How to Text Women So You Don’t Look Like a Complete Noob

Finding love ain’t easy.

Texting makes it twice as complicated. It will make or break your chances with women you’ve just met.

Even the best connections can fizzle out fast if you don’t know how to message women. Because it doesn’t matter how you meet. Whether it’s on a dating app, a cold approach, or a chance meeting, in most ordinary situations you won’t have time to stand around and chat for hours.

And frankly, a “deep dive” with a woman is NOT what you want to do the first time you meet her anyway.

I’ll explain more on this, but people respond a lot better to “small doses” of your personality over time than you shoving it down their throat — unless that’s their thing.

So you’ve got a few minutes to connect and move on.

That computer in your pocket bridges the gap from when you meet her and the date. There’s also nothing wrong with phone calls but in the modern world texting (or virtual communication) is here to stay.

As such, you’ve probably had moments when you’ve stared at your phone and thought, What do I even say?

Still happens to me. But I’ve managed to mitigate this to a degree.

You try to craft the perfect message, but you send it and five minutes later you’re like, Fuck, why did I say that?

Frankly, you’re probably over-complicating it. There’s no need to be smooth 100% of the time. You just have to tweak a few things and be slightly more intentional and genuine.

This is how I’m going to show you how to do that.

When I focused on a few key principles, I saw a shift:

More dates.
More conversations.
More authentic connections.

Be more intentional with your texting

I’ve noticed I used to text without thinking it through. And this is where a lot of guys make the first mistake.

If you are not intentional with how you text, you’ll end up wherever the wind blows.

Your communication needs to reflect what you want. I learned that the hard way. Without a purpose, you tend to get lost in conversation and it’s harder to connect.

Every message should have a purpose. Aimless texting, like searching for people online only confuses people and freaks them out.

A while ago, I was talking with someone who had been messaging a someone on a dating app, or wherever. He mentioned to me, that he looked her up on social media and “friend requested” her.

It might have been a coincidence, but she ghosted him after that. I asked him why he did this, but he never had a good reason.

He “jumped the gun” and made the mistake of not thinking through his decision.

The only two reasons you should be texting:

Setting up a date, a phone call, or some other meetup.
Maintaining the connection or interest with meaningful dialogue.

If you’re lost in endless small talk, ask yourself, What’s the goal here?

Are you dating to waste time or move things forward?

The lesson is simple: be intentional with your communication. If you don’t have a purpose the conversation can easily lose direction. Texting is a tool to connect and set up a date, not a platform for mindless chatter.

Stay focused, flirty, light-hearted, and fun

Safe topics like work, hobbies, or interests will only carry you so far.

These are topics that help break the ice but don’t particularly build a deeper connection which ultimately needs to happen in person.

But you’re trying to date. To build romantic chemistry. Not just friendship. Because I used to think that I was better off sticking to those “safe” topics and hoping that was good enough to create a bond.

You have to show personality — as best as you can through text. And that means texting how you speak. It also means injecting a bit of light-hearted flirting or teasing.

Mix it in with the main conversation. This adds fun to the mix and keeps things moving forward.

You don’t have to reply with flat, boring, or serious replies every time.

You don’t have to be overly sexual or over the top, but subtlety goes a long way.

I know I said not to text like you’re just friends, but pretend you already know her and you’re well acquainted. You don’t have to be so reticent.

I text my friends like this. Not that I’m trying to date them, but a little bit of teasing or inside jokes help.

Hopefully, you’re real with your friends, right? Authenticity is attractive, and even if it doesn’t relate to everyone, you’re better off being genuine than a faker.

You don’t know how critical timing is to dating

If you reply slowly, don’t expect much.

In the modern world of dating, speed is your best friend. Not that you want to rush into anything, but taking days to respond to one text clearly shows a lack of interest or concern in someone else.

Because everyone is glued to their phone, your chances of not seeing a text are slim.

For example, when I met my previous “girlfriend” on a dating app, I took a more “direct” approach. We met late in the evening, and I needed to rest for work.

We only exchanged a few lines of dialogue, but somehow I knew she was going to play some “role” in my life. Instead of risking a lost connection, I sent her a quick message along the lines of, “Hey, I need to rest, let me grab your number, and we’ll text later.”

It was a bold move because you usually need to develop a connection throughout several messages before going “straight for the kill.”

But it worked. I texted her that night and the following morning.

But she didn’t respond for 24 hours after that morning. Sometimes this happens; people neglect to respond but don’t. It’s annoying but you can get caught up obsessing over if you don’t get a text back.

You have to let go of that outcome.

To my surprise, she texted the following day. Seemed like “letting go” helped out. That led to us dating for several weeks before she pulled away, and that situationship taught me a great deal about love and relationships.

Prompt replies show interest. I don’t stay glued to my phone but I’m attentive and aware of who I am texting and what the circumstances of the text are.

And if you obsess over a reply, you’re only creating anxiety in yourself. Which I used to do a lot. I would literally make myself sick over not hearing a reply for a few hours.

A late reply doesn’t mean you’re losing the connection, but if that’s what you’re telling yourself it means, that WILL worry you. If she doesn’t respond within a day, follow up. Just don’t badger her with multiple messages.

It’s creepy and makes you look desperate.

Keep the momentum. If you’re serious about dating, don’t leave them waiting for days between replies.

Give more than you ask for without being a suck up

Early on, I’d try to rush things.

Not as bad as some guys but it probably cost me a few dates.

One time I met this a woman at the vet’s office while waiting. We didn’t have a lot of time to chat, but I went ahead and got her number as I was heading into the examination room.

I didn’t know what I was doing, but when I got home I texted her. A few back-and-forth messages but I asked for a date way too soon. This can work, but not if you haven’t built a connection first.

She never responded.

What I realized was I just asked without offering anything. Nothing. No humor. No connection. None of my personality. Nothing that made her feel like she knew me.

But then some dudes think sending unsolicited dick picks will sway a someone they are attracted to.

That’s not “offering value.”

But “offering value” doesn’t mean being a total pushover or supplicating to a woman. That just comes off as desperate or needy.

Give something of “value” before asking for something in return.

It could be a thoughtful message, a joke, or any indication that you are genuinely interested in her and not just what you’re going to get out of her.

Reveal your authentic personality in small doses

At the start, I mentioned how it’s important to sample your personality.

Because no one likes to get “trauma dumped” and have all your baggage put in their lap the first time you meet them.

Imagine meeting someone whom you don’t even plan to date, and they tell you their entire life story in one sitting.

It’s a bit overwhelming right?

There’s an emotional rhythm you need to establish early in dating. Whether it’s in person or through text, full disclosure just fucks it all up.

You should intend to leave them intrigued and wanting more after you text them, but a long-winded essay is a slog to read through.

This happened one time when I was dating. We were texting on a dating app, and every reply was paragraphs long. I can’t even remember what it was all about because there was so much information (plus it was a while ago).

But every time it was my turn to reply I was left wondering, What the hell do I say to all this?

Not only that, but I felt an obligation to match that so I didn’t seem “disinterested.” You have to be okay with people not knowing everything about you on Day 1.

Dole out your personality in small bites because this builds trust gradually.

You have to have firmer boundaries with yourself. You shouldn’t try to “deep dive” with a potential partner the first time you meet them and over text, because they may extrapolate things about you that aren’t true.

Plus, as you start to share more snippets of your life, even through text messaging, you keep things more organic.

People get a chance to “ease themselves into you” instead of feeling overwhelmed.

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To wrap up,

Next time you’re stuck staring at your phone and trying to deliver the perfect response, remember, that’s not your goal.

It’s impossible and the more you try the more you look un-relatable or a “try-hard.”

And as tough as texting might seem, it’s here to stay. But with all this in mind, you can use it to your advantage to set up more dates and help you build deeper connections.

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