How to Write Comments That Make You Look Stupid

 

Believe it or not, I’ve written over 500 articles since joining Medium — most of them about religion.

Now, you can imagine, being someone who writes about religion, I get quite a few interesting, unusual, and, well… sometimes angry comments. In fact, the 500 articles I’ve written have garnered thousands of responses. I’ve seen the best of humanity coming together in thoughtful dialogue about complex issues. But I’ve also seen breathtaking stupidity, dismissiveness, and vitriol.

I’ve pretty much seen it all.

So, from my vast experience of being on the receiving end of many a stupid comment, I’ve decided to create this useful guide on how to produce stupid comments of your own that make you, too, look equally stupid. Sit back, relax and enjoy my guide on how to write comments that make you look stupid:

Step 1

Get your comment off to the stupid start it deserves by saying how much you hate the headline of my article. Complain that the headline is “clickbaity,” and as a result, you were tricked into clicking the article. Get angry because I made you click.

Step 2

Next, in protest against the clickbaity headline, state that you didn’t even read the whole article, but you have a few opinions on what you believe the contents of the article to be, based on the headline you read that you already complained about.

Step 3

Make sure your comment is longer than the article itself.

Step 4

Avoid the use of punctuation throughout your epic, feature-length comment. Try to keep the reader guessing about what the hell you’re trying to say by completely ignoring all basic time-honored language conventions that are typically used for written text.

After all when youre vomiting words onto a screen in an impassioned rant who has time to check their work I certainly dont

Full stops? Commas?

Question marks

Who needs ’em?

Step 5

TYPE IN CAPS. THIS WILL MAKE PEOPLE LISTEN… AND BY LISTEN, I MEAN READ.

Step 6

Make your comment suitably vague and obtuse so that no one really understands exactly what you’re saying. Add interest by including phrases that make absolutely no chicken mountain lollipop sense zchlarf.

Step 7

Be sure to include false appeals to authority. For example, say, “I have no knowledge or expertise of my own, but I once knew a guy whose friend had a brother, so I know for a fact… blah, blah, blah.”

This will undoubtedly make you sound like the expert that you are.

Step 8

Take it a step further by evoking the name of Almighty God in your comment. Say, “God once told me…”

This always settles any argument. It’s your trump card.

Speaking of Trump…

Step 9

Mention at least one conspiracy theory that you believe to be true because this is bound to add credibility to your argument and make you look super-intelligent and educated.

Be sure to mention what a great guy Trump is, how the election was stolen, and the moon landing was fake.

Step 10

Post a link to a random 45-minute-long YouTube that you believe refutes whatever I said in my article… you know, the one that you didn’t read because you didn’t like my headline.

Heck, post a link to a 90-minute-long YouTube video. I have nothing better to do with my life that to watch a video that perpetuates your personal biases but tries to masquerade as reasonableness.

Step 11

Say my article is great, then try to sell me your random cryptocurrency.

Step 12

When I pose an existential question about the nature of God — let’s say: “Why doesn’t God answer all of our prayers,” for example — say something like: “Because God doesn’t exist.”

Then sit back and congratulate yourself on being so witty and clever. You’re the first person to come up with that response… you smart cookie! Look at you go!

Step 13

Tell me that I’m wrong, you are right, and that I am going to Hell because I don’t believe what you believe. We can’t all be as enlightened as you are!

Step 14

Write your own article about how wrong you think I am, and then tag me in it (because I probably won’t notice it otherwise since you’re so opposed to clickbaity headlines).

. . .

There you have it!

Thanks to all the real-life people who inspired this article with their comments. Now, go forth and write your own stupid comments! Heck, I expect a few in this article.

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This post was previously published on The Haven.

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