When I was five years old, my parents put me in a soccer league. However, my time there didn’t last: I thought others taking the ball from me was mean, and I likely cried after.
In other words, I have a deep-rooted need to be nice and for others to see me as a good person. I want others to admire me and see me as kind. I’m terrified of appearing selfish or uncaring. And I want others to treat me in the same ways.
I also struggle with my insecure attachment style, which can cause me to put others first to a fault, in hopes they’ll want to stay with me.
So, naturally, I’ve betrayed myself in relationships without even realizing. I thought I was just being a “good partner.”
But after sharing my feelings of emotional exhaustion, a friend shared a post with me that changed everything.
“2020 Vibes: I no longer need to betray myself to receive love.”
This was posted by psychologist Dr. Nicole LePera, @the.holistic.psychologist, on Instagram. In her caption, she explained how most of us believe we have to abandon ourselves to receive love, and we feel unworthy of wonderful love. However, in our acts of self-betrayal, we lose our chances at having authentic love.
In my relationships, I experienced this exact phenomenon she described. I believed I had to put myself and my needs to the side to be a good girlfriend. I believed I had to act like I was fine or make myself be fine when I wasn’t.
But that’s not fair to me or my partner.
Reading that giving myself more self-love wasn’t selfish and that I would hurt myself otherwise embodied one of the most relieving experiences and realizations I’ve ever experienced. I read more posts my friend sent me, like this one, and posts I found on my own. I identified with several of the behaviors described.
“Saying it’s okay when it’s not.”
Check. I don’t want others to feel as bad as I do when I hurt someone, and I’m deeply afraid of conflict, so I try to dissolve the situation quickly by saying it’s okay when I’m still feeling hurt and aching for a better apology.
“Overextending ourselves as a way to show love.”
Check. I believe if I show someone how much I’m trying to help them, and how often I put them first, they’ll realize how deeply I love them. However, overextending myself makes me feel stressed and unhappy. It isn’t a genuine way of showing love either because I’m not being honest about my needs and wants, which are also equally important.
“Being a caretaker to [our] partner but not ourselves.”
Check. I always try to take care of others emotionally and physically, even when I’m feeling triggered. I don’t allow myself some space from the situation so I can take care of myself too. I’m not honest about my feelings and I’m draining myself, which hurts both me and the relationship my partner and I share.
“Expecting people to do something other than what they’ve demonstrated themselves capable of.”
Check. I’ve dated several people who truly weren’t ready to date in the same capacity I was, but I held onto hope for too long that they would become a better partner. I wished and assumed they would treat me better because I wanted that level of love from them, but deep down I knew I couldn’t trust them to do that.
“Going back to relationships that haven’t worked in the past.”
Check. I feel bad about ghosting people, yet I’m nervous about conflict; I want relationships to work out so I’m not lonely and I want to have faith in people. Because of this, I go back to relationships with the hope they’ll work out even when experience shows they won’t.
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While I can have compassion for myself and the reasons behind my self-betrayal, I’m working every day to stop myself from doing it so I can receive love in authentic ways. I’m realizing I don’t need to push my needs to the side or allow negative behavior to receive love, and I’m realizing the kind of love in which I would need to isn’t what I want and deserve anyway.
I can say no and still receive love. I can take care of myself first and still receive love. These acts make me a better partner, not a worse one. If I want to take care of my partner and show them love, I have to give it to myself first. I’ve always loved the saying, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.”
Further, by being honest with my partner in these ways, I allow them to love me more fully. I show them it’s okay to take care of yourself, and I show them when I need a little extra support myself.
I encourage you to push past your fears about receiving love. Think about times in which you took care of yourself or loved ones took care of themselves, and people still showed love and support. Think about what a good partner really wants from you: honesty, vulnerability and happiness. Think about how much happier you’ll both be when you’re treating yourself well and living into a healthier relationship. And realize that if they do leave you, they didn’t love you as well as you deserve, and you’ll find better love with someone else.
So instead of betraying yourself in relationships, take care of yourself and your relationship in these ways:
Be honest about what you need your partner to say or how you need them to apologize. Be honest about your feelings and what you can handle. Be honest about times in which you feel triggered and can’t help in a certain way or a certain moment. Be honest about when you need to engage in self-care and do it. Be honest with yourself about relationships that aren’t working out, in which your time is better spent elsewhere.
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You deserve authentic and fulfilling love, and you’ll only receive it once you give it to yourself first. Be patient with yourself, knowing that giving up self-betrayal is scary and emotional — especially if it’s an effect of trauma — but get back up after falling down, too. You will find the love I know you deserve — just love yourself.
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Previously published on Medium.com.
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Photo credit: By Clem Onojeghuo on Unsplash