior?
3. Do you avoid talking with your child about their drug or alcohol use because you’re worried about their reaction?
4. Have you paid your adult child’s bills because they were out of money?
5. Have your loaned your teen or adult child money that they could use for drugs or alcohol?
6. Have you set boundaries and then backed down?
7. Have you finished something for your child because they did not finish it?
8. Have you stepped in to take responsibility for things your child should be handling?
…
Here are three ways that I have found you can support your child:
1. Notice when your child is doing something well.
You are in a tremendous position of influence regarding reinforcing healthy habits. You can do something nice for your struggling child, and that is to reinforce your child’s positive behaviors. You are encouraging them to repeat what they do well. Start a list and notice what your child does right. Don’t give as much attention to the behavior that you don’t want.
It is more difficult when your adult child doesn’t live with you. You can put positive reinforcement into place. Look for opportunities during phone calls and visits to acknowledge what your child is doing well.
Some tips on positive reinforcement are to give timely rewards. Give rewards as soon as you notice or hear about positive behavior. Make it a point to look for something positive each day. It helps the whole family change a negative situation to one that is more positive.
…
2. Step Out of the Way
Allow your child to experience the consequences of his actions. While no one wants to see their child suffer, stepping out the way creates an opportunity for the world to teach your child. They will feel the natural consequences of their substance use.
When their drug or alcohol problem becomes front and center for your child. They will be less likely to blame you for their problems. They will be more likely to accept responsibility for their behavior. When your child begins to feel the consequences of their use, they will be more motivated to find new healthy ways to live.
It is a difficult task, which is understandable. But the more you can step aside and let the outcomes become apparent while keeping safety in mind, the better off your child will be.
…
3. Define Clear Boundaries
Define your boundaries with your teen or young adult child and stick to them. Follow through on appropriate consequences. It will create an atmosphere of mutual respect.
Think through any boundaries that you have in mind beforehand. Furthermore, be sure the consequence seems appropriate. Don’t set a limit and then back down. It is better not to have set one at all.
Let your child know if you decide to change your boundaries and consequences. That way, you will both be clear about expectations in the future.
Trying to get your child back on track is something I understand. I did many things right when I raised my kids, and I have also engaged in my share of enabling behaviors. There are better options.
Strive to understand the difference between helping and enabling behaviors. You will have better relationships with your children and your spouse.
It is difficult to watch when we allow our children to learn the consequences of their actions. Yet, it will help to ensure that they will have a better chance of becoming healthy adults.
I have found that helping our kids stop using substances is never a clear-cut path. There are often starts and stops before your child decides to change. One of the most important things you can do is to determine what you will and will not support.
Thank you for reading. If you have a child who is struggling with substance use, consider signing up for the Sunday newsletter with information and inspiration to help parents and other family members.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
—
Photo credit: Ars Buchatski on Unsplash