Relationships can be great. They can also be bad. It all depends on the people in the relationship. Your relationship can be especially difficult if your partner is the type of person to constantly dismiss how you feel as being untrue or crazy.
In my life, I have experienced different people who have tried to invalidate my emotions. This has happened to me in romantic relationships, but it was also done to me by my father. This form of abuse where someone is constantly invalidating the truths and emotions of a person is called gaslighting.
It is very easy to fall victim to gaslighting, but it is even more difficult to break free from someone who is gaslighting you. These people are the masters of manipulation. They abuse people around them with their own emotions.
Above all, they place the blame on everyone else and will never admit when they are wrong.
What is Gaslighting?
The term “gaslighting” is actually becoming very popular nowadays. If you don’t already know what it is, here is a definition from dictionary.com:
“Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse or psychological manipulation involving distorting the truth in order to confuse or instill doubt in another person to the point they question their sanity or reality.”
If you still don’t understand, gaslighting is basically when someone emotionally and psychologically manipulates someone else. We most commonly find gaslighting in relationships where one of the participants is either narcissistic or a sociopath. But it can happen with anyone that invalidates or denies someone else’s feelings.
One example of gaslighting that I experienced that wasn’t in a romantic relationship was with my father. I have always tried to talk to him about the trauma he caused me by abandoning me when I was just a child. Every time I bring it up, he refuses to acknowledge my feelings. He also tells me that I am remembering it incorrectly and that it wasn’t his fault that he had to leave. He says he left because my mother’s family was so controlling. He always puts the blame on someone else for his behavior.
In romantic relationships, I have experienced gaslighting when my ex would deny things had ever happened. She would deny my feelings were real and accuse me of blowing things out of proportion. Basically, what I felt and knew wasn’t true because she said it wasn’t. Then, when she was caught in the wrong, it would somehow still be my fault.
Watch Out for These Warning Signs of Gaslighting
It is important to pay attention to the warning signs of gaslighting in relationships. Once you are trapped by a gaslighter, it is very difficult to escape. It is best to avoid being put in that situation at all.
Watch out for these warning signs to protect yourself against gaslighting in relationships.
#1: They refuse to take responsibility for anything.
Like my dad in the example I provided above, gaslighters will never take responsibility of anything, regardless of what you say. You could have all the proof in the world and it won’t matter. Gaslighters literally cannot accept responsibility for their actions. The proof could be a freaking video of them doing what you are saying they did and they will still deny it. They will do whatever it takes to flip the blame around on you or someone else.
#2: They tell blatant lies.
Gaslighters are natural-born liars. They are unable to face the consequences of their own actions. If you confront them with their behavior or lies, they cannot handle to face the truth. They don’t even care if you know they are lying. Gaslighters use these lies to continue to manipulate people. Once they lie, how do you know if they ever tell the truth? The goal of a gaslighter is to keep you unsure of yourself.
#3: Anyone close to you is their ammunition.
It could be your kids because they know how important they are to you. It could come in the form of telling you that you don’t deserve to have kids or you aren’t a good mother/father. They will constantly tell you that you’d be a great person if you didn’t do this or have this. Their plan is to wear you down over time.
Gaslighters gradually wear down their victims. They use lies, manipulation, negative comments, and other things to slowly make their victim unsure of themselves. They will even go as far as aligning your closest family and friends against you. A gaslighter may get other people to believe you are crazy, so that they won’t take you serious if you say you are being abused. They may even find people similar to them that they know will agree with whatever they say and do just to get you to believe there actually is something wrong with you.
#4 They will try to confuse you.
A gaslighter will try to use confusion as a weapon against you. For example, if you confront a gaslighter with a lie, you will end up being the one who is questioned. They will turn any confrontation around on you. By messing with the stability that everyone craves, it will make us question who we are and why we feel the way that we feel. If a gaslighter gets you to question yourself for too long, they will succeed in lowering your self-esteem. They will make you completely unsure of yourself.
#5: They try to control everyone and everything in their life.
Every environment a gaslighter is in becomes a toxic one. Whether we are talking about their relationship with you, their siblings, their friends, their coworkers, or even their parents, gaslighters manipulate and try to control people, places, and things everywhere they go. Their desire for chaos and control of everyone and everything around them is creates these toxic environments. If you notice someone is controlling in every aspect of their life, you may want to avoid getting into a relationship with them. You could very well be the next target.
Gaslighting Can Destroy You
Gaslighters can and will destroy you as a person. Gaslighting can be very damaging. Being a victim of gaslighting can bring PTSD, anxiety, and codependency issues. It can also make you feel very unsure of yourself and suffer from low self-esteem.
After being in a relationship with a gaslighter, you will find it hard to trust anyone. It can also make you feel like you need validation elsewhere, which will put you at risk of repeating the cycle with another gaslighter if you can escape the first one. You will have no self-worth.
Even the smartest and most mentally resilient among us can be sucked in by a gaslighter, but there are ways to spot the patterns. Pay attention to their behavior and look for any undermining behaviors, such as the behaviors that I listed above.
Once you realize they are a gaslighter, you can learn to stop internalizing what they say and do. They depend on you internalizing their behavior to trap you in the relationship. Don’t question what you may have done to cause their behavior, but instead recognize that they are probably insecure in themselves.
Remember to create a support system around yourself. That is your best defense against a gaslighter. If you have a support system, it will be much harder for you to be a victim of gaslighting in relationships. Abusers always try to make it hard for their victim to have a support system, so this is critical. We can’t always see things clearly in relationships because we are living them. That is why you need a support system to provide a different perspective.
If your partner or someone in your life is invalidating or denying your experiences and/or feelings, it may be time to take a second look at your relationship.
You can either talk to them, tell them you aren’t okay with what they are doing, and request for them to get help to change their behavior.
Or you can leave.
A person who truly loves you won’t invalidate your experiences or feelings. They also won’t lie to you or manipulate you. Someone who loves you will support you. They will listen to you. They will tell you the truth.
Someone who loves you won’t gaslight you. I know that to be true.
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This post was previously published on Medium.com.
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Photo credit: JD Mason on Unsplash