How To Stay on Purpose: There’s Nothing Out There Worth Betraying Yourself for

If we could just say no.

How many times do we ask ourselves what would have happened, if we’d dare to say no instead of compromising, just this last time?

If you’re like me, and you’re a people-pleaser in recovery, then the answer might be many, many times.

I vividly remember this scene: preparing tea, or coffee, setting my desk overlooking the garden, or the city’s skyline, or something inspirational, and making sure the space is proper for me to write. A space worthy of a writer.

And then, an invitation comes.

Would you like to join me at this party?

Would you be able to take this extra assignment? I’ll pay you well.

How about going for a drink? Just one…

Yes, I say, justifying myself. The drink will loosen my creative energy, and I might meet someone interesting that can give me an inspiring story. Don’t you remember how all your characters were created?

So off I go, and three hours later, I’m back home heading straight to bed to soothe the effects of alcohol excess in my body. Tomorrow, for sure, I will do it. Temporarily, I can fool myself — I feel so much better.

Except nothing can change the inevitable: I end up loathing myself slightly more than I did yesterday.

I didn’t show up when it mattered. And, ninety per cent of the time, my excuse wasn’t worth it.

…

The Missing Part of the Equation

There are a lot of misconceptions about giving and about being in a state of love.

At least in the world I grew up in, we tend to associate giving and caring with being a saint-like figure like Mother Theresa — someone who sacrifices everything for the well-being of everybody that crosses their path.

If that’s your calling, and it fulfils you, fine.

But I don’t believe that giving needs to be from that space.

I was taught to feel guilty about enjoying while others suffer, but I’ve learned, through a lot of unnecessary suffering, that it doesn’t need to be that way. Turns out I can enjoy and give. I can lift others up with me.

I was also taught to be suspicious. To be in fear. To doubt everything and everyone. I tried doing it and ended up a few centimetres away from jumping from my forty-seventh-floor balcony.

This is what I was missing: To include myself in the equation. To remember that how I feel, and what I need, and what I care about also matters.

Everything that we do out of a state of love for others cannot be whole unless it starts with loving ourselves — otherwise, it is duty, not love.

Is what I am about to do loving towards myself? If it is not, then it is fear. It doesn’t matter how you justify it.

I justified it for years, and I ended up in terribly painful codependent relationships, one-way street friendships, and even though I was consistently surrounded by people, I was feeling incredibly alone.

At the same time, being in a constant state of fear and mistrust — even if we claim to be trusting — begins with previous unprocessed pain and feelings of unworthiness. If we believe in our and other’s basic goodness, why do we need to be fretting?

Our feelings matter, always.

…

Acknowledging the Small Wins

The truth is, what you do matters. What you do today matters. What you do every day matters.

Successful people just do the things that seem to make no difference in the act of doing them and they do them over and over and over until the compound effect kicks in.

Jeff Olson, The Slight Edge

Everything we do matters. Napoleon Hill, in Outwitting the Devil, classifies people in two categories: drifters and non-drifters. Non-drifting, in his words, equates definiteness of purpose.

Hill says that drifting, without aim or purpose, is the first cause of failure — and also mentions that failure is a man-made concept that can be our greatest provider of wisdom.

What he also says is similar to what Jeff Olson says in The Slight Edge. Everything that we do, no matter how simple it seems, either works for us or against us. In other words, there is no neutral. We’re either drifting or we’re not.

Personally, I equate drifting with the basic premise of A Course in Miracles. Non-drifters stay in a state of love. Drifters stay in a state of fear. Every task could be performed from both states — but not at the same time.

I have justified working overtime when in reality I was using it as a shield to avoid embracing my purpose wholly. I’ve hidden under an incredibly busy schedule to avoid facing my demons. And, I’ve also known what it’s like to flow with guidance and act from a loving space.

Mahatma Gandhi said: Each night, when I go to sleep, I die. And the next morning, when I wake up, I am reborn.

I would say the same is true about every moment.

And the way we can gain momentum is when we acknowledge and appreciate our small wins.

Not only what we did do, but what we didn’t do. Those times that we didn’t let fear win. Those times that we were not seduced into drifting.

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Be Mindful Of The Seductions

Invitations to drift are ever-present, every day. They come in the shape or form of that which we fear we’re lacking, or that by which subconsciously we measure and define ourselves.

If we’re chasing wealth, they might come with path-derailing work that promises high pay.

If we’re chasing physical beauty or allure, we’ll never spend enough hours at the gym, so we’ll justify going again even if we’ve already done enough for the day.

If we’re people-pleasers, there’s always someone that needs our appeasement and attention.

I sold my business and wanted to become a writer. I didn’t. Two years later, I got an incredible consulting contract — two hours a day for twice what I’d make as a full-time salary, roughly — and said that now I’d finally do it. I didn’t. I was seduced by fake status and power and the promise of empty business opportunities.

Finally, the Universe had enough. I needed to lose everything to finally sit down and write and let that open doors to all the other work I needed to be doing. I needed to hit rock-bottom to build my life from the inside out.

Now, it is very important, especially, as a writer — and narrator of experiences — to fully embrace living. Best writers, in my opinion, are the ones who have dared to live greatly and talk about it. So, if we choose to write, we need to do both the living and the writing.

Kerouac’s main source of inspiration was Neal Cassady. He once said, in an interview, that Cassady was the best writer of the Beats, but that he lacked the discipline to sit down and write.

I did the same for years. There was always the next shiny object — the next great story, the one that would make it.

But if our purpose is to write, there will be a time to experience, and there will be a time to write.And if we don’t do it, we’re not following our path. We’re drifting.

…

Remember The Fallacy

Drifting is easier when we fall for the fallacy that life is a zero-sum game. When we mistakingly believe that for us to win, someone has to lose. Economists say that there is no such thing as a free lunch. Economists speak from a place of scarcity.

The world is meant to be a place of abundance.

In a state of love, there’s enough for everyone. In a state of fear, we never have enough and we need to fight or defend what’s ours. That consumes energy, time, money, and it causes us to drift.

…

Living Differently

Every action, thought, and feeling is motivated by an intention, and that intention is a cause that exists as one with an effect.

Gary Zukav, The Seat of the Soul

Before we perform any action on autopilot, we need to learn to pause. We need to learn to question our intention. We need to allow ourselves to fully feel our emotions.

Love energises us. When an action is done from a state of love, we feel it. Acting on that energy shows that we are enough. Acting on the energy of fear leaves us craving something — approval, most of all.

There’s a poem attributed to Charles Chaplin that says: As I began to love myself, I recognized that my mind can disturb me and it can make me sick. But as I connected it to my heart, my mind became a valuable ally. Today I call this connection wisdom of the heart.

Our minds can create enemies where there were none. Our minds can manufacture worst-case scenarios that are as unrealistic as winning the lottery this evening. Our minds can create walls where we need bridges. But, if driven by the right intentions — if connected to our soul, our minds can also serve us to walk our path. Our minds can work for us rather than against us.

And it all begins every moment that we choose to love ourselves — that we choose love over fear.

I wish I had known this ten years ago.

I would have run my business my way, instead of pleasing everyone around me.

I would have walked out of relationships that weren’t loving.

I would have deepened good friendships and cut off time spent with fake ones.

I would have used money differently — serving my higher purpose instead of hustling for approval and admiration.

I would have started writing a long time ago.

But no matter what I did, the same way it doesn’t matter what you did, we are all, still, worthy of love. It doesn’t matter if we’re sane or addicted, wealthy or in debt, healthy or unhealthy, where we want to be or where we never thought we would.

And this simple reminder can be enough to gain the courage to take the next small step that leads us to turn our lives around.

You are worthy. You are loved. Everything else is secondary.

So, now that you know, what will you choose to do?

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

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