If you exist in a social void, don’t continue this situation, it endangers your sanity.
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I’m a lonely guy. First of all, I’m an introvert, who doesn’t socialize easily. Frankly, this is also reason number two, three and four of my loneliness. Other reasons–that my IT job or writing are not occupations that invigorate relationships–are just excuses.
I have only two friends from my youth, but they both live over 100 miles away from me. I meet them about once a year.
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I’m lonely, and it sucks
We, men, tend to isolate ourselves. We lick our wounds alone.
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We weren’t created to be alone for extended periods of time. We are social animals; I’d even dare to claim, that we weren’t created to exist without cultivating deep bonds. Yes, it’s totally possible to go through life without deep relationships. I’ve existed for years in such a mood. My friends were away, I had no social life whatsoever, and I didn’t try to move beyond professional relationships at the office. The only real and stable relationship in my life was my marriage (and, of course, my kids, but you know, it’s hard to strike a philosophical conversation with a toddler).
Such a life was miserable
I’ve read once that Stasi, the not so secret political police of communist Eastern Germany, had a special way to drive their prisoners insane. They isolated them. The prisoners couldn’t even talk with their guards. In fact, they didn’t see or hear from anyone for months. This method supposedly was 100% effective. Everyone got crazy sooner rather than later.
We, men, tend to isolate ourselves. We lick our wounds alone. Sometimes circumstances are just against us, and it’s hard to create meaningful relationships in the daily rut. Sometimes our friends live hundreds of miles apart. Sometimes we are forced to work away from home and family for days, weeks and months. What to do then? How to keep sanity?
“Last resort” friend
It sounds like a cliché, but my best friend is my wife. I can talk to her about anything. The problem, of course, is that I don’t. Most of the time, my introversion and the usual power struggles in marriage hamper me from showing my vulnerability. However, when I am desperate, when I see no hope when I’m exhausted, my wife is my ‘friend of last resort.’ Less than a month ago, I was on a verge of a mental breakdown because of exhaustion from constant busyness. I didn’t sleep enough and worked long hours. Plus, I felt completely alone in my struggles. In the end, I burst into tears in front of my wife and told her that I can’t maintain this crazy pace. She consoled me and assured that she can stand me not being a millionaire for a few more years.
You don’t have to be married to have such ‘last resort’ friendship. Any relative you are close to ‘will do.’ Maybe one of your siblings, maybe one of your parents, surely you can think of someone?
God
God is my friend too, and a very handy one. He always accompanies me and is always ready to listen to my complaints and grumblings. He is infinitely patient with me. Unfortunately, our bond is not perfect. I can’t see Him, I can’t hug Him, and He speaks very quiet and only in the depth of my soul. I rarely bother to quiet my heart and thoughts to listen to Him at all. And there is this “F-word”, faith. It’s necessary to have some to have God as a friend, and I count faith among the hardest things to master by a human. It’s so easy to learn knowledge, gain skills or to practice positive thinking. Mustering some faith, tough? Close to impossible.
Imagination
Major James Nesmeth was imprisoned in Vietnam for seven years. He was isolated, and the only humans he had contact with were his guards and the camp’s officials.
To keep himself occupied he practiced golf… but only in his mind. Golf was his passion. He internally replayed every game in his life. Then he replayed every game he has ever watched. Then he practiced golf in his mind. He kind of became his own best friend. He could spend hours and hours with himself being engaged in the activity he loved.
Online friends
I have two accountability partners. I’ve never met them face to face. We meet on Skype call once a week. We discuss not only our businesses but also our lives. We talk about goals and dreams, about ill health and struggle in our relationships.
They are my friends, and I love them like the brothers I never had.
In online groups, you have to contribute to be able to benefit from them.
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I’m also involved in several online communities. Creating relationship online is totally possible; it takes some courage on your part nonetheless. A proper relationship means vulnerability that is unavoidable. The more you open yourself, by sharing your story, who you are and accepting the feedback of others, the faster you can create relationships.
In online groups, you have to contribute to be able to benefit from them. So many passive lurkers just delude themselves that they are part of a group, because they read all the posts, but they are only spectators. The more value you provide–whether it’s information, encouragement, consolation or amusement–the easier it will be to create meaningful connections.
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All the above methods are just a poor substitution of a deep friendship. They can keep you sane just for so long. If you lack friends, you should actively seek for new ones. If your spouse is not your friend yet, you should start work on making it so. If she is just a “last resort friend” you should work on taking your relationship to the next level (like I am trying to do). If you exist in a social void, don’t continue this situation, it endangers your sanity.
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Photo: Flickr/ Khalid Almasoud