How to Properly Break Up With Someone

It’s time to end things and move on.

But you want to end your relationship on good terms.

Your partner is nice and you don’t want to hurt their feelings.

Maybe you just feel like the relationship has “run its course” and there are fundamental incompatibilities making the relationship more trouble than it’s worth.

You know that your partner doesn’t deserve to be hurt, but you know that it’s just going to be worse in the long run for the both of you to stay together.

How do you break up while minimizing the damage?

I’m a big fan of Dr. K and his Youtube channel, HealthyGamerGG. I can’t recommend his content enough. In the following short video clip, he gives a great answer to this question:

Let’s talk about when it’d be a good idea to follow his suggestion, and when it’d actually be a BAD idea to do so.

The actions that Dr. K suggests align with the behavior of a securely attached person.

He said to open up a dialog just like you would have with any issue within a relationship.
He made sure to start with specific reassurances.
He emphasized using “I feel” statements.

Generally speaking, when it comes to anything about relationships, secure attachment is your north star. If you ever run into any issues, asking yourself, “What would a securely attached person do?” will usually give you the right answer.

If you don’t already know about adult attachment styles, one book I always recommend is Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find — and Keep — Love by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. I also discuss it in my book, along with other strategies to build happy lasting relationships, and how you can best move on after a breakup if things went south. Mine is specifically for men, though.

Trying to break up with someone in this way isn’t always good, though.

If you’re in an abusive relationship, don’t do this.

And I’m not just talking about physically abusive relationships.

Emotional manipulators such as narcissists know how to twist this kind of dialog around to make you feel like you understand each other better in the end when, in reality, all that happened was just them getting their way.

And don’t just ignore this kind of stuff if you’re a man.

A lot of us men live with emotional abuse without being able to recognize it because we just tell ourselves to “man up.” We buy into the stereotype that abuse in relationships is always just about the man abusing the woman.

The stereotype isn’t true.

No matter who you are, familiarize yourself with the signs:

If the other person doesn’t know how to respect your boundaries, cut things off with them cleanly and clearly.

Then block them.

Then move on.