How To Surrender Want

The word surrender means “to cease to resist.” That definition holds freedom and defeat in the same breath, and it is at the very core of the complexity of hope. Interestingly, in the tale of “Pandora’s Box,” after a wealth of plagues were unleashed upon the world, hope was the only thing left. It makes me wonder why hope was scattered among the mass of plagues contained in the box in the first place. I think the answer is that hope is a danger in and of itself. If you look up the meaning of “Pandora’s Box” it is “anything that is best left untouched for fear of what might come out of it.” I can’t think of a better definition for hope because the fact is, hope can be dangerous, especially when it is entangled with want and expectation.

I am in the process of surrendering. It is never a light place where the white flag is raised. It is through gritted teeth, dashed expectation, and unbearable loss that we raise it at all. It is ironic to me that surrender has become synonymous with giving up. I think it is more of a demonstration of our will to move forward and find better places outside of what we expected.

But, damn.

Raising the white flag is one thing, but actively stepping out of the trench and moving away from the thing(s) you’ve been holding onto — that’s a different kind of courage all together. Hope is housed within longing, want. Surrendering my resistance to the way things are, my need to steer or control an outcome, feels like self-rejection. It goes against every instinct I have and triggers this insane craving, justification process, and bargaining. Still, I know it is the only way forward — the only way to truly have hope for a future that isn’t tied to my mud-stuck feet, buried in my own expectation and desire. So, how?

1. Think about it.

“I don’t want whatever I want. Nobody does. Not really. ”
― Neil Gaiman, Coraline

Desire isn’t always really connected to what we want or need. There is this great scene in the series “Togetherness” where Melanie Lynskey’s character crosses the line between desire and having an affair. She is unhappy in her marriage and finds attraction with someone she is working with. There is all this build up to the moment, along with internal struggle and we all can feel the pull of the want. We join her in her justifications, though her husband is entirely likable. We even root for the infidelity. And then comes the scene in the hotel with the potential lover outside the door and her inside. There is hesitation, heat you can practically feel, and then she opens it.

Here’s the great part: They are having sex and at first it is all passion. But then, there is a moment where Melanie realizes that she’s just in bed with “another dude” and it isn’t at all what she thought she wanted. It’s a huge “uh-oh” moment that is so relatable because often the things we pursue the hardest, or obsess about the most, are not the things we really want. Not at all.

I experience this when I am single. I become obsessed with finding a relationship. One time, I was convinced I was falling in love with my personal trainer. (This is so embarrassing to me now) I remember being consumed with growing our friendship, with “winning” the relationship. Then one day I had this epiphany. I wasn’t sure I liked him. Like, when I thought about him being a step-dad to my kids, or introducing him to my family, or just living a life with him, it was clear that he wasn’t what I really wanted. But I STILL STRUGGLED to let it go. At that point, I was invested. I wanted to win, to prove something to myself. But at what cost? Another person’s emotions? My own wasted time? In order to surrender that particular desire, I had to really look at what I wanted and ask myself some hard questions.

2. Take it off the table

If you find yourself on and endless wheel of striving for something that just isn’t manifesting, consider taking it off the table for a while. Perhaps, indulge in a little “worst case scenario” thought experiment. What if you stopped pursuing that job? What if you don’t find “the right one?” What if you never got better, or found a cure? Asking these kinds of questions can help us to find contentment outside of what we think we need. All we have is what is here, right now, and the fact is, sometimes we don’t get what we “want”— and that is ok. It can even be the best. I think it is best summed up through this quote:

“Always say “yes” to the present moment. What could be more futile, more insane, than to create inner resistance to what already is? what could be more insane than to oppose life itself, which is now and always now? Surrender to what is. Say “yes” to life — and see how life suddenly starts working for you rather than against you.”
― Eckhart Tolle

3. Embrace uncertainty

I hate being in limbo. It is my least favorite state of being. It feels dangerous, and maybe lazy — like I’m not being proactive enough with my own life. I become obsessed with goal-setting and achievement. I constantly worry. It’s miserable.

It is ok to be a mess. It’s ok to not have things figured out and/or to be living a life you didn’t plan on. The fact is, it is just the way things are right now. You are not going to have all the answers all the time — especially when it comes to defining your own happiness. So, let go.

“Don’t look for peace. Don’t look for any other state than the one you are in now; otherwise, you will set up inner conflict and unconscious resistance. Forgive yourself for not being at peace. The moment you completely accept your non-peace, your non-peace becomes transmuted into peace. Anything you accept fully will get you there, will take you into peace. This is the miracle of surrender”
― Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment

4. Don’t neglect the important stuff

When consumed by want or failed expectations, it is easy to fold into oneself and hide. But in doing so, you can make things so much worse. Do the important stuff:

1. Reach out to friends and nurture those positive relationships
2. Pay your bills — or prioritize the important ones
3. Exercise — even if it’s just a little a day
4. Connect with something that brings you joy — music, nature, a hobby
5. Take time to reflect through journaling, meditation, or gratitude
6. Accomplish small goals — clean out a junk drawer, wash your clothes, organize something
7. Distract yourself when you are feeling the cravings of wants unfulfilled. (by doing any of the above, or watching Netflix, or just indulging in something that makes you feel good)
8. Try on different “self-talk.” If your running narrative is I’m drowning in my life, maybe try I have an opportunity to grow, who are my best supports?
9. Communicate your needs honestly. To others and to yourself.
10. Appreciate what you have and try to keep your focus there. What are the things in your life you are proud of? Or if you can’t think of anything right now (because you are in the trenches,) do you have your health? Do you have people who love you? A talent? Think on these things.

Surrendering want is one of the hardest things to do. It often contains so many layers that it can feel exhausting. But it is the only path to peace — and in that, the truest form of hope can flourish. It’s a hope that is not tied to expectation, but to the unknown. And that is a beautiful thing.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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