I don’t know about you, but I can be one stubborn S.O.B.
For much of my life, I always needed to be right. To be honest, it didn’t matter what the argument was even about. I just needed to win, and I was going to pull out all the stops. I was exhaustingly relentless and agonizingly creative.
I can whip up a novel explanation for anything under the sun, and I can be very persistent. There’s no one foot in, one foot out for me. So, when I argue, I’m all in. I’m googling counterpoints, I’m brainstorming plausible rationales, I’m scouring my memory for examples, I’m phoning a friend.
I’ve been told that I should have been a lawyer many, many times. I’m convinced that my ex-girlfriends employed this tactic to lull me into a sense of complacency while they tried steal the argument away.
It never worked.
Nice try though ladies. Valiant effort. Extra points for creativity.
. . .
So, what did I get for all my effort? A whole lot of arguments. Anger. Tension. Unhappiness. Frustration. Walked out on during dinner. Left in the bar by myself on my 30th birthday. Nights on the couch. Abruptly terminated relationships.
I know what you’re thinking. I was quite “the keeper.” It’s true. I probably wouldn’t have put up with me either.
And all that hassle because my ego needed to be right.
The temporary ego boost we get from winning an argument simply is not worth all the anger, anguish and annoyance. It took me a long time, but I finally decided to throw in the towel. It’s just more important to be happy than to be right.
Based on my well more than Gladwell-ian 10,000 hours arguing everything under the sun and probably 20,000 more making peace, I want to share my step-by-step process to defuse any argument and end up knocking boots.
Okay. You ready? You might not like this first part…
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1. Take it on the chin
Throw all your assumptions out the window.
“Assumptions are like earplugs,” explains Kate Murphy puts it in her aptly named, “You’re Not Listening.”
Okay. Now we can let the great airing of grievances begin. Let your partner say whatever they have to say.Don’t get defensive. Don’t argue your side. And please avoid jumping to judgement or blame.
Just listen. Don’t just look like you’re listening. Actually listen. Don’t play with your phone. Make solid eye contact. Ask probing questions. Be engaging.
Whatever you do — don’t begin to offer counterarguments to any of the points you hear. For far too many people today, “listening” is really just waiting for an opportunity to cut in and make their own point. Yes, yes. I know your POV is important, but we’ll get to that later.
Carl Rogers, the influential psychologist and father of patient-centered therapy, describes active listening like this, “I hear the words, the thoughts, the feeling tones, the personal meaning, even the meaning that is below the conscious intent of the speaker.”
Everyone wants to be heard. Try to identify the intentions below the words. Active listening will take the edge off the tip of their spear.
. . .
2. Summarize what you hear, in your words
This is important. Try to repeat your partner’s point of view back to them. You want to make sure you’re on the same page. Be careful not to sound like you’re mock paraphrasing.
This step validates their feelings and shows that you understand where they are coming from. It also gives them an opportunity to add any additional thoughts that they may have missed in the heat of the moment.
“People want the sense you get why they are telling you the story, what it means to them, not so much that you know the details of the story,” explains University of Mississippi Marketing Professor Graham Bodie in Murphy’s book.
Sadly, his research suggests that “listeners’ responses are emotionally attuned to what speakers are saying less than 5 percent of the time, making your dog pretty good by comparison.”
3. Calmly express your feelings
No matter how annoyed you might be by what has been said up until this point — calm is the operative word. Do not try to offer arguments to each of the points that they made, or you will immediately revert into an argument.
“The Power of Bad” quotes some wedding-day advice that Ruth Bader Ginsburg received from her mother-in-law:
You gave them time to express their opinion, and now it’s your time to express yours. You can politely remind them of this if they try to butt in.
Speak from the heart about how you feel about the situation. Remember, this is not a reaction to their words. This is you helping them understand where your head is.
. . .
4. Find common ground
When both sides in an argument make an effort to understand each other, they’ve already transformed the argument into a conversation — one that is underpinned by a mutually acknowledged respect.
Whenever I’ve done this in my relationships or even with clients, it takes away some of the emotional charge from the situation. It’s no longer oppositional with each party fighting to have their views heard.
From there, rather than looking for differences between your views, look for commonalities. Find something that you both agree upon and build from there. Once you find common ground, you can each slowly start to make compromises or concede that you agree with parts of the POV. Little by little with patience you can work toward a reconciliation.
In “Walking Through Anger,” Dr. Christian Conte’s book on Yield Theory, this step is called “exploring options.”
“Whereas listening and validating help break down and eventually release negative feelings, exploring options helps you direct people through the problem-solving aspect of the dilemma,” explains Conte.
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5. Lessons learned
Just because you’re not arguing anymore doesn’t mean that you can check out and go back to whatever got you into this mess.
Do you want to be here again? Of course not. Use this break in the emotional turmoil as an opportunity to build toward progress.
After the success you just had, you’ve probably learned a few things about what buttons set each other off. How about you take those tools out of your bag of tricks, expose them to the light of day and resolve not to use them anymore?
This part of the conversation can build a stronger bond between you and your partner and reinforce the mutual respect and intimacy you’ve just built.
. . .
6. Have passionate makeup sex
If you offer a massage to help release your partner’s tension, it’s usually not too tough to make a move from there. My recommendation, however, is that you should be getting physically closer to each other as you move through these steps — so a massage may not even be necessary.
Of course, you could always jump right from step four to sex, and do step five after you’ve worked out all the pent-up aggression between the sheets. Dealer’s choice.
The sex is not a joke step though. Psychologists have shown that couples need to have sex five times for every fight — so you’d better get crackin.
. . .
If you follow these steps well, I’m sure you’ll be knocking boots in no time.
Joking aside. Some arguments and issues are going to take much longer to resolve and overcome than others.
In the world of recovery, we often say that if you spent five years walking into the forest (lying, deceiving, etc.), don’t expect to walk out in five days. Trust can take time to be rebuilt — so it’s best to be realistic.
I’ll leave you with a final piece of advice from “The Power of Bad.”
Life-long arguer @RussellWeigandt has been a professional communicator for the last sixteen years, having worked at some of the largest agencies.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love and is republished here with permission from the author.
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