James always considers himself to be a good guy. Not only does he like being called “nice” by ladies. He went out of his way to maintain activities that will make women consider him as “nice”. He listened attentively, opened the doors, and went out of his way to always make ladies feel special. Yet, somehow his relationship life was a mess. It was full of a series of disappointments. Women would tell him “you’re such a great nice guy, but you’re not my type, I can’t feel the spark”.
One Friday evening, after another failed date, James met his friend Richard for drinks. Richard was the opposite of the type of guy James was. Richard is effortlessly confident and he is usually surrounded by women, having heard James’ complaints before, this time Richard leaned forward and asked “Do you know why you’re stuck in the ‘nice guy’ zone?”.
With a frowned face James replied, “I’m seriously confused too, could it be because I’m too kind?”.
“No,” Richard replied, “it’s because you’re giving too much without making them earn it. You think by being overly accommodating, ladies will want you. But unfortunately it doesn’t work that way, women value guys that value themselves.”
Now seemingly confused, James asked for clarity.
Richard explained further, “being nice is definitely a good thing, it’s a positive value and everyone appreciates it. But the problem is while trying to be nice you’re sacrificing your own wants and needs just to make women happy. That doesn’t show confidence- it shows insecurity. Women want men who respect themselves as much as he respects them.”
Afterwards, James decided to try Richard’s advice.
On his next date, instead of the usual over-eager-self, James practiced assertiveness. When his date asked him where they should eat he confidently suggested the spot he would loved, instead of the usual “anywhere you want” response he used to give in the past.
That’s not all, during the conversations, he truly expressed opinions instead of agreeing to everything she said.
By the end of the night, something had shifted, there’s a new dawn. James’ date leaned forward from her seat and said, “I like how sure of yourself you’re tonight, please keep it up.”
For the first time, James realized that being confident and assertive doesn’t mean being a jerk. It means showing respect to himself, his time, resources and preferences. He did not stop being kind, he just learned how to balance kindness with self-respect.
From that point on, James stopped being the “nice guy” who got walked over, rather he became the self assured man who women admired, not because he changed who he was but because finally started to value himself more.
Lessons Learned From James Story
If you find yourself stuck in the “nice guy zone” like James here are key lessons to help you break free without turning to a jerk.
1.Kindness Without Boundaries is a Problem
Kindness is a great quality and everyone wants to associate with kind people, but when kindness knows no boundaries, it’s a problem.
Being overly kind can lead to you being taken for granted. In dating, overextending yourself, by constantly prioritizing other people’s needs and wants over yours. This can come by always saying “yes” to people because you don’t want them to feel bad or always avoiding conflict to keep the peace.
Imagine this. If you’re giving and never giving limits, it feels like you’re trying to earn someone’s affection. While generosity is appreciated, people are psychologically and naturally drawn to people that have a sense of self-worth. Women interpret unbounded kindness as a sign of insecurity instead of strength.
2. Be Assertive, Not Overly Accommodating.
One of the biggest mistakes “nice guys” make is being overly accommodating in an attempt to appear easygoing and agreeable. This truly from the outside appears like a way of winning someone over, but it’s usually the opposite that happens.
Women appreciate men who are thoughtful and considerate, but they also value assertiveness, decisiveness and confidence. When men are accommodating in any sense like allowing a lady to pick the restaurant for a date, agreeing to her opinion with questions or putting her needs before your own, you risk being seen as passive and not having the mind of your own. This can make relationships more one-sided and uninteresting.
To change this dynamic:
- Always have an opinion
- Always take the lead
- Always voice your opinions, even if it sounds entirely not pleasant
- Avoid being a people-pleaser
- Avoid mean a “yes-man”
- Be a little mean and selfish
- Embrace disagreement
- Be comfortable with silence
- Work on your inner confidence
- Own your decisions
3. Confidence is More Attractive Than Compliance
Confidence is one of the magnetic qualities that attracts women. It’s not about being rude, being arrogant or being domineering. It’s about being with who you’re and still standing on your beliefs and values firmly. Compliance on the other hand is about just agreeing with everything to avoid conflicts, disagreement and to gain approval.
Women are adept psychologists in social and relational contexts due to evolutionary, neurological and societal factors. This gives the women the natural ability to know when you genuinely have confidence or you’re just putting up a show. Compliance also makes you look inauthentic, uninteresting, boring and weak.
In Conclusion
Breaking out of the “nice guy” zone doesn’t imply you turn to a jerk, kindness is a good omen that should never be abandoned. Life is about finding a balance between the two.
Remember the goal is about presenting the best version of yourself, it’s not to change yourself or your values. For deeper understanding to improve your social skills and improve your dating life to confidently approach any lady, Click HERE.
Thanks for reading…❤️
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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