How To Say “No” Without Ruining Your Relationship

I used to be the type of person who would say “yes” right away because rejecting people’s wishes seemed so scary to me. Not only did I not want to hurt their feelings, but I also didn’t want to deal with the whole conversation explaining my “why.”

Though it looked like a safe way to maintain a relationship, I realized down the road I started to have this resentment over my partner and blamed him when things went wrong.

One time during our road trip to Alberta, I followed whatever he planned, and there was this itinerary where I didn’t want to go. I just wanted to go to places other than beaches. But with the old me who couldn’t say “no,” I just followed through but felt completely unhappy and grumpy the whole time we were there.

That day I learned I actually had the option to refuse the idea and maybe propose a better idea. When you say “yes” all the time, your partner might lose sight of your preference and think you’ll like whatever they decide.

So, in short, it’s not really their fault. It’s us who need to learn how to communicate our needs or voice our opinions properly.

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Using effective communication to say “no.”

There are couples who like to force their ideas on each other, and there are couples who never bother to say what they feel because they don’t think it’s important enough. And this is where using effective communication can help you find the balance.

You don’t want to be so aggressive when it comes to your opinions, but you also don’t want to compromise too much to the point where you lose yourself. I believe the key to a healthy relationship lies in how both parties respectfully speak up about their needs. And it’s definitely a skill that needs a lot of practice.

Here are the steps you can do to help you better at using effective communication:

Acknowledge your partner’s wish

Before letting your partner know about your preference, first, you need to acknowledge what they want. By saying, “I know this plan is so important to you…” or “ I understand you’ve been wanting this for so long now…”, you let your partners know that you consider their feelings.

That way, your partner will less likely think you’re a selfish person because you don’t come off saying their wish doesn’t matter — it does, it’s just that you have other preferences that you’d like to do/have instead.

Respectfully say what you prefer to do/have

Screaming, yelling like a kid forcing your partner to follow what you want isn’t something a healthy couple does in their relationship. Most times, people who use effective communication are the ones who are emotionally mature and stable.

So avoid using swearing words or raising your volume in the hopes your partner will “get it.” Saying things like,

“I know this plan is so important to you; however, I’d prefer to stay at home this weekend to recharge as work has been chaotic for the past week.”

If your partner cares about you, they would respect your decision and take your “no” lightly. Sometimes it’s about how you deliver your want and the reason behind it to make your partner understands.

Carefully listen and see their reaction

The next step you need to do once you let your partner know that you want another thing is to wait it out. Listen to what they’re about to say carefully without interrupting.

Depending on the maturity level your partner has, they can be upset, or they can try to negotiate with you. Whatever their reaction is, it’s crucial for you to listen to your partner knows you don’t neglect their wish too.

Avoid forcing your wish on them

The last thing you want to happen is going into a deep argument. You don’t have to make every disagreement into a fight. Most things can be solved by sitting down and having a real conversation.

That’s why it’s also important to note that just because you already said “no” to your partner, that doesn’t mean the issue ends there. Usually, your partner will try to negotiate, and you need to come up with a win-win solution.

As long as you know how to compromise well, then this shouldn’t be a problem.

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If you know how to compromise, you know how to keep the relationship healthy

At some point in your relationship stages, you need to know well how much you can compromise. Many people don’t think about this part because they bought that cliche quote that says, “when you’re in a relationship, you both become one.”

While this concept sounds romantic, it’s not really practical. You are still your own person no matter how close you’re to your partner now. So if you never create any boundaries, there’s a higher chance you’ll turn into a self-indulgent, and you don’t know what you want anymore.

To learn how to say “no” by using effective communication, then know your compromise limit. At the end of the day, it’s about finding the balance to love your partner without losing yourself at the same time.

And if I could do it, then there’s no doubt you can do it too.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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