Imagine if you never changed your shoes. Not the shoes you’re wearing today; I’m talking about the ones you wore as a child. How uncomfortable would your little toes feel as your feet grew and the shoes started rubbing, pinching, and giving you blisters?
That uncomfortable feeling would turn into unbearable pain. You’d start to walk a little funny with a limp or avoid walking at all costs. Eventually, your feet would burst through –- and what would they look like? Pretty gnarly, I reckon!
Do you remember hearing the story about the little girls in China who used to have their feet broken and bound so they could fit into tiny shoes? Their toes were mangled and bent, just to fit into something they were told would make them more desirable and loveable.
We grow out of lots of things in our lifetime.
Like shoes. And when they no longer fit, we get bigger ones to allow our feet to grow, feel comfortable and become the size they are meant to be. There’s something that we don’t change very often — if at all. Our stories. Think of the stories we tell ourselves about our lives and who we are.
Give yourself a minute or two to consider this. Who are you? What have you achieved? And what are the stories you tell people about yourself?
Are you someone’s dad, a husband, a teacher, or a volunteer at a local charity? A photographer just starting out, a part-time blogger, someone who used to play guitar? Let’s go a little deeper than these labels; let’s look at who we believe we are.
Have you always been shy and not very confident? Have you always been broke? Did you have a hard time growing up? Have you always felt like you were different and didn’t fit in?
Maybe you tell yourself something like you’re not organized, lazy, shy, ugly, or not good at x… Where do these stories come from? And when did you decide these things were true? Have you ever checked if these things are even true or whether they’re just faulty opinions?
If you’re anything like me, you probably created stories about your life from the things that have happened to you and the things you have done with your time on the planet. But the thing is, when we create a story, it becomes a belief and defines who we are. We assume that role in our life. And moreover, what we focus on becomes true for us –- whether it is actually still true or not.
There’s a part of our brain called the reticular activating system.
Now don’t worry, I’m not going to get too technical here but basically, it acts as a filter of what you let into your brain. If you sit and look around where you are right now, there are millions of things going on –- objects to see, colors, textures, words, noises, body sensations, and smells.
If we took in each and everything every second of the day, our brains would probably blow up. Well, not really, but we’d burn out and get really exhausted from sensory overload within seconds.
So the reticular activating system (RAS) lets in only what you focus on –- like when you’re thinking of getting a new car and suddenly you see that car everywhere you go. So if you’ve told yourself a story that you’re always late, that your life isn’t fair or you’re not very good at something, guess what, evidence comes through into your brain to support it and you believe it to be true. And it’s who we believe we are that determines the way we act — every single day.
Now, you might not think that this is a biggie but in my work as a personal brand photographer, confidence and happiness expert –- it’s huge. I see it all the time!
It’s not who you are that’s holding you back; it’s who you think you are.
Think about it –- every time you want to speak up about something, share an idea or approach someone new –- do you express yourself with confidence or do you feel like parts of you are still holding back because you’re worried if someone will judge you? Do you second-guess yourself, hold your tongue or overthink yourself into not saying anything at all?
Do you take the steps towards the things you want to do, the things you actively choose, or are you always doing what you feel you have to do or that other people have determined as your options? Do you get angry at yourself for playing small and holding back when part of you inside knows you want to be doing a lot more in your life but the prospect of the unknown really scares you?
Do other people’s opinions have too much power over you? Are you consumed by thoughts of those who might say something bad to you? Do you look for people who try to be ‘realistic’ (ahem negative) instead of listening to those who are there to help you, and who want to see you thrive and grow?
If there’s something you don’t like about your life or your business, maybe it’s time for a plot twist. Change up the story you wrote when you were seven years old and have since outgrown it. Let your RAS start filtering in some new information; turn that bad boy into the Snapchat filter of your life — overlooking all those blemishes from your past and boosting your natural features and expertise.
Yeah, the voice in your head will probably rear up with all the “yeah buts” about having nothing of any value to offer, nobody being interested in what you have to say, or that people are judging you, thinking you’re rude and arrogant or whatever else your voice usually says to you but that’s only because you’ve told it that those opinions are the truth for so long.
A really simple way to start retraining that voice, and your RSA, is by looking at simple ways to filter in new evidence.
So if you’re always telling yourself that you’re broke, start by keeping track of all the money you receive — your income, your mate treating you to you a coffee, that fiver you found in that old jacket, the 50p under the sofa, the voucher you just got towards your next purchase at your favorite store. Life’s always giving us things so look for signs of it –- tell yourself that life is abundant and you are looked after instead of telling yourself that there’s never enough.
And then to take this further, if you’re still being held captive by your past mistakes, then it’s time to look over your whole life with fresh eyes. Look over your whole life from a bird’s eye view, doing this chronologically helps and look at everything. Yes, your mind will naturally go to all your foils and foibles first thanks to a thing called the negative bias, but keep going –- list everything you’ve done, the places you’ve been, the things you’ve achieved. This will help give you a more balanced perspective than always thinking lopsidedly about all the bad stuff.
Then once you’ve done that, start to make a separate list of all the expertise you’ve gained from all your life experiences, look at your approach to things and the positive traits of your personality like your strength, your resilience, and determination –- if you keep this list handy, then you can look at it every time you want to put yourself out there. This will help combat imposter syndrome and will be a tool to ‘prove’ your negative thinking wrong.
And finally, reassess the people you’re spending time with.
If the people you’re with have a habit of bringing you down, dampening your dreams, and filling you with doubt instead of lifting you up and encouraging you, then I’d seriously consider spending less time with them if possible. I know you can’t always get rid of people but you can certainly choose to spend less time with them or at least be mindful of the effect they have on you.
If you feel crappy or deflated after being with them, that’s a sure sign –- make a note of who you feel awesome with or whose presence feels like they’ve charged you up for a few hours after being with them. Spend more time with them.
Finally, do yourself a favor, ditch those old shoes in the bin, they don’t fit you anymore. Create a plot twist instead of being held captive to your past mistakes and imposter syndrome. Reclaim your life, your confidence, and your happiness!
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Photo Credit: @joshuaearle on Unsplash
