Following our partner’s emotional process can feel like driving through a snowstorm. You haven’t crashed, but you don’t feel a sense of total control.
You don’t know what to do because proposing your feelings about their processing pace and form of expression can cause a larger issue.
The scenario I provided above occurs most when dealing with a fearful avoidant.
We call the fearful-avoidant the “hot and cold attachment style” because there are fluctuations in their behaviors.
Fearful avoidants can display anxious behaviors, such as desiring to form a close bond quickly, and avoidant behaviors, such as completely pulling away when they feel too close.
You’re constantly trying to read your partner and place yourself in the position that will receive the outcome.
Yes, you feel like it’s your job.
Today we’ll end that cycle because it’s not your job to ride the seesaw.
Today we’ll begin a new cycle where you learn how to create a safe space for yourself while your partner works to improve and change their swings.
For those new to my writing, I write for those working to transform their attachment style or work with their partner to change theirs.
It is a process that takes months to years to transition, so remember patience is the key.
The line
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.
We can have trouble setting them up because it feels like we are making a demand instead of working with our partner as we give them time to develop.
Scrap every percent of that logic in your mind.
When working with a fearful-avoidant, you have to set a boundary around your communication because they can fluctuate between being overly communicative, “an outburst,” or lack communication at all, and “shut down.”
How do you work with someone when you don’t know which side to expect because it can be situational?
You outline how both partners will participate, show up, and commit to a game plan.
Tunde, you make it sound easy. I can’t make my partner agree to this demand.
You’re right. When it sounds like a demand, you won’t be able to get your partner to do anything.
Remove the verbiage that makes it sound like a demand.
A method I like to use is instead of stating the feeling, then the need, and lastly, the outcome, you reverse the order.
“Our relationship is strong when problem-solving together (outcome). I want to feel like we support each other when either is struggling with a feeling (need). I want to feel connected to you, and I feel isolated when we aren’t on the same page (feeling).
Read that in the reverse order and see how it sounds like a demand.
The rollercoaster
Riding the seesaw or rollercoaster is easier said than done.
Tunde, I understand what you mean about setting boundaries, but what do I do when things go off the rails in live-action?
How do I formulate the correct response when my partner is on either side of the spectrum and I am being met with a live reaction?
First, understand that conversations go off the rails when we take our partner’s feelings and reactions personally.
Stay grounded in your emotional state, and do not react to your partner’s expression.
When your partner is on the avoidant side, and they are seemingly shutting down, not opening up, and being resistant to your attempt to connect, don’t push.
When your partner is experiencing the fearful or anxious side and spilling out their emotions and feelings, oversharing, and getting thoughts off of their mind, don’t try to throw a red light in the process.
I am telling you in short, that we are often reactive or pulling to get our partner off of the ledge when we have to remain consistent with the thought that this is their internal battle.
No, I am not telling you to abandon your partner and leave them alone to fight on their own, but I am telling you not to try to even the seesaw.
Remain grounded in your processing and create the environment for your partner to navigate their battle and return to the table.
Air in the tire
You have to remove the pressure that can build in this dynamic.
Do you know how it feels like a situation can be under control and take a crazy swing and collapse?
It can work the other way as well.
A situation that feels like it is spinning in a tornado can turn into a bright sun when you remove the pressure.
When working with an avoidant, the pressure feels like being forced to express, be vulnerable, and have an answer at the moment.
When you are working with someone who is anxious, the pressure feels like you are not being heard, someone is rushing you through your thoughts, and you feel like someone thinks you are overreacting.
Slow the pace of the conversation down in both situations and target the central issue so you can get to the heart of the conversation.
When someone on the anxious side is spilling their thoughts out, there is often one central problem that is at the center. Process what they are saying and identify “what it sounds like they’re experiencing.”
When someone on the avoidant side is ducking and dodging every moment to express, there is often a lack of awareness about what they are experiencing. Process what you feel they can’t identify and say something relatable because “when I am in this situation it makes me feel…”
Both of these situations have a route toward success. Don’t create pressure where it doesn’t have to exist.
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Do you want to huddle for a 1:1 session to work through your dynamic? If you’d like a free 15-minute information and onboarding call about my coaching offerings click here. You can also reach out to me on Instagram. here. or email me at [email protected] for details.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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