How to Find Lasting Love

Catfishing, Tinder swindlers, and “situationships” -modern dating has become increasingly complicated and far less promising. It seems as though no one is ready to commit to anything, and everyone is prepared to flake at the very last minute.

This was certainly my experience when I was going through man after man on the app. But things took a dramatic turn when I turned to an ancient Chinese philosophy text. I did it for work, not for dating, but it transformed my mindset on dating. Here’s the secret: What we give out to the world and how we protect and guard ourselves will determine the kind of people we attract.

I was surprised to find the answers in scriptures written over 2,000 years ago, but the olden days did have a much simpler approach to navigating love. Let’s open our minds and explore this wisdom together.

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If there’s one Chinese word you need to learn…

I am an ancient Chinese philosophy scholar, it’s my job to study these texts. However, I never applied these master’s words to my love life.

My favourite book is The Doctrine of the Mean (中庸Zhongyong), partly because it was the smallest in volume and thus easiest to tackle. In fact, it focuses on one concept only: 誠cheng.

Cheng — loosely translated as sincerity — is considered one of the highest virtues in Confucian philosophy-a principle that aligns one’s internal truth with outward expression. To Confucius, sincerity was not merely about honesty, but about embodying truthfulness in a way that aligns character, intention, and action, thereby fostering harmony in relationships and society.

The toxic dating loop

Reflecting on my dating experience, I can only see it getting worse and worse since the invention of Tinder. There’s a vicious loop: after being catfished a few times, we build a defence mechanism. In turn, we become less sincere. The modern dating environment has become toxic, and we are back to square one. This is the opposite of sincerity.

If all of us are looking for love and stability, how can we all struggle to find it? It’s the system of distrust that we need to change to break the cycle.

Understanding Cheng: more than honesty

Like any Chinese word, one character can have multiple meanings. On the surface, Cheng can also mean ‘telling the truth’. But sincerity, also written as Cheng, embodies a deeper kind of truthfulness. It influences our presence, decisions, and interactions with others. For our inner well-being, we do not need external validation or deception to shape our relationships when we are truly sincere. Instead, sincerity becomes the guiding principle that naturally fosters trust and genuine bonds.

Remember: The energy you put out into the world will attract the same kind of energy back. If you believe in visualisation and manifestation, then sincerity must also be a key tactic in finding true love. Here’s how you apply cheng to modern dating.

1. Know yourself first

Sincerity begins with self-awareness. Before engaging in romantic relationships, take time to understand your values, needs, and bottom lines.

After dating around for a whopping 15 years, I am engaged to be married now. The five years behind for met my finacee, I spent five years healing myself. I was still dating a little bit at the time, but I switched my approach quite radically. I was surprised when my brain fog on romance swept away, and my eyes opened to clearly see that a friend, whom I have known for over 10 years and ‘friend-zoned’, turn out to be the one I have always been looking for.

Why? Because when you are deeply hurt, you attract people with negative energy. Only when you are healed, you see and feel with clarity.

The time you spend on confronting your pass and healing will never be wasted. They are the best investment you can make for yourself.

2. Communication

As a literature scholar, I have really contested feeling over ‘emojis’. It creates a massive scope of misunderstanding (as if language itself is not limiting enough) and the ambiguity weakens our sincerity in dating communication.

Embrace direct, authentic and honest communication. Give clarity and demand it. Don’t play games if you don’t want the other person to play games with you. Half-hearted statements will only lead to booty calls at late night because vague language only helps to keep our options open. If you are interested, just say it!

My fiance was never one to play games. Over the years when he was my friend, he told me he was interested in me. Yes, I might have rejected him multiple times before, but he didn’t give up, nor did he get overly dramatic or pushy. He does his own thing, but still open his heart for me.

By the time I became so confused about the modern dating world, he was like a breath of fresh air. When I sorted out my priorities and became more clear in my head, he had never been more attractive before. I’m so lucky that he doesn’t get snatched by some other girl first, so the faster we can heal and see things clearly, the better.

Slow waltz

When people equate dating to games, it becomes an elaborate performance. To foster sincere conversation, pace the chat and dance a slow waltz. Sincerity lies in treating the other person with respect. We are all busy, so respond when you genuinely have the headspace to do so. What this means is that you will filter out people who are there for ego-boost or a quickie naturally, and those who stay behind are the gold.

Sincerity naturally aligns thoughts, words, and actions. If you tell a partner you value honesty but remain evasive about your feelings, that inconsistency breeds distrust. If you say you seek a committed relationship but entertain emotionally unavailable partners, that misalignment creates confusion. Check-in with yourself-are your thoughts, intentions, and actions aligned. Is the other person’s?

When others are the problem?

The question you might have by this point is that — but the people out there are cunning. I hear you. It would seem natural to respond to these scheming games with strategies of your own. But that perpetuates the insincerity in toxic dating culture, so we must trust the universe, and do the opposite.

When we know what we want, and have clarity over our needs and values, then our vulnerability will become a strength, something attractive and different within the pool of jokey/hot-and-cold baits. Think of it as inviting someone to visit your garden while still keeping the door to your house firmly locked. You are still protecting yourself, but you have opened part of yourself to be appreciated.

This vulnerability extends to your consideration for others. We are all tired people, and when the other person feels your sincerity, they would either be scared away (which means you dodge a bullet), or they become increasingly attracted to you. This doesn’t mean being intense — Expressing feelings does not require immediate, unfiltered disclosure at every moment, but rather a mindful approach that respects both your emotions and those of the person you are engaging with.

The Power of Cheng in Love and Relationships

Practising sincerity in dating does not guarantee instant success or protection from heartbreak. However, it does eliminate people who are simply playing games and creates a foundation of integrity, respect, and emotional depth that attracts like-minded partners. When you are sincere, you naturally invite sincerity in return. You foster deeper connections, establish clear boundaries, and engage in relationships that are not just performative but genuinely meaningful.

According to Confucius, cheng is the only way to be in alignment with the dao (or the universe). Once we are aligned, the right things will come our way-including true love. Now, alignment itself is all encompassing and much wider than this article can cover, but trust that it includes love and relationship.

When I read this passage, I was astounded that the Western world might not even know about cheng. This is why I invite you to practise sincerity-it is a surefire way to attract the right things into your life, including the love you truly deserve.

For more practical lifestyle content based on ancient Chinese philosophy, follow me now. Or get my Substack: https://softpowerpath.substack.com.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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