How To Find a Girlfriend Although You’re an Introvert

My biggest flaw is that I’m an introvert.

I grew up watching extroverts get multiple advantages in life. They got the protagonist role in the school play, performed better in job interviews, and made friends faster.

Of course, extroverted girls were more successful with boys.

For years, I watched my heart get broken because my crush would barely notice I was there. The harsh truth is that to be chosen; you have to be seen.

Imagine this: you created the best product in the world, and you know people would be interested. The only problem is, you’re too shy to promote it. So, if people don’t see the product, they’ll never buy it — no matter how good it is.

That’s how I felt for years in the dating arena: I know I have a lot to offer, but I couldn’t show it. I blamed my introversion for my unsuccessful love life.

Until I learned to use my personality to my advantage.

I knew I couldn’t change who I was. I also knew I wanted a serious relationship. My only option was to work with what I had.

After this decision, I worked on my strategy, identified what truly held me back, and acted on what I wanted. Now, I’ve been in a relationship for five years, and we live together.

Here are the behaviors that helped me find a relationship without changing my personality:

Change your mindset.

Your biggest enemy is your mindset.

When I compared myself to extroverted people, I believed they were in a better position than me. With time, this comparison killed my confidence. Overall, this belief made me miss countless opportunities: I wouldn’t take any chances because I thought the fight was already lost.

The worst part is: I was completely wrong.

You have the same chances as an extrovert.

This study analyzed the relationship between extraversion and attraction. Contrary to my expectations, the results say that extroverted people are not perceived as more attractive.

It seems like a small change but realizing this gave me a confidence boost. I had to reason to believe others were better than me.

This mindset shift helped me focus on myself and my strengths.

Although I’m still an introvert, I embraced my role as a protagonist of my love story. And that’s how every relationship should start.

Stay in your comfort zone.

Productivity gurus love telling you to “expand your comfort zone.” They’re not wrong: the best way to grow is by challenging your limitations.

What they don’t tell you is that you can find your biggest strengths inside your comfort zone.

Let me give you an example. During my first years of university, Max invited me to go on a date. He drove me to the restaurant as a true gentleman, and we had a friendly conversation on the way. Everything went well until we arrived there.

Don’t get me wrong: the place was amazing. Except it was too fancy for me. The waiters served some expensive wine that I didn’t know, the food came in those small portions that can barely feed you, and the people around us looked like snobs.

The place didn’t match my vibe, and it made me feel uncomfortable.

By then, I was so uncomfortable I couldn’t come up with a topic to talk. I felt too unfit and didn’t share my dreams, opinions, and interests.

Expanding your comfort zone is great, but not if it overwhelms you.

Find a place where you feel free to be yourself. This way, you can express who you truly are instead of playing a character to impress your date.

Make deeper connections.

Let me be honest: I have a small group of friends. Although I admire people who connect with others, I could never do that. For some time, it bothered me: I felt guilty as if there was something wrong with me.

Until I learned the benefits of this relationship style.

My relationships are not numerous, but they’re deep. I feel comfortable around all my friends, and I trust them deeply.

This logic also applies to romantic relationships.

The person you’ll marry will change your life. Make sure it’s a genuine connection.

When you’re on a date, focus on quality, not quantity. It’s okay if you don’t go on a date every weekend. You only need one date to find the right person. So look for people who share your values, interests, and personality, and don’t force yourself to go on dates.

Listen… a lot.

My biggest strength as an introvert is that I’m a great listener.

In an era when people are constantly interrupted by notifications on their phones, giving your full attention to someone is an act of caring.

But listening is not enough: to create a meaningful relationship, you have to listen actively.

Here’s how:

• Ask questions.
• Look them in the eye.
• Be present on your date: don’t close yourself in your inner world.

Communication can be verbal or non-verbal. Still, people believe that being communicative means you talk a lot. They couldn’t be more wrong.

As an introvert, you dominate non-verbal communication. So leverage this strength to your advantage. Watch your partner’s reactions, use body language, and the way you look.

Just because you don’t talk like crazy doesn’t mean you don’t communicate.

The worst thing you can do is change who you are for a relationship. I get it: introverts face more challenges than extroverts, especially in relationships. So it’s tempting to try to change your personality so you can finally fit in.

But people often overlook the benefits of introverts.

The secret is not to change who you are but to identify your strengths and use them to your advantage. And never forget: if you have to force a relationship, it’s probably not for you.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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