Most people settle when choosing a mate and end up living to regret it –fortunately this is completely avoidable…
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See the author’s TEDx Talk on Creating Extraordinary Intimacy in a Shut Down World
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In terms of finding your “perfect” mate, let me break the news to you, there is no such thing. At least not on this planet. No one is perfect, everyone has flaws. With that said however, it IS very possible to find “The One”; a mate with whom you are so compatible and turned on by that the thought of having settled will never enter your mind. And the way to find (actually “attract” is a more accurate term) them is very straightforward.
Nearly Everyone Settles
How many people do you know are crystal clear about who they want to share their life with? And by “crystal clear” I mean actually took the time to write down in great detail who this person is. Chances are it is close to zero.
There is an old saying: “When you don’t know or care where you are going don’t be surprised by where you end up.” Let’s face it, most people go through life waiting (hoping) to meet someone where the chemistry kicks in big time. And when it does and it’s mutual, well, you’re off to the races! Wonderful, right? Except most of those races are either short or soon become very routine, unfulfilling or you just end up getting thrown (painfully) from the horse. That’s because chemistry alone is simply not enough to help navigate the complex waterways of long-term human intimate relationships. When the chemistry starts to wane, what is left is often the stark realization that the person you choose may not be ideal for other aspects of your life that are important to you.
If you don’t take the risk to be absolutely clear about with whom you want to share your life, you have effectively chosen to settle by default.
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When I met my future wife in 1982 there was chemistry and shared values. Yet, the writing was on the wall when we had this conversation just before we tied the knot. We asked each other what we wanted out of our life together. She responded with something like: “I want a house with the picket fence, two kids, a dog and a cat –the Leave it to Beaver experience, I just want everything to be ‘normal’”. To which I responded: “’Normal’ is the last thing in the world I want, I’m here to make a difference in the world.” And, in addition to that, we were also not particularly well-matched sexually.
Despite these differences, I knew she would be a terrific mother (which she was and continues to be) and she knew I would be a good father and provider for the family and a faithful husband (which I was on all counts). Our marriage lasted 26 years before I ended it. We do have two wonderful and successful adult children and the first half of the marriage was okay –just not great.
Basically, we both settled and paid the price for it eventually. And the reason we settled is that we each fell into the trap of finding a mate the same way the vast majority of people do, we waited to find someone where there was a spark and (hopefully) some shared values.
And I am here to tell you that is simply not enough if you want to have an amazing relationship that only grows stronger over time, rather than fizzle out as most do.
My “Dream Woman” Project
Given that the last 11 years of our marriage my wife and I were effectively roommates, I was determined to not let that happen again. I also knew I wanted to share the rest of my life with a mate. So, only two weeks after ending the marriage and moving out, I launched myself into what I call my “Dream Woman” project. Over a period of several days I feverishly wrote down my unbridled and extremely detailed description of who this person was from every aspect and nuance I could think of.
In looking back on this process I realize the key to doing this successfully was having the courage to look deep inside myself and become abundantly clear about what was important to me in a life-long intimate relationship. Most people are afraid to be this clear, I think because if they are, they will also be consciously aware of the possibility that they may never find this person and end up disappointed. So instead, like countless others, they avoid risking clarity in the hopes that serendipity will just hand them their perfect mate on a silver platter –right. Lack of clarity practically guarantees you will end up settling –every time.
If you are interested in taking a look at my own Dream Woman Project, just click the image to download the PDF. When you do, you will see that in addition to being quite specific in my writing, I used visuals and images extensively to help describe what I wanted.
You can make your Dream Woman (or Dream Man) project as elaborate or simple as you want. The important part is writing it down and being as specific and detailed as possible. Taking this approach is essentially the same as going after anything else you truly want in life. It takes clarity, determination and a willingness to fully lay bare what you really want in the face of knowing you may not achieve it.
Clarity is More Important than Planning
When I created my Dream Woman Project I had no clue as to how I was going to find her. And, I deliberately left out how that was going to happen. I simply trusted that the Universe is a lot wiser than I am when it came to those details. The only thing I did was keep myself active and socially available (i.e. open to meeting new people and experiencing new things). If you expect to catch a fish, you at least need to be near the water.
For the entire year after I wrote my Dream Woman Project I didn’t even date and rarely even looked at it. Then, in the most unusual of circumstances, I met my current Life Partner and didn’t even know it at the time.
The Benefit of Not Falling Head-Over-Heels
When Jacky and I first met, I was preparing to go to Brazil for a three-month “reset” of my life. I wasn’t even looking at that point. And quite frankly, while we both were intrigued, it was hardly what you would call love at first sight. Thank God it wasn’t because that gave each of us the space and level-headedness to become good friends before becoming intimate.
About a year after we first met I decided to look at my Dream Woman Project for a course on Extraordinary Intimacy I was about to give. As I re-read through this document my jaw kept dropping lower and lower in disbelief. I called Jacky over to look at it with me (she had never seen it before) and when she did she gasped and said “Sweetie –that’s me!!” Turns out she fit what was described in my Dream Woman Project 100%. Not 80% or 90% –100 percent to a “T”.
We will soon be celebrating our 3rd year together and our relationship only gets stronger and more fulfilling with time. And with respect to our intimacy, as powerful as it was when we first became sexually active with each other (you know, the “rip your clothes off” stage) it pales in comparison to what we now experience.
Taking the Risk
If you don’t take the risk to be absolutely clear about with whom you want to share your life, you have effectively chosen to settle by default. When you do express that clarity in writing it won’t guarantee that you will find that person, but it will significantly increase the chances you will. And, perhaps most importantly, you will know that you gave it your all instead of being a passive bystander waiting for anything remotely interesting that may cross your path.
This will likely be your greatest adventure in life. Don’t sell it and yourself short by taking the lazy way out by settling for less than you know deep down you want and deserve.
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image: provided by Author
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Thanks for sharing your story and the process. What I appreciate about your article is that this was how YOU chose to be in relationship with someone. It’s not right or wrong. Hopefully, people will take away that doing the hard work (something you put effort into) is important to their authenticity and their values. I’m going to reread the article and see what other lessons I can adapt to my own situation. What I’ve done is write up a set of boundaries that reflect my values – both personal and in relationship. Some are negotiable (money, shared fun, etc)… Read more »
While I definitely believe in the power of making a goal explicit, I see a lot of issues with this document you created (and it being published in the goodmenproject). I certainly commend you for putting yourself out there and for actively working to better yourself. But I want to bring to attention a number of concerns I have with this article given that it is published on a website I respect. To me, the way you have described your dream woman is sexist, classist, and shows a lack of emotional maturity. 1. On the physical: Have you stopped to… Read more »
Thanks for your article, Michael. I also believe in attracting “The One” in our lives and not settling. 🙂 However, you and Jacky have only been together for three years. How could you guarantee that you will be feeling the same for each other in five, ten, fifteen years? And not gradually end up as roommates… or worse, exes? I don’t mean to be negative, but I’ve just met couples who were certain that they’ve found The One and then separate anyway down the long road?
one more thing: be prepared to look not with your eyes but with your gut instincts – your perfect match may not look like what you hope or even be what you expect at all, but when you do meet him or her, none of it matters
because you will love it all.
I think there’s a fundamental flaw in your approach. if, as you say, close to zero people take the time to write out in detail the qualities they need / want in a partner, then we can assume your current partner falls into this category also. So, either she isn’t in a relationship with “the one” (tough break for you!), or else she is proof that writing a detailed list is arbitrary & that your approach worked for you. The end. However, if she did write a detailed list and what she wrote fits your description 100% then THAT is… Read more »
Hi Michael,
You give something to think about.
You said you didn’t date for a year after writing the first list.
But what if you were to go several years without even being able to get a date. How long before you would start to think about reevaluating the list, or the whole idea with the list? Or maybe start to re-evaluate your definition of settling?
Best regards, and good luck.
Sincerely /K
FlyingKal –here’s the thing: there is always the risk that you will not find the mate you identified in your Dream Woman / Man Project. I knew that going in. However, I also knew (and still fervently believe) that without this exercise and intention I *never* would have had a chance. That’s the scary part of being really clear about what you want –it always comes with that risk. To not face that risk (of clarity about anything we want) will almost always doom us to a life of quiet frustration and deep regrets when we take our last breath.… Read more »
Michael,
Thank you for taking the time to answer.
I get what you mean. And it’s not that I’m scared about being clear on what I want, or not want. It’s just that my idea of living my life full-out, coupled with this current appearance and body of mine, doesn’t seem to include a woman willing to share that full out.
And over the years, I have come to terms with that.
Mostly.
This is restoring some of my faith…..write the vision and make it plain. I wish more people would set aside the time to do it. We have so little faith. Thanks!
You are so welcome 🙂
Caro, you don’t have to be around someone very long to start having deep, meaningful conversations. Chances are if he isn’t comfortable with them now, accept the possibility that he may never be. The question then becomes: How important is that to you overall?
It is nuances like this that reaching clarity on who you want in a mate is so important. While it is possible he will change, never depend upon or expect it (sure recipe for eventual disaster). Be really clear (in writing) what your “deal killers” are in a mate –then stick by it.
Hope this helps…
Thank you for this! I was actually told (prior to reading this article) to write a list of things I want in my “dream man”. I am actually currently seeing someone right now that I’m really happy with, but we are still in the “getting to know each other” phase (ie he’s only been my boyfriend for about a month). We are completely honest with each other, but I’ve noticed that there are some things that I feel like we need to work on, for example, I wish we had deeper and more meaningful conversations (my dad was killed and… Read more »
Thank you .
You inspired me!
You are more than welcome Silke 🙂
This was an interesting article. I wish you well in your relationship.
Thank you…
“And, perhaps most importantly, you will know that you gave it your all instead of being a passive bystander waiting for anything remotely interesting that may cross your path”
This is so beautifully written. I am dealing with this currently where I don’t give myself a chance to see if i like them and instead leave it on them to like me. Thus being hurt over and over again. Thankyou the timing couldn’t be perfect
I am so glad you found value in this –that made my day 🙂
Michael,
I appreciate this piece, but I am wondering what you would say to someone who may already be in the same situation you were when you married your first wife. What would have changed your mind about marrying her? I feel like this is one if those situations that you only realize your mistake afterwards, it’s too difficult to admit you are settling at the time.
Shadeh,
Only you can answer this one for yourself.
Personally, I’d rather take the risk of living the rest of my life without a partner than with one where I’ve settled –but that is a tough call.
I had to learn to be comfortable and even enjoy my own company before I was ready to be open to another relationship.
Hope this helps…
Great read Michael! I have a similar short PDF document tucked away, that I created after being asked to succinctly re-evaluate during coaching as part of a possible separation. Realizing many people are visual or verbal in style, I would add further to your article that simply being open to the idea of THINKING about your future and the partner that may or may not join you, at this level, is a game changer! It opened my eyes wide to the fact that I wasn’t at all living the life I wanted, or the way I wanted. Not through any… Read more »
Thanks for sharing Jennifer –something tells me you are so on the right path…
On first blush….you sound delusional..good luck!
As in you think I’m making this up (or I actually believe it happened when in fact it really didn’t) or you feel it is delusional for others to apply this approach?
Hello Michael! Just finished reading your article and it made me hopeful. I have a five-page document I drafted several months ago following a betrayal from a man whom I thought I would me, and who turned out to be bipolar. Anyhow, I watched a TED Talk by Amy Webb on a subject similar to your Dream Woman Project, and so I decided to draft a document that clearly noted what I deserve in a relationship, and what I want a healthy relationship to accomplish. I even made a scoreboard out of this document (sad but so true). As you… Read more »
You are so welcome.
My only suggestion is avoid using it as a score card –any worthwhile potentials are likely to pick up on that which could work against you.
You stepped up to the plate to declare your intentions and that took guts –you can feel wonderful about that regardless of the outcome. 🙂