How to Never Take Things Personally Ever Again

Whenever we call someone egocentric, egotistic or self-centered, it is never a good thing. That’s because, as social creatures, we will always frown on those who cater to themselves or who only think about themselves.

That’s why as much as one might dream about becoming a billionaire one day, deep down they probably don’t really want that because people hate billionaires. I can’t remember the last time I heard someone from a soup kitchen being chastised, can you?

The status of being a billionaire is seen as more self-serving while being a server at a soup kitchen is very nearly peak altruism.

But what does it look like when someone constantly thinks about themselves? Would we also consider that to be egocentric or self-centered? I think it is.

When someone is self-conscious, they are putting excessive attention and judgment on themselves, but this has the opposite effect compared to the person who excessively caters to themselves.

The self-conscious person is pitied by others who try to reassure them that they don’t need to judge themselves so harshly. Sometimes self-conscious people get chastised but that is normally by those who deny their own struggles with self-consciousness, which leads us to our topic.

We tend to get very defensive whenever someone makes a disparaging comment about us. We either feel the need to defend ourselves and we attack the other person, or we agree with the comment and attack ourselves. That latter option is used by the more self-conscious among us.

Whenever I’ve heard people talk about the solution to stop taking things personally, they said that it shouldn’t matter because no one really cares about you, so you don’t need to worry about what they think.

As true as this is (in certain contexts), it didn’t really help me because I thought that we all should care what each other thinks. This is a society, isn’t it?

To not care what others think because they don’t really care about you is hardly helpful when you put your friends or family into the equation. Should they really not care about me and what I have to say? Should I not care about them and what they have to say?

The advice works for strangers but it doesn’t work that well for the people I’m already connected to. But I’ve found a way around that, and it’s pretty simple.

If you understand and accept that everyone does what they do because of who they are, then there’s no reason to ever take things personally.

This very obvious truth couldn’t be adopted by most of us because, as much as we may hate egocentric people, we are egocentric people. You are the center of your world, and as a result, you think that everything that happens to you is because of you.

But that is a big fat lie. Obviously.

After all, if someone says something positive or negative to you, it’s really because of who they are because different people will react to you in different ways. Your actions, personality and beliefs are not objectively good or bad, but they will be judged by others as either good or bad (or indifferent).

If someone had something negative to say about my skin color, is that really about me? No, because I’m not the one who is making the judgment. If someone had something positive to say about my skin color, that is also not about me. It’s about the person making the judgment.

Humans have a tendency to make things about themselves, and as a result, they get themselves into a ton of problems.

Someone’s got a problem with you? Actually, no, they don’t. They’re harboring harmful thoughts and now have a problem with themselves. You are just a reflection of their inner issue. Someone loves you? That’s great, but I have to burst your egoic bubble because the reason they love you is because you reflect the things they value.

If you can accept this, your ego won’t be damaged when others say less than kind things to you or don’t show you the love you deserve; and your ego won’t get too big when people celebrate you or your work.

It may be hard to digest that you disliked self-centered people and are now being called out as self-centered too. Consider it a rite of passage. Hell, I’m writing about it so clearly you’re not alone. It’s not as if I wasn’t self-centered.

But it’s liberating to know that the opinions of others don’t matter so much. I don’t have to live up to the praise others give me and I don’t have to change in order to fulfill someone’s idea of who I should be.

That makes the world a lot less scary and helps me to be a lot more honest.

I don’t have to worry about people hurting me because they can’t, nor do I have to worry about hurting others because I never had the power in the first place.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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