Toxic people played me for four decades of my life. You will relate if you have experienced past trauma.
But I am now middle-aged & toxic people don’t affect me anymore.
Now I get curious about people rather than get scared of them.
How did I manage to change? Change was simple with the tools I acquired, once I understood what was going on. You can steal my 6 step process to deal with toxic people too.
Step 1: The origin
Discover how your problem with people began. My naivety with toxic people took root in my traumatic childhood. Here’s a tip: most people’s issues are rooted in childhood trauma.
Step 2: Know that change is possible
You need to know that you don’t have to live in the past. Toxic people trouble you because of your lack of people skills which is learnt behavior. For instance I learnt to approach people with a disorganised attachment style & lack of self-esteem. I can unlearn it as an adult.
Step 3: Know what you go through with toxic people
It is important to appreciate what you go through so you don’t put undue pressure on yourself to change. Because pressure may be counterproductive. This was me:
I felt judged & rejected by people. I learnt & absorbed this frame of mind as an impressionable child.
This also resulted in me obsessing about what I could have done different in my interactions with toxic people.
It sounds complex but it all boils down to this. The reason I was obsessing was because I was not speaking up in the present moment about behavior that made me uncomfortable. I did not want to rock the boat. This is called the shut up & blow up pattern. We don’t speak up for a long time then blow up when we can’t hold it in any longer. Again, this is learnt behavior, the kind of reaction we saw growing up.
Step 4: How your situation in the now is
Know that toxic people need not affect you anymore because you are an adult who can choose who you interact with. You don’t have control over the pain that others can inflict on you but you have the choice to suffer or not.
Step 5: Take action
You cannot trust that others won’t treat you badly. Their behavior is not in your control. But when you take control of your thoughts & trust yourself you know people cannot hurt you.
You can control the interaction with toxic people by merely being curious about them rather than thinking they will cause harm. If someone does attempt to hurt you:
You don’t take it personally
You feel safe enough not to be affected by it
And you speak up.
When you speak up you do it with the knowledge that people hurt because they are themselves hurting. You can ask them what is going on in their lives that they find it necessary to hurt you.
Steps 5: Tools to handle toxic people
These tools are absolutely necessary to handle toxic people your way. They are:
Self compassion is needed to connect with & accept yourself. It helps you assume responsibility for your life & reminds you that you & everyone else is human. When your cup of compassion overflows you are able to pass it onto others.
Self esteem journaling is easy to implement. Keep it simple by journaling three actions you performed well in the day, towards the end of the day.
People who live in victimhood have “why” questions that cannot be answered, akin to “why does this always happen to me?” When you stop why questions & ask how questions instead you trigger the action needed for change. These questions are in the line of “how can I change what happens to me?”
The ‘Power Up Against Toxic People’ tool
Do you shut up for a long time about behavior that makes you uncomfortable, then blow up & overreact? When you overreact, you give people power over you. This happens because you let your powerless thoughts fester for a long time.
The ‘Power Up Against Toxic People’ tool when used regularly gives you power over toxic people. It is immensely useful in your fight to not let people & their actions affect you. I have curated & shared it here for you.
When you take the necessary though painful step of acknowledging that the cause lies within not without, change is much easier.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Joel Muniz on Unsplash